“I just need to rest right now.”
“Fair enough.”
He sat down at the table. “Have you experienced symptoms of pregnancy?” The question felt stilted and stiff, but that was fair enough, because so did he.
“Not really. Though, I might be having a little bit of nausea, extra tiredness. But it’s very hard to say. You know, given everything else.”
“Yes. I suppose so.”
“I don’t know what to do,” she said.
“What do you mean?”
“Even when I went to university, I got a degree that was about making me the best leader that I could be for the country. It was never about what I wanted. Because there has only ever been one real thing that I thought I could do. I was destined to be a political leader.”
“And is that what you want?”
“Well, I think I would enjoy being a diplomat more than a queen.”
“I’m going to say this to you gently. You have done a terrible job with diplomacy between the two of us.”
She laughed. The humor in the moment deeply unexpected.
“Well. Yes. I suppose I have.”
“But that is what you would prefer to do.”
“Yes. I got such a thrill organizing the marriage deal. And if it had just been a trade deal, I think it would’ve been such a triumph. I probably could have enjoyed playing games on Wall Street. Rogue trading deals and that sort of thing. I love it. The strategy. But, what I’ve loved always had to be within the confines of where I was headed.”
He nodded. “Yes. Well. Becoming someone who guarded others was a stark contrast to what my destiny would’ve been had I simply stayed at my father’s house.”
“You would’ve taken over the crime empire.”
He nodded. “A certain amount of brute strength, hypervigilance, all of that, was required. I suppose I’ve always used elements of that with security detail. But there has never been a thought given to what I wanted. It has always been about what is right.”
“I feel the same. Neither of us knows how to be people, you know. We are just symbols.” Symbols that had finally reached their breaking point, given in to their desire for each other, even though it had been a very bad idea. Imperfect, broken symbols, who now found themselves without a mission.
“I couldn’t deviate from the mission,” she whispered. “Don’t you understand? I was so terrified in that moment, and so sad, and I just couldn’t make a different choice. I could only do what I knew to do. Part of me felt like you would understand.” Her throat went tight. “Because what am I doing anything for if I’m not doing it for Basilia?”
“I know that,” he said, the admission heavy because he had been clinging so desperately to his anger and now he knew he needed to let it go. To listen to her. “I know you did not act with maliciousness. I know you didn’t intend to hurt me.”
“But I did. I hurt you. I’m very sorry. I didn’t intend to. I didn’t mean… It doesn’t matter. I was thinking of everything in terms of the cause. Not the personal. And now that I’ve pulled away from it all, I can see that what I was doing was shortsighted. I would’ve left him.”
“But not until he had you.”
She nodded slowly. “I would’ve tried. But I know that I would’ve regretted it. I know that I would’ve called for you. Because you are right. I have idealized this. This idea of living for duty and honor. But I don’t know how to live.”
“These things that you love about your mother. You love them in hindsight. What did you love about her as a child? Surely it wasn’t the things that she did for duty and honor.”
“No,” she said. “I loved her softness. Her laughter. I loved it when she read me bedtime stories.”
“Your mother is not only a symbol.”
“I know.” Her eyes filled with tears. “But it’s so hard to… You might remember her even better than I do.”
“It is possible. My memory of her is that she was extremely kind. Extremely soft. If I’m honest, Emerald, you remind me more of your father. He was very determined. Always excited about another plan, a diplomatic gain. He enjoyed the game of it, but in a way that was always generous, and considerate of others. He was a very good man.”
“Yes,” she whispered. “He was.”
