The silence lingered between us, the only thingsinterrupting it being my breathing and the sound of my heartbeat pounding in my chest.
“Answer me something,” I eventually wheezed out.
I heard a shuffling and the soft tread of her boots as she approached cautiously, finally stepping to the other side of the bag. Her hands reached out, palms pressed against it with the same amount of caution she’d executed in her approach. I twisted my head on the bag and glanced her way. Her face was pale, but she didn’t hesitate in raising her head and peeking up at me behind her lashes.
“Anything.”
“Have I ever lied to you?”
She sucked in a breath, her full face now in my view. Her eyes flickered to mine, resignation shining through. “Only to protect me.”
“Have I ever given you a reason to trust Sutton over me?” I asked, the hurt making my voice sound angry instead of pained.
Recognition flashed in her eyes, and her forehead landed against the bag. I could still see her eyes because they were still holding mine. “Never, Drew. That’s not why he knew.”
Releasing the bag, I straightened my body, raising my chin and setting my jaw tight as I glared at her and took two steps back, my arms hanging limply by my side. I needed more distance.
“Have I ever made you feel like you can’t talk to me? Like you can’t tell me anything you want, no matter how much I might fucking hate it?”
“Never,” she said, closing her eyes.
“Haven’t I done everything in my power since the day we got together to make sure you can be open with me? Haven’tI broken myself, split my heart wide fucking open, become someone… something… that isn’t easy for me to be to keep you happy? Haven’t I done that, Ayda?” My voice was low and threatening, the betrayal making it husky as I set my face to stone. “Haven’t I?”
Ayda pushed her forehead against the bag, physically moving it before rocking back on her heels, her palms catching it on the backswing. I couldn’t tell if she was fighting tears or trying to find the right words.
“Jesus, Drew,” she eventually snapped. “Haven’t I done enough to show you that I love you for who you are? I fell in love with you because of who you are. I’ve never asked you to change. I’ve never demanded you tell me more about club business because I trust your judgment about what I can handle. This wasn’t about betraying you. This wasn’t a ploy to hurt you. This was something I needed to do because when I wake up in the middle of the night covered in sweat, my heart in my throat, you’re the first thing I search out. The first thing I need to remind myself that we fucking made it. You almost died in that warehouse, and all I can think about is how I don’t think I could live if you had died because you’ve become the reason I get up every morning. You’re the reason I smile, laugh, and cry with frustration. I love every part of you, and I just want to be the woman who stands by your side. A woman you can be proud of. I’m not looking for a fight.”
She balled one of her hands and pushed against the bag, her breathing becoming labored.
“I just want to protect myself, and if something ever happens, I want to be able to protect the things I love and care about. Don’t you understand? Can’t you just for a goddamn second see it from where I’m standing? I hate myself for howweak I was that night. I hate myself for how close you came to death because I couldn’t defend myself against two men who jumped me while I waited for you. You got hurt because I couldn’t defend myself.”
I huffed out a humorless laugh. “And there it is.” I snarled, raising my hands in the air before slapping them back down against my thighs. “There it is. The very reason I walked away from you at the diner. The bullshit excuse, the justification, the Hanagan special that makes everyone else feel shit for what she’s done to them.” I shook my head slowly, my breaths getting more labored as the anger rose and shook my muscles. “You know, you can dress this up all you want. You can stand there with your puppy dog eyes and expect me to break. I want to break. Fuck, you have no idea how much I want to break right now and tell you it’s okay. But it ain’t fucking okay, Ayda. You say you never ask me about club business, and you’re right, you don’t. But every time I go out of that door to do something nasty, I tell you that you won’t like it so don’t ask me. I don’t stand there and make up lies about going to work and then sneak off with another woman—a woman who doesn’t know shit about what I need in my life.”
I took another step back, hating the way I was reacting. Distance was the only thing I needed. Distance.
“You say I’m the first person you reach out to, but it didn’t quite work that way when you wanted to go behind my back and become something else, did it? You talk the talk, baby, you really fucking do, but all I’m seeing on your face and all I’m hearing in your words are excuses as to why you ain’t walking the walk. You lied to me. You. Lied. To me. Nothing you say will change that, and I hate the way I feelright now when you are the one person in this world besides Pete who I thought couldn’t lie to me at all. Not even about the small stuff.”
I dropped my chin to my chest and shook my head, planting my hands on my hips and flexing every angry muscle I possessed.
“Sutton,” I said under my breath. “Fucking Sutton.”
Ayda laughed bitterly, and rounded the bag, closing the distance between us with her eyes dark and filled with a rage that met mine. “You just love making me sound like a two-faced bitch, don’t you? There goes Ayda making it all about herself again. Well, you know what, Drew, it comes down to this: The truth is, I bought a gun not long after the attack. I carried it in my purse for another week not even knowing how to put bullets in the fucking thing. I decided I needed a concealed carry license to make it legitimate. Sutton was the only person in the station when I went to pick up the paperwork. I didn’t wantanyoneto know. It’s not—” She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, letting them flicker open again, some of the rage dissipating. “I’m not asking for your forgiveness for owning a gun or learning how to use it. I am really fucking sorry I kept the shooting lessons from you, though, and kept the fact that I even owned a gun from you. I get that I royally fucked up. I even understand why you’re so fucking furious with me. What I can’t stand is this accusation that it’s what I set out to do from the beginning. It isn’t. No one was ever supposed to know.”
She backed away from me, her hands going up to run through her hair and tug at it maniacally. She turned her back to me as she got a handle on her emotions.
I narrowed my eyes at the back of her head. “And yousomehow think that makes it better?” I whispered in disbelief.
“No,” she cried, spinning on her heel to face me again. “I can’t take any of this back, Drew. I know that. You know that. Would I do things differently if I could? Hell yes, I would, but I can’t. I can’t change any of this. All I can do is tell you that I regret not telling you the truth when I should have. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you after Sutton found out. I’m sorry I haven’t told you since.”
“You know what hurts the most?” I began, speaking quietly. “Knowing you were so scared that you went out and bought a gun. Knowing that, while I’ve been wrapped around you night and day, trying to make you feel safe, none of it has been enough. Knowing you got more from that piece of metal than everything I’d poured into you, into us.” I exhaled slowly. “I don’t want to hear your apologies, Ayda. I just want to know where the fuck I went wrong.”
“You haven’t gone wrong,” she said, easing closer to me. “Weren’t you listening? Or maybe I didn’t make it clear enough. I always feel safe with you, Drew. I always know you’re going to stand in front of me when trouble comes at us head on. I always know that when I’m scared I can look at you and know things will be fine… forme. It’syouI worry about. I want you to know that if trouble comes at us, I will be able to stand next to you and fight to keep you breathing. I want to defend myself to make sure you have every ounce of your focus where it needs to be. I know it sounds stupid. I know it’s not an excuse for lying, but that’s why I bought a gun, and why I wanted to learn how to use it.”
She reached out, her fingers inches from my abs, silently begging to touch me.
I stared at her hand, twitching my jaw to stay in control. “If that’s true, that’s the exact reason you should have come to me from the start.” I tilted my head, looking straight into the blue of her eyes as sweat dripped from my brow. “If you wanted to be strong, you only had to say the word and I would have made you strong. If you’re going to be stupid enough to stand beside me in any battle we go into ever again, you had better hope you’ve been trained by the best. And that ain’t Sutton, Ayda.” I moved closer until my chest was pushing against her hand and my body was towering over hers. “I’m the best. I fight better than anyone. I shoot better than anyone. I train better than anyone. I protect what’s mine better than anyone, and you are fucking mine. Do you understand that?” I breathed down on her, closer than I’d been since she walked into the room, my eyes penetrating her baby blues. “You’remine.Myresponsibility.Mineto protect.Mineto save.”
The fire that raged in her eyes wasn’t anger. With everymineI spoke they flared hotter and burned brighter. Her hand trembled against my skin, and her chest rose and fell with tight breaths. “Will you teach me, Drew?”
