He was her weakness.
She knew it.
He was her weakness, and he was the thing that had caused her to stumble.
And now… She had no honor left. She had been exposed to the entire world by now, she was certain. Because Lucian knew the truth, so undoubtedly he had announced it.
And where did that leave her? Here in this house, with this man, with… Nothing.
No greater good. No cause, no… Nothing.
All she knew how to do was to be of service.
He was right. She was a vessel for the legacy of another person. If she were very, very honest. She was living for the memory of her mother so that she could feel closer to her.
She was living for the memory of her mother so that she wouldn’t fade from memory altogether.
And she had no idea what living for herself looked like.
Well, she did. Because she had done it once. That night on the yacht, when she had let Andrei have her. When she had given herself to him. To him and nothing else. He had become her mission for that night.
She laughed, wiping tears away as she went up the stairs to her room.
Look what he had done to her. What he had done to them both.
But there was a point where she had to take responsibility for this. And actually look at herself. At what she wanted. It was a terrifying question.
Andrei had been safe for her too. In much the way that he had been for her.
He had been a man that she could long for, desire, and never reach out and touch. The country was her one true love, and everything else was simply a game.
Except he wasn’t.
She lay down on the bed, feeling dizzy with tiredness, and despair.
She was so… So terribly frustrated with herself.
She wished that she could escape her own body, fly about the trees. She wanted Andrei to be her friend again.
Except, he had never been her friend. He had always been a man who felt like he owed the Crown.
Just as she was a woman who had always felt the same.
They were both set pieces, being moved around by the whims of politics and the needs of a kingdom.
And now they found themselves alone, with only their humanity, and they were doing a very bad job of wielding it.
They were lashing out at each other. Hurting each other. Her hand still stung from where she had slapped him.
Why had she done that?
She didn’t like this version of herself. This version of herself that felt so out of control. This version of herself that was being driven by emotion, rather than duty.
And yet, with all of that stripped away, with the Crown gone, this was what was left. She couldn’t escape it. She had to contend with it.
Nothing had ever been more terrifying.
Chapter Twelve
