“You will help her,” Rebecca said, which was how she found herself in the kitchen with Andrei, baking a berry cake, which was far less disastrous than it might’ve been, but perhaps a little more disastrous than it should have been. Especially given that they were two adults with decent educations and a fair amount of competency between them in other areas.
But the cake turned out lovely, and the lemon drizzle on top only made it that much better.
They had that instead of a proper dinner, and afterward, he asked if she wanted to go for a walk in the moonlight.
Was this what being a person was? Eating and baking and laughing. Going for walks because you could.
Not sitting at a table for ages, doing multiple courses, and observing formalities. Working on royal administration at all hours of the day. Not that there was anything wrong with that. With being busy.
But this, this slow slide into humanity was lovely.
The moon was full, and cast a glow on the overgrown garden, and she followed Andrei through the maze of paths.
“I bet you had a lot of fun in here when you were a child.”
“Yes,” he said.
He didn’t elaborate. It seemed like the happy memories were almost as difficult for him as the painful ones. But then, she could understand how that was difficult. How it would pull you in multiple directions. Because it wasn’t all bad. And it was so much easier when things could be absolute. So much easier when they could be clean. So bad that you wanted to wash your hands of them. So good that you wanted it to go on forever.
Maybe that was part of what she was looking for, living a life of duty and destiny. A cleaner, simpler life that didn’t have all of this complexity. All of this potential for heartbreak.
And in a way, it kept her mother with her. But only as this simplified version of herself.
But it helped alleviate the grief that she felt over the way she hadn’t gotten to know her through the years. As an adult. As a woman.
Now she was going to be a mother herself.
She put her hand on her stomach. It still felt unbelievable.
She looked up at Andrei, the moon casting a glow on his features. Why was this so hard?
Why did neither of them know how to be together?
“This tree,” he said, gesturing to it. “We used to climb up to the top, see how far we could see. Until my father put a stop to that. He thought it would help the other kids figure out the location of the house.”
“You’re kidding me.”
He shook his head. “No. I’m not. He was an extremely paranoid man. As you must be when you sow the seeds of violence.”
“You loved him, didn’t you?”
“I…think so. Though I am not certain what love meant to me then, as I’m not certain what it means now, not inside me. I depended on them. I knew I was supposed to be like my father. I was in awe of him. My mother was beautiful, and volatile. I still carry grief for them, even though they were very flawed.”
He reached up and grabbed the lowest branch on the tree. And then he hoisted himself upward.
“What are you doing?”
“Climbing. Because I can.”
“I’m going after you,” she said.
“No,” he said. “You’re pregnant.”
“I’m pregnant,” she muttered. “Not made of glass. I don’t intend to fall out of the tree. You know full well we climbed our fair share when we were kids too.”
He kept on going, and she went after him. Until he stopped at a very wide branch that sloped out from the tree and neatly made a basket to sit in. She joined him there, their hips touching. It had been far too long since they had touched. Other than her slapping him, which really didn’t count. And hadn’t been good. What if they had met just like this?
Just as Andrei and Emerald. If he didn’t have a crime empire in his lineage and loyalty to the throne, and she weren’t a princess. It had never even occurred to her to imagine a different life. Her life was exceedingly privileged, and she did her best to live it with the knowledge of that. With gratitude. But right now, she resented it. Because what would life have been like if she could just be her?
