“I’m going to the condo because we need to discuss our home situation.”
“Adore, we will discuss that shit when I get time. I need you to get the other store up and runnin’ while I’m doin’ this. That should keep you occupied.”
I didn’t press the issue. We had just gotten back in each other’s good graces. He was going through a lot, and our living situation should’ve been the last thing on my mind. He was right, I needed to focus on something else. When he dropped me off, I got back on my grind.
CHAPTER 13: WHODIE
I found myself sitting in front of Tone mama’s house, trying to gather my thoughts. I expected to see family here supporting her, but it was only her. When I got out and walked up on the porch, my heart started to beat out of my chest just thinking that a few hours ago, I was carrying her only child to her dead.
“It’s open, Whodie,” she said before I could knock.
The front door was open, so I opened the glass door and walked in. I could smell the food, and my stomach started grumbling. When she turned around, the sadness was all in her eyes. Instead of me being there for her, she walked up to me and wrapped me in her arms.
“I’m so sorry,” I told her. “I wish it was me instead of him.”
“No…don’t say that. I know what you boys do. Been praying and fussing at y’all since you were little boys. Sometimes it’s just your time. Now, sit down and put something on your stomach.”
“Do you know what you want him to wear?”
“Whodie, you need to eat, and then we can talk about that after. Your spirit is so heavy. You know you can’t carry everything. We’re going to keep my son’s burial simple. I don’t want a lot of people around. Nobody helped me with that boy. That’s why you don’t see family around. Who got time for fakesympathy? If you only knew how many people told me Tone wasn’t going to be shit. I did the best I could do.”
“I know. As far as bills and stuff, you know me and the boys got you.”
“Tone wasn’t a fool. He left me plenty of money. I never spent it because I knew one day this day would come. Now that he is gone, I’m going to take the money and start over somewhere else. The only reason I was still here was because of him. This house reminds me too much of him.”
“Whatever you need, I got you.”
After she filled my belly, she fixed a plate for Adore and called some of the other boys over to eat. That’s where a lot of my hot meals came from when I walked out of the house that raised me all those years ago. She would even let me stay a couple of days as long as I cut her grass or did something around the house. I had so much respect for her. She never agreed with what we did, but there was only so much she could do as a single black woman.
The words Adore asked me this morning were hitting me hard now that I was sitting amongst the boys I grew up with as we surrounded Tone’s mama with love and memories. The sad thing is, I would never know that look in my mama’s eyes. If I was to die today, there would be nobody crying over me like that. No mama or daddy would be there. All I had was Adore, Hollow, and my boys. That shit made me want to live longer. The only thing is, I didn’t know how to live any different.
I ended up leaving without telling anyone. Sitting there was suffocating me. I took the drive to my old house. Nothing had changed. A few windows were boarded up, but the trash all over the porch and yard let me know that the crackheads were still in and out. I hate that I had to turn into the person I had become. There was once a little boy in me that just wanted to be normal. For years, I blamed my parents for turning me into a monsterwith a cold heart. My youth was stolen from me and sometimes he wanted to peek out to see how well we were doing. I had nothing good to show him, so I kept him hidden.
Finally, I got out of the car and pushed the door open. The inside of the house was nothing like I left it years ago. It was shit everywhere. Crackpipes laid all over the living room floor. The stench of shit and piss made me cover my nose with my shirt. I walked through slowly until I got to my old room. The door was barely hanging on the hinges. The dirty mattress on the floor let me know that there was someone still sleeping here.
“I did what the fuck I had to do,” I muttered. “I survived.”
I was starting to tell myself this shit every day. Like I owed the little boy in me that explanation. Any other business I had for the day needed to wait. I needed to go home and clear my head. Shit, get some more sleep. When I walked in the door, Adore was putting groceries away.
“Where you been?” She asked, frowning up her nose. “You stink.”
“Stopped by that shithole of a place I grew up in,” I told her.
Adore only knew what I told her. I didn’t like to look weak, and after she let me cry last night, I’ll be damned if I sat here and cried again today.
“I’mma ‘bouta shower and get some sleep.”
“Anything you want me to cook?”
“Whatever you cook is fine with me,” I told her.
I showered and got in bed with my phone off. All I wanted was a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. Once I got that, I was sure I would be back to myself. The death of Tone had triggered me.
Hours later, Adore had the condo smelling good. I stretched and reached for my phone to turn it on and check the time. The sun was gone, so I knew I had been asleep for a while. Adore had the music playing softly as she rolled a blunt. I walked in andlifted the tops to the pots. She had cooked some curry chicken, cabbage, and rice.
“I would’ve been finished, but I forgot to buy the stuff for the mac and cheese, so I had to run to the store and get it. That and the cornbread should be done in a minute.”
“Shit looks good as fuck,” I told her, smacking her on the ass.
