Dr. Azzizi’s smile was supposed to be comforting, but Ann-Sophie felt far from reassured. Whenever someone started a conversation with “the good news,” nothing good came after that.
Ann-Sophie tried to block that thought out and simply focus on the message. Her baby was fine. The cramping that had convinced her to take a cab directly from the airport to her doctor’s office was not an emergency. She was not suffering from a miscarriage, nor was she experiencing signs of early delivery. A little pocket of relief formed amid the billowing clouds of worry in her brain. At least that was one worry to cross off the endless list of pregnancy concerns. Ann-Sophie pasted on a smile for the doctor and tried to adjust the blue gown that curved around her growing belly. Then she took a deep breath and braced herself for the next step of this discussion. “What’s the bad news?”
“Your blood pressure is still too high.” Dr. Azzizi’s eyes were sympathetic, but Ann-Sophie was almost sure her blood pressure had just spiked higher. After the first high reading two months ago, she had taken a monitor home with her and discovered that, in the comfort of her apartment, her blood pressure was in the normal range. However, the moment she left for a work trip, the numbers went up and stayed up. This wasn’t exactly a surprise. She had always thrived on the excitement of travel and high-pressure meetings. Unfortunately, the baby didn’t, so she had limited herself to shorter trips, and in another month, she would have to stop altogether. Which was stressful, too.
“There’s just been so much to do,” she said. “And my life is going to change so much after the baby…”
She was still trying to get her head around taking care of a newbornby herself, let alone imagining how she would work once maternity leave was over. Currently, during a busy month, she spent more weeks traveling than at home. But she couldn’t just…leave a baby for days. Would she have to leave her job instead? And who would employ an interpreter who didn’t travel?
Ann-Sophie took a deep breath. Those had all been tomorrow’s problems. Today’s problem was how to handle the stress of travel. She had tried everything to bring down her blood pressure, starting with more frequent walks and cutting out salt, then working her way up to strict bedtimes…all of which were hard to stick to while traveling. Today, for example, she had woken up in Milan before sunrise after the unexpected extension of the previous day’s meeting, instead of catching up on the sleep she had lost this week, as she had planned. This was the kind of schedule crunch that meant that, despite increased interventions, her blood pressure at work kept ticking up. This increasing stress was probably why, when the meeting let out early this morning, she had found herself wandering by the Carandini Corporation’s head office before she caught her flight back to Stockholm. Because the visit made no rational sense.
“I’ve been doing everything you told me to,” she told the doctor. “Yoga in the morning, plenty of water…”
“I believe you,” said Dr. Azzizi. “But sometimes our bodies don’t respond as well as we’d like them to. Your job makes a lot of demands on you. Which is why I’m highly recommending that you go out early on medical leave.”
Ann-Sophie blinked at the doctor. “What do you mean?”
“Starting as soon as possible,” she said as she typed a note into her computer.
Ann-Sophie gaped at her. “I can’t just leave my job.”
She was already stressed about fitting in all her commitments before her maternity leave began. This was worse. The thought made her want to curl up on the cold, vinyl exam table and take a nap. Or do something to make this situation go away.
Dr. Azzizi finished typing, and when she looked back up, her smile had faded. “I understand that this will be difficult. You will, of course, be eligible for your full pay because it is medically necessary, but I understand that these situations can be tricky.”
Ann-Sophie wondered if her doctor could see the scope of what she was asking. If she did, it didn’t change her mind.
“It is my strong recommendation that you do this now, before the situation becomes more serious. Right now, your at-home measurements indicate you can almost certainly reduce your blood pressure with a less stressful lifestyle. But if you wait, both you and your baby can find yourselves in a much different situation.”
The words rattled through Ann-Sophie’s body ominously, making her shiver.
“But I feel fine,” she protested weakly.
The doctor raised her eyebrows.
“Fine-ish?” she amended.
But even that was an exaggeration. First, there had been the bouts of morning sickness, and as her belly grew, her feet tended to be sore and swollen at the end of the day. That was just the beginning of the list. Still, the last thing she needed was lots of free time to worry more often. “It’s just that my body doesn’t feel like I need rest.”
“You should definitely stay active,” said the doctor. “Swim, walk, stretch. It’s the stress that needs to change, and after two months of modifying everything else, we’re down to the last option. You need to stop traveling for work.”
“But I love to travel,” Ann-Sophie whispered.
Exploring new places was one of her very favorite things about her job, and now, her last month of it was gone. When was the next time she could start her morning at a window seat in a new coffee shop with a pastry and her journal? When the baby turned eighteen? Of course, she knew these sacrifices were coming and was willing to make them. She just didn’t think they would come so soon. So suddenly.
The doctor furrowed her brow. “You could take a vacation instead. Maybe a solo retreat or go with a friend?”
Ann-Sophie let out a sigh. On her first visit with the midwife atBarnavårdscentralen, she was asked to check one of the two boxes on the form she had filled out: single or partnered? Ann-Sophie hadn’t hesitated. She’d checked offsinglequickly and deliberately, as if she, like her mother, had made a conscious decision to have a baby without a partner.
Because who wanted a partner who, surrounded by their colleagues, would clarify that their nights together were essentially meaningless sex? She had made the mistake of believing her week with Alessandro had transcended their differences. But in the middle of that opulent ballroom, he had exposed the truth: He could yank that feeling from under her feet at any time. She had felt silly and small. Less than. And it triggered all her leftover feelings from her nonrelationship with her father, feelings she absolutely would not dwell on now, when she had her own child. Because she would never allow this child to feel less than. Unwanted. Abandoned. Not worth their parent’s time.
Apparently, Alessandro had been so committed to the message he delivered in the ballroom scene that he decided a further step was necessary. Adding insult to injury, heblocked her number. The fact that this move still hurt to think about was yet another source of frustration. What happened to the woman who had loved her single life, surrounded by friends and free to travel, explore and follow her whims and curiosities?
“I’ll ask some friends if they’re free,” she said, though she knew none of them could pick up and leave for a spontaneous trip now, in early September, right after the summer holidays.
“You will be doing both yourself and your baby a favor,” said Dr. Azzizi, but Ann-Sophie barely heard her.
As she walked out the door of the office with the printout of her doctor’s orders in one hand and her carry-on suitcase in the other, she reminded herself that this phase would pass. Fall had arrived in Stockholm, and a cold gust of wind blew through the narrow streets as she walked to the main office of Swedish Connection Interpreting Services. Ann-Sophie had no memory of what she said to the head of human resources when she wandered into the office. All she remembered was the sympathetic smile Birgitta had given her when she said, “Don’t worry. We’ll take care of this. Just get some rest, and we’ll message you with any questions.”
