He walked into the dining room, and Emerald was already sitting there, dressed in green. He had specifically requested that they make as much of her clothing as possible green. He loved her and that color. At least he had. When he didn’t look at her and see half enemy half lover.
“Your brother called,” he said.
Her eyes went wide. “Is he…”
“Furious.”
“I want to call him.”
“Well, that will be difficult now, because I destroyed my phone. And so the two of us find ourselves here without a means of communication to the outside world.”
“You’re insane,” she said. “I’ve known you for all these years, and you have never… You have never behaved this way.”
“Andyouwere going to pass my child off as belonging to another man. So, I suppose these are unprecedented times for us all.”
“I didn’t know what else to do,” she said.
“And what you did was the wrong thing,” he said.
“How nice of you to have such a clear view of it, as it affects you.”
“And what other view should I have?”
“I asked him if he’d set me free. He said no. And as far as I knew you were gone, so what else was I supposed to do, Andrei? Free myself? Run past a gauntlet of guards?”
Her words affected him, and he didn’t want them to. He wanted to stay in this space he’d gone to when he’d decided to capture her. This place that was filled with anger, justification for his actions. For his hurt.
“I’ve given up on duty. It’s done. I burned it all to the ground. I made my choice. So you can sit there, in all your piety, and reflect on the good works that you would’ve done. And what good works they would have been. Pleasuring King Lucian, standing as his queen, bearing my child for him, and then more children for him besides. And did it make you feel good? Because you might think that you need a sense of satisfaction for your honor to get off, Emerald, but you and I know differently. You were well able to get off just with me. Knowing that it contributed to nothing, no good, greater or otherwise except the explosive desire between us.”
“You are themost difficult man.” Her face was red, her whole body rigid, vibrating with anger.
“And I can be more difficult, if it comes down to it. I would suggest that you don’t try me.”
“Do you think I’m going to make this easy for you? You don’t get to take away my agency, my free will, my choices, and then have me simper at your feet. Is that what you think? That because of all this long-standing history between us I’ll get on my knees and give you pleasure, thank you for rescuing me from my own choices?”
“You would, if you had any real idea of what I saved you from.”
“Is that going to be what you use to make yourself feel better about all this? You’re going to pretend that he’s the monster everyone says he is.”
“I don’t care. He could be the best and kindest king in the history of the world—though we know he isn’t—but you don’t want him. I know what it’s like to sleep with someone and to feel nothing but cold afterward. To feel further away from yourself, and who you are, and from any other person than you ever have. Because when you try to fill the deep, unending hole inside you that wears into you over time from unrequited need, all that you do is fill it with acidity and disappointment. Ask me how I know.”
“So you claim you’re saving me from a lifetime of bad sex?”
“You’ve only had good sex, Emerald. See, you don’t actually know what a gift I’ve given you.”
“Bastard.”
“No. My parents were married when I was born. My mother was forced into it by my father. I won’t force you into marriage. So our child very well could be a bastard. I would learn to keep my judgment to myself. Otherwise, look at what you’re calling your own child.”
“I don’t know that I want to have dinner with you,” she said, standing.
“Sit,” he said. “This is not your brother’s palace. It is mine.”
She shocked him by obeying. He would’ve done nothing to her had she not. And she should well know that. But this was the trouble. She was compelled by him, even though she was furious at him. She wanted to be near him, even though she wanted to push him away. He knew that because it was how he felt. He wanted to spit all kinds of venom at her, and then he did want her to kneel before him. He wanted her with him, as much as he wanted to push her away. As much as he wanted her to feel a dagger in her chest, betrayal at his hand, as he had done with her. He wanted her near.
It frightened him how much that reminded him of his own parents. His mother had been forced into marriage. A trade between crime families, and she had loathed his father. But she had been helpless in the face of her desire for him. So much so that even he, as a child, had realized that. That there was a bond between his parents that neither of them seemed to truly want, but they couldn’t escape either.
This house, this moment, this woman, reminded him of things best left in the past.
