He stared at her, contemplating.
“Be honest with me. It’s ok.”
His tongue came out to wet his lips. His eyes went far away.
“I was…” he stopped, blinking at the distant lights in the dark sky. “I was never the popular boy. Not even interested like that. My focus was on getting my medical degree and posting. On off days, holidays, others went out to mess around with girls… I just stayed and did my reading. Then in SFF, for the first time, I was in a peer group where I mattered and they mattered to me. A whole new world opened to me. I was happier, more confident, ready to throw myself into life and all its possibilities. I discovered how good sex could be with a woman even if for one night. They were all willing ladies, just to clarify,” his eyes came to her. Then stilled. “Should I stop talking about this part?”
She shook her head.
“This might sound hypocritical,” Samar stated. “But I do not ever want you to talk about your prior sexual experiences with me unless they were traumatic.”
Amaal smirked. And he chuckled. “I got my answer.”
“You were saying?” She poked.
“Hmm… Life was surprisingly good. Running a dispensary inside our camp, training drills with Atharva to add survival and fighting to my skills, going on missions as the platoon surgeon, returning, going out to celebrate and… you know.” He reddened slightly, even when he had commanded her only a minute ago and just given her a rundown about ‘willing ladies.’ Amaal smiled, planting her lips into his neck. He relaxed.
“Then, we were captured. They stripped me naked, laid me on a slab of ice and whipped me every way possible. The whip had needles, and they went everywhere.”
Her skin cooled.
“Everywhere.” He repeated.
“No…” she whispered, holding his neck. Scars was a broad term… the thought of this, it made her bones feel cold.
“For the first few months after I regained my senses and health, I couldn’t…” he swallowed. “You know.”
She nodded.
“I looked at myself and couldn’t even…” his eyes fell shut. “That’s the first time I did it. Went to… Adil suggested it for fun in Delhi. The red light areas. And I just hooked onto it. I am ashamed of how needy I became. And once things returned to normal functioning, I couldn’t stop. Because they wouldn’t judge me, or pity me, or my appearance, or ask questions, or look at me any different… it was barter.”
Samar’s eyes met hers — “I am ashamed.”
“You don’t have to be.”
His expressions changed, the entirety of his face affected, shocked.
“With me, you don’t have to be ashamed of anything,” Amaal said.
He stilled, wetting his lips. Then he looked away again, his throat working a long swallow. Amaal leaned up and pressed her mouth to that place. And a heavy breath fell over her head.
“Thank you.” His low voice vibrated into her.
“I don’t know what my expression will be when I see you,” Amaal pulled back. “But know that it won’t mean anything close to pity. If anything, it would mean… skepticism.” She hesitated, moving over what she could feel was something too big to go anywhere near her.
A small, amused sound left his mouth. “Stroking my ego now?”
“I can stroke other things too. I have learnt it well.”
He fisted her hair — “I don’t want to know how you learnt it because when you stroke mine, you will unlearn everything and learn to only stroke mine.”
She tried to move her eyes from his, unable to bear that intensity. But her face was lifted and his lips were on hers. That kiss was so soft, so delicate, so unlike the man who had his fingers bunched in her hair.
“I love this.” Amaal smiled with eyes closed.
“What?”
“This intimacy with you,” she opened her eyes. “Knowing you, experiencing you, being the only woman who gets to…”
