Greer’s heart ached. For what he’d missed out on with his family and what he’d suffered. For the fact he doubted himself as a result. Then there was his pain over the baby they’d lost. It shamed her that she’d had no inkling he cared so much. How blinkered she’d been.
‘You’d have done a fantastic job, Conall.’ Her voice was soft with the depth of her feelings. ‘Whenever you set your mind to something, you succeed. If it’s important to you—’
‘It was. No matter how I felt in the beginning, Icaredabout our baby. I began to wonder what he or she would be like, and imagine us all together. Why do you think I sold the penthouse and bought the house? You’d said you wished you’d had a big yard to play in when you were young. I wanted that for our child.’
Greer’s heart somersaulted. She remembered them strolling in the botanic gardens months ago. She’d mentioned how much she enjoyed the wide green space, saying she’d have loved a house with a yard when she was little.
‘I’m sorry, Greer. All this time you thought I didn’t want our baby. I thought, hoped, you hadn’t realised how I felt in the beginning. We were both shocked by the news, weren’t we?’
She nodded. ‘I didn’t feel maternal to start with. I couldn’t believe I was pregnant. I’m so used to planning everything and the baby wasn’t on my schedule.’ She shook her head. ‘But once the news settled, I knew I wanted it. My mum and I were close. I wanted that with our baby.’
She’d wanted more, including a husband who loved her, but she’d take this one step at a time.
Conall’s voice deepened, brushing like suede over sensitive skin. ‘I wish I’d made my feelings clear earlier, sweetheart. Maybe then you wouldn’t have felt you needed to deal with your grief alone.’
‘I’msorry, Conall. I was so wrapped up in how I felt and sure you saw our baby as an obligation, I wanted to hide away. It must’ve made it harder, me leaving like that.’ She tried to imagine his feelings, arriving back from the US, upset about the baby, only to find her gone. ‘I was selfish. It’s no excuse to say I didn’t realise how much.’
‘Don’t talk that way.’ He wrapped his arm around her, drawing her close. ‘You didn’t know. You were hurting.’
‘We were both hurting, but I acted like it was my prerogative alone.’
A warm hand captured her chin, turning it up to meet his black gaze. It glittered, as if sparks of fire lit it from within.
‘Stop that. We both made mistakes. I should have been open about what I felt.’ His smile looked close to a grimace. ‘That’s something I’ve never learned to do. My whole training was in suppressing emotions. That’s why I held back from talking about this, instead of forcing the issue. I’m not comfortable talking about what I feel. I was trained to see that as weakness.’
He looked into her eyes. ‘Let me say it now. Our child was a wonderful gift. I didn’t appreciate that at first but I came to. And if I’d been in any doubt, losing the baby made me realise exactly how much I wanted it.’
‘Oh, Conall.’ She cupped his jaw with her hand, wanting to ease the raw pain she read in his face.
‘When you came back to Sydney from the mountains you didn’t want to discuss the miscarriage. I respected that but I was relieved too. The last thing I wanted was to talk about feelings. In case you said you wanted to leave me.’
‘Conall!’ She goggled at him. He cared that much? Her pulse galloped as she grappled with his revelation.
‘When you had the accident, I had to keep my feelings to myself until you remembered, or until it became clear you weren’t going to remember and I’d have to tell you. You were vulnerable. I didn’t dare admit what had happened. I’ve wanted so long to be up-front with you. But the only way we seemed to communicate easily was in business or in bed.’
The truth of his words hit home. How often had she pushed him away when he wanted to talk about the baby?
Greer rose abruptly and instantly Conall followed suit. ‘What is it?’
‘Hold me, please?’
A crooked smile curved his mouth and she felt it tug at her very being. ‘Gladly.’
But instead of simply wrapping his arms around her, he scooped her up and carried her to a nearby sofa, sitting down with her cradled in his lap. His warmth surrounded her, both his strong body and his air of certainty that she found so reassuring. Greer put her arms around him and snuggled close.
‘I wasn’t sure I wanted children,’ she admitted. ‘I loved my mother dearly but the little I know about her relationship with my father was negative. We moved from town to town, even crossed the country to avoid him. Because of that, we didn’t have long-term friends. We were on the move too often to put down roots and struggled financially. But I learnt the value of hard work and education. I put my career first.Thatwas my idea of security.’
With her head against him, she felt Conall’s voice vibrate through his chest. ‘I can relate. That was me too.’
Greer wondered if that was one of the things that initially drew them together.
‘But when I got pregnant, my priorities shifted. Partly it was the chance to have the sort of relationship my mother and I shared. Maybe it was the realisation I was growing a new life inside me,ourchild. I wish I had words to describe how that felt.’ She pressed closer and was gratified when his hold tightened. ‘My career was still important but it no longer seemed vital. Not like the baby.’
‘No. Not like our baby.’ His deep voice burred across her skin and burrowed inside. He shifted his grip, holding her away from him a little so he could meet her eyes. ‘Would it upset you to tell me about that day?’
Greer felt something in her chest collapse, pain welling. But this hurt was for Conall. Because she’d shut him out. She hadn’t thought he’d want the details of the day she miscarried. Now, to her shame, she saw how wrong she was.
They held each other as she told him everything. She clung tight when his breaths grew uneven, offering him comfort as much as he gave it to her.
