“But I wasn’t amazing. I should have?—”
“No.” I shake my head. “Please, don’t. Don’t try to make it so you’re at fault. You’re not. I’m the villain in this scenario.”
“You’re not,” he says, pushing my hair out of my face as I wipe my nose with my shirtsleeve. “You’re just…shit, I don’t know, Clover. I just wish you had said something to me. I wishyou had told me how you were feeling. Because I would have given it all up in a fucking heartbeat—hockey, the chase of lifting the Cup, the long weeks away—all of it. I would have walked away if it meant keeping you.”
I scoff. “And that’s the problem. You would have, and I would have let you. I’d let you make sacrifices for me because I’m selfish. Because I’m insecure. Because I need reassurance. I would have let you. But in the end, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself, and eventually I’d resent you. I don’t want that. I never want that. I can’t ask you to give anything up for me. I never could. So, I left. I needed space. I had to figure out who I was beyond being a hockey wife, beyond what my parents expected of me, and beyond you. I needed to learn to love myself without your love attached to it. I needed to knowmyself.”
“And do you? Do you know who you are now? Do you love yourself now?”
I exhale heavily because that’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it?DoI love who I am now? I got everything I wanted. I was just offered an incredible position as editor-in-chief. I have a husband with a successful career who could easily take care of me so that I’d never need to work a day in my life. And I have friends who love me and cherish me. Sure, some of them are new ones, but I know they’re there for me.
I have it all, yet if I walked in the bathroom and looked in the mirror this instant, I still would feel like I wasn’t enough. I thought running away and becoming a new, better me would change that. I was wrong. So fucking wrong.
“No,” I tell him honestly. “But I’ve made peace with that. I’ve accepted that I’m still learning every day, that it’s not a destination, but a journey.”
He blinks, and I realize how red the whites of his eyes are and how so damn close he is to crying. I hate seeing him like this, andI hate being the cause of it even more. He doesn’t deserve it, and I don’t deserve him.
He drops his forehead to mine, exhaling heavily as he whispers, “Fuck, Clover.”
And yes, fuck indeed. We sit like that for a long time, Callum holding on to me, breathing me in, and me trying to wrap my head around what’s happening.
“So what about us?” He pulls away, moving back to the table, and I tuck my hands beneath my legs to stop myself from reaching for him. “Where does that leave us now?”
I rack my brain, trying to find the perfect answer, but nothing comes.
I lift a shoulder. “I…I don’t know.”
He sighs, dragging a hand over his face, then through his hair, leaving it messy. I so badly want to reach over and fix it, but I’m not sure I have the privilege to do so right now.
When he looks at me, my heart beats overtime.
Thu-thump. Thu-thump. Thu-thump.
“I love you, Clover. I always have. That’s never changed, no matter what.”
I smile softly. “I know.”
“I’ll wait. If that’s what you want from me, I’ll do it.” He rolls his tongue over his lips. “I’m…I’m not going to stop loving you, okay? No matter how long it takes, I’ll be here.”
I choke back a sob. Asking him to wait is wrong. I shouldn’t do it. He deserves someone who knows who they are. Someone who doesn’t let so many other people have a say in their life. Someone who is…well, enough.
And I really want to be that person.
“You don’t have to say anything now. Just…think about it, okay? Think about what you really want, and don’t make the decision for anyone other than you. Not your friends, not your family, and especially not me. Just you, Clover, okay?”
But doesn’t he know he is my friend and my family and the one person I want more than anything in this world? I can’t say that, though, not until I figure outme. So I don’t.
“Okay,” I say.
Callum gathers me into his arms, holding me tighter than he ever has before, like he’s afraid he’s about to lose me, and I’m gripping him just as hard for the very same reason.
We stay like that a long time, and I never do decide who is holding up who.
CHAPTER 21
KELLER
Three years ago
