“Only if you promise not to lecture me.”
“You know I can’t promise you something like that. Come on. We’ll get some milkshakes and piss Rusty off, too.”
I laughed out loud and turned, pushing my arm through the offered loop of hers as she guided me toward the back office where we talked about everything. The first thing I did when I got inside was sit on the edge of the desk and pick up the letter opener that was shaped like a broadsword. I ran the metal between my fingers until the top of the blade was balanced on my fingertip. It had become a force of habit to scope out things to use as weapons when I was confined in a small space.
Janette left me to my own devices as she put Rusty in his place and fixed us both chocolate milkshakes, which gave me too much time to think and second guess my decision to stay there instead of going after Drew. Considering how well we’d started out the day, I hated that the afternoon had taken such a drastic turn. I hated even more that Drew had refused to confront me about my lies. Maybe that was my own guilt talking. Him outwardly showing his displeasure and vocalizing his anger would make me feel less guilty, and would only make him feel worse. I hadn’t figured out themystery of what made Drew Tucker work by any stretch of the imagination, but I’d figured some things out, and him going to bleed his anger out before talking to me was a good thing. He needed to get his thoughts out of the chaos department and into some semblance of order before he told me what an idiot I was without hurting my feelings.
“Okay, so what have you done?” Janette asked, pushing into the office and kicking the door closed behind her. She held out a glass filled to the brim and beading with the sweat of condensation. “I don’t think I’ve seen him that pissed off in a while.”
“No. Neither have I.” I dropped the letter opener, took the glass and sucked in a long mouthful of chocolate goodness. “But he’s going to have to get over it.”
Janette raised her brows at me but stayed silent, waiting for me to continue.
“Chief Sutton is giving me shooting lessons. I went to him for a concealed license application, and he started lecturing me on gun safety. You know what he’s like when he goes off on one of his lectures. So I shut him up by asking for shooting lessons so I would be aware of all of those laws.”
“Do you have your license?”
“I do.”
“Are you still taking the lessons?”
“I am because, surprisingly, I’m learning a lot. I thought just owning one would make me feel safer after… you know…” I trailed off as the scars on my back itched as a reminder. They were well hidden under my uniform, but when I thought about them too much, they felt exposed, like I was a hunchback. I wasn’t vain. I didn’t care about how the scars looked. I just hated the story that went with them. I hated that theywere a constant reminder of that one night when I’d felt weak and helpless. The moment I picked up that gun, I’d felt some of my strength return, and when I hit that target right where I wanted to the first time, I felt some semblance of control return to my life.
“Drew doesn’t like it?”
“He didn’t know until today,” I admitted, suddenly finding the surface of my milkshake very interesting. “He’s pissed because I lied and never told him where I was, what I was doing or why. I understand that part, but I’m not going to apologize for being prepared or having the choice to defend myself or the people I love.”
“If you feel that strongly about having the damn thing, why lie in the first place? Surely he’d have understood if you wanted it that badly.”
I laughed once without humor and slid the glass on the desk with the letter opener. “Jan, that’s like flashing a red cape in front of a bull and asking it to understand that the red is just a color. I can understand why he feels that way. He’s explained it to me, but I’m done being the damsel hiding behind her man. I want to be the one who has his back, not hiding there.”
Janette shook her head and set her glass beside mine. Cradling my cheeks in her cool hands, she bent at her knees and held my eyes. It was a very maternal motion, something I’d come to expect from her. She always had been a good role model for me.
“Honey, men like Drew are brought up to protect what’s theirs. Whether that’s their club, their brothers or the woman they love. It’s all he knows. It’s not that he thinks you can’t look after yourself. It’s just that it’shisjob.”
“But shouldn’t that make itmyjob to protect him? Orat the very least to defend myself so that he doesn’t get distracted? That night, outside the warehouse, if I’d fought them off, they wouldn’t have had me as leverage.”
“You can’t change the past.”
“No, but I can damn well make sure it never happens again.”
Janette released my cheeks and dropped her hands to her sides with a sigh. She rocked back on her heels before finding the next avenue to take. I could tell I wasn’t winning any wars today, and my opinion wasn’t going to be the popular one. I’d known that all along. I’d accepted it with the looks I’d received at the shooting range.
“Could you use it if you had to?” Janette asked softly. She didn’t know all the details of that night in the warehouse. She didn’t know I’d taken a life, so I had to force myself not to stiffen in response and keep my head down so she couldn’t see the truth in my eyes.
“If it meant my life or theirs, yes. It’s not a decision I would make lightly, but if it was between them and me or someone I loved, I’d do it. I knew the life Drew and the boys led, and I know how far I am willing to go to keep them safe.”
The silence was almost deafening as the last of my words hung between us. I suddenly felt tired. So tired that my arms and legs ached with the effort of leaning against the desk. My decision was always going to be a battle, but this was the first step, and I’d taken it. I didn’t have to convince anyone but myself, and I’d already done that. Everyone else would have to come around. Making them understand would take time and a lot of talking, but I wasn’t backing down. I wasn’t compromising and I wasn’t going to be forced into changing my mind.
“I should get to work,” I said, leaning forward and kissing her cheek. “Thank you for listening.”
Janette nodded and let me leave the room, choosing to stay there herself. I gave Rusty a weak smile as I passed the kitchen and headed into the dining area to help Sam with the condiments, another sad reminder of how quickly a great day had turned to shit.
As I was working side by side with Sam, I could have sworn I felt Drew’s eyes on me, but when I looked up no one was there. The empty corner was darker than it had ever been and devoid of any life at all. It was then that I realized the gaze hadn’t felt like Drew’s at all. He always made me feel beautiful and warm, like I was the only other person in the room. This felt insidious. This made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and a shiver of ice run down my spine, and not in a good way.
Chapter Five
DREW
