When I don’t answer, Silas hesitantly cracks open the door.
His eyes flick from my empty bed to where I’m lying on my futon and back.
He steps inside, leaning against my dresser with one hand tucked into the pocket of his sweatpants, the other holding his coffee. Everyone knows Silas is quiet, but only a few know how observant he is.
I haven’t slept in my bed the last three nights. It still smells like her. The smart thing to do would be to wash thesheets and rid her existence from this room and hope that the place she’s carved out in my chest follows suit.
But I can’t. Maybe I’m a masochist. Maybe I deserve it. But her lingering scent of lavender will stay here, consuming my every waking and unconscious thought.
I can’t walk past the mirror in my bathroom without seeing the reflection of her face grinning down at me as she shaved my head. I can’t keep my curtains open past five p.m. without every single star in the sky reminding me of her light. Fuck, I couldn’t even look at my best friend when he came home last night, because I don’t know if he’s been around her or heard anything.
“I told Coach you were sick.”
I blink up at the ceiling, clutching the pillow tighter to my chest while taking measured breaths.
“So, do me a favor when you get back to practice, make sure you tell him you were on your deathbed so you don’t make a liar out of me.”
It takes me a beat longer than I’d like to admit to realize that I’ve been so wrapped up in this new feeling of Chloe’s love, and how she’s always seen the real me, that for a minute there, I forgot that I have two friends who also know me.
“Look, you know I’m not going to make you talk about it, but I just wanted to be here in case you wanted to.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.” I surprise myself by how nonchalant I was able to make that sound.
“You know, last semester when Noah was going through it with Sav, we were on his balcony one morning, and he said he just wanted to flip shit and yell. I told him he should try it, because I’ve seen you do it a time or two, and maybe it would help.”
I sit up, propping my elbows on my knees, but keep my eyes trained on the floor.
“I say that because this hiding out in your room, sleeping for three days straight, and skipping practice shit isn’t you.”
“I’ve not been sleeping,” I say like it justifies anything.
I hear him take a sip of his coffee, and any other time, I would put on my mask of indifference, smile, and reassure him that all is well, but even pretending feels too hard right now.
“It’s Bingo night, right?”
I flinch, almost looking up at him because, of course, Silas would be the one to notice that not only, yes, it’s Bingo night, but that I would want to be there.
“Maybe we should go,” he continues. “I’ve been wanting to meet your new best friend. Scope out what my competition looks like.”
I huff something of a laugh but still can’t bring myself to smile.
“I can’t go,” I finally say. The thought of seeing Chloe there kills me, and even if she wasn’t there, that would hurt just as bad, and I’ll just bring everyone else down. “I’ll be good, buddy,” I say partly to reassure him, and partly because if he keeps going, I can’t guarantee I won’t lose it on him. “I promise. Tell Coach I’ll be back next week.”
I feel his eyes on me rather than see them, and after a moment, he leaves with a quiet click of the door.
I blow out a breath, push myself to stand, and everything aches as I move to the side of my bed. Of all the things I’ve been avoiding the last few days, practice, responsibilities, friends…the one thing I haven’t even looked at was my phone. I open the nightstand, pull out the device, and turn it on. When I first turned it off, it was rooted in the fact that I didn’t want to be bothered by anyone. By the end of that first night, it became clear that the reason I kept it off was because I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold out if she called. I’ve been locked in my room for days for fear of getting on my hands and knees and crawling back to her, begging for her forgiveness. But I know that’s not what she needs.
When the screen finally turns on, I swipe past the calendarreminder for Bingo tonight and fall onto my bed. Instantly, the barley there traces of lavender finds me, and it’s a struggle to not let it consume me.
Sitting up, I swallow back the mixed emotions I feel when there are about twenty unanswered messages and not one of them from her. I’m about to turn it off again when I stop and catch the subscription number, and the three missed messages telling me her horoscope of the day.
Today is about attending to small things, Cancer. Clutter, noise, or other people's emotions might feel extra loud right now. Give yourself permission to rest. It’s not giving up. It’s called recharging.
Little crab, your heart knows the truth even if your head hasn’t caught up yet. Let the stars remind you that your light doesn’t disappear just because it’s cloudy. With a nap, some snacks, and a look deeper inside, you will feel the light again.
Cancer, don’t let the anxiety win today. If all is not well, then all is not over.
My knuckles turn white around the phone.“God damn it!”I scream, launching it across the room and watch the glass shatter against the wall.
