“Honestly?” He runs a hand through his hair, then rests his elbows on the tabletop. “I don’t fucking know. You’re a dick, Keller. A real goddamn prick, if you ask me.”
“I didn’t.”
“But,” he continues, “for some reason, I care about you. So, I followed you here. I was hoping you might walk inside, realize what a bad idea this is, and come right back out. When you didn’t, I figured it was best I come check on you.” He nods toward the empty shot glasses. “Clearly, I should have come in earlier.”
I grab another shot, but I don’t take it. Not yet. My stomach is feeling a bit off, and I’m not sure what it means just yet, so I’m not testing my luck.
“So,” he says, settling back against the booth, “what crawled up your ass today?”
For a split second, I think about not telling him. Or better yet, I think about telling him to fuck off. But that’s not what I actually say. Instead, I tell him about the job offer, the fight, then waking up to a note and an empty bed.
“Shit,” he says, exhaling heavily. “Fuck, I didn’t know her leaving again was even a possibility. I thought you two were working things out.”
“I thought so too, but I guess not.”
He nods as if he understands, but he doesn’t. How can he when even I don’t get it? I thought when we went to bed that night, we might be okay. We’d talked a little more after our big heart-to-heart, and I even held her as we fell asleep like I always do.
Then she was just…gone.
“Can I ask you something without you trying to punch me?”
“Sorry,” I say, pushing the shot glass back and forth between my hands, not caring when a bit of alcohol spills out. “I can’t make any promises.”
He laughs lightly. “Fair enough.” Bravely, he leans across the table again. “Why’d you let her walk away if you love her so much?”
“Which time?” I hate that I even have to ask it, but it’s true.
“Both. I mean, it’s clear you’ve never stopped loving her. Does she know that?”
I shrug. “Yes. No. I don’t know. I told her before she left the second time, and every day before the first. I thought it was enough, but maybe it wasn’t. Maybe she needed something else. Or maybe she just didn’t need me.”
Lawson shakes his head. “Nah, that’s not it. It’s clear Chloe loves you, too.”
I laugh, and it sounds bitter to even me. “She walked away.Twicenow, mind you. I’m not so sure that’s true.”
She hasn’t said it, that’s for certain. There have been so many times in the last two months that I thought she might, but she never uttered the words I so badly wanted to hear.
Lawson responds with a simple eyebrow raise, seeing right through all my bullshit, and it pisses me off just as much as it defeats me. I sink lower in the booth, then toss back another shot before slamming the glass to the table. I drag the back of my hand over my mouth and sigh.
“Because it was what she wanted.”
“Huh?”
“You asked why I let her walk away, right?” Lawson nods. “I let her walk away because it was what she wanted.”
He tips his head to the side. “I’m not sure I’m following.”
Honestly, I’m not either, but that could be the four shots I’ve slammed in the last fifteen minutes.
“She came to me with stars in her eyes about an internship in London. She said she felt like sheneededto do it, and I was happy for her. Over the fucking moon, actually. But I was also confused because I had no idea she had even applied for it. I had no idea she was looking. How messed up is that? She’s my wife, and I had no idea what was happening in her life. I was so damn focused on me and my own shit that I didn’t think about it.”
A look of pity crosses Lawson’s face, and it takes everything I have not to reach over the booth and smack it away. “Come on, Kells. That’s not your fault. We’re busy guys. Yeah, we’re playing a game, but it’s still a lot to keep up with. It could have happened to anyone.”
I shake my head. “No, you don’t get it, Lawsy. We’ve been together since I wasnineteen. That’s almost thirteen years ago. Do you have any idea how long that is to know someone? To be someone’s partner? A long fucking time.”
But he doesn’t get it. How could he? Before Rory, he wasn’t exactly celibate. He has no idea what it’s like to love someone like I love Chloe. He really doesn’t know what it’s like to build a life with someone and have it ripped away from youtwice. He doesn’t know anything at all.
“I should have known,” I say, reaching for yet another shot and tossing it back. I cringe as the alcohol burns on the way down. “I should have fucking known.”
