She twisted her mouth to the side a little, but she didn’t seem uncomfortable with the question.
“It’s not a totally flattering story,” she admitted.
He darted a pointed glance over at the broken cornhole boards. “Oh, well, since we’re all only showing our most talented sides tonight…”
He liked how her smile returned.
“The short version is that I think it’s me,” she admitted. “I was not a super social kid growing up. And I guess I just never really learned how to make friends? So this is pretty much the first time in my life that I’ve had any. And I’m beginning to suspect that I’m pretty bad at it, actually.”
Shane frowned. This story made sense in some ways, since it did explain the way Winnie got stiff and nervous around his sister and their friends. But there was something that did not make any sense to him at all…
“I don’t know how it’s possible that you never had friends,” he said. “You’re great.”
He was rewarded with another smile.
“I appreciate that,” she said. “But you know how it is. Kids aren’t always super accepting of other kids who are different. And I was… nerdy. Quiet. Shy. Super into history and a little bit of a suck-up with the teachers,” she admitted, pulling a face. “In hindsight, I can see that I was like that because I didn’t have friends, so I was looking for approval from adults, but at the time, it was sort of a self-perpetuating cycle. Andthatwas just elementary school,” she clarified. “Then middle school started.”
Shane had plenty of friends of his own in middle school, but even so, he remembered that kids could be harsh about the strangest thing. It had seemed to be a little bit less severe more recently, based on what he had witnessed from his nephew’s adolescence, but it was always hard to tell, from the outside perspective.
“Yikes,” he said sympathetically.
“Yikes,” Winnie agreed. “Actually, the craziest thing happened this summer: the two girls who were the meanestbullies in my school showed up here. That was one of the first times that I bonded with any of the book club members. Diana and Eleanor told them to stop being jerks.”
“Eleanor never could stand for a bully,” he said, feeling a rush of pride and appreciation for his sister.
“Anyway,” Winnie went on. “Like I said, it was a cycle. Kids were mean, so I kept close to the adults, which made the kids meaner. When my family moved to Magnolia Shore when I was starting high school, I decided that I was going to strike first in a way… not bullying back or anything,” she hastened to add, not that Shane had been thinking any such thing. Even at her most aloof, Winnie had struck him as reserved and a little self-conscious, not mean.
“I just played it very ‘too cool for school,’” she said using air quotes, then paused. “Except actually not for school. I loved school. I played it too cool for friends, and then, surprise! I didn’t have any friends.” Her smile took on a sad tinge to it. “I thought it would get better in college, and for a second, it looked like it was going to, but then my parents died.”
“Oh my gosh,” Shane said, feeling his heart squeeze in sympathy. “I’m so sorry.”
She nodded. “Thanks. It was really hard. My mom was sick, but fortunately not for too long, and then my dad had a heart attack not too long after that. About a year later. And heart attacks are obviously really common, tragically, but I always kind of thought that it was the broken heart that got my dad. Hereallyloved my mom. We both did, but it just hit him differently.”
Shane couldn’t resist reaching out and giving her hand a squeeze. She returned the gesture and gave him a wobbly smile. Her eyes glimmered, but she spoke about her parents in a fond way that said that, although remembering them might be hard, she was still glad for the opportunity to do so.
“I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been,” he said. “Eleanor and I lost our dad about five years ago now, but I was well into my thirties. Plus, I had both my sister and my mom. I still do. Going through it when you were barely an adult… I’m just really, really sorry.”
“Loss is never easy,” she said with the simple wisdom of someone who had faced too much of it. “But yeah, it knocked me off course. Any budding friendships I might have been making at college died under the chaos of that horrible year. I mean, I don’t blame anyone. I didn’t know how to handle losing a parent at eighteen. I just didn’t have any choice in the matter. And it wasn’t as though I was being super mature and open about my feelings either. I just withdrew, and those would-be friendships petered out.”
“You can’t blame yourself for trying to protect yourself either, though,” he argued.
She gave him an appreciative look.
“I don’t… or at least not anymore, I don’t. But still. Thanks for saying it.” She sniffed a little. “I really didn’t mean to get so deep into things, but, anyway, yeah. I backtracked. My mom had always been my safe space. That’s how moms are supposed to be and she was one of the best. So, when she died, I didn’t really know how to feel safe in any new relationships. Losing my dad only made it worse. And I certainly didn’t feel good about looking to mypeersfor that support, since I’d only ever found hardship in that direction…”
Her smile grew a little wistful.
“This was my parents’ couch, actually,” she said, gesturing at the squat piece of furniture on which they sat. “I can remember my mom buying it for our new house when we moved. She looked forforever… and still ended up with this ugly thing,” she said, laughing.
“I wouldn’t sayugly,” Shane ventured, then hesitated when Winnie raised an eyebrow at him. “Yeah, okay, it isn’t great.”
“’Shabby chic,’ my mom called it,” Winnie reminisced. “She felt very cutting edge. My dadhatedit, but, like I said, he loved my mom, so he never said anything about it. She was a stay-at-home parent, and I can still picture her sitting here, reading a book, waiting for me to come home from school. I don’t know why, because she obviously changed her clothes every day like a normal person, but I always picture her in this one soft, pink, oversized sweater she had. It was cashmere; my dad had gotten it for her for their anniversary one year, and shelovedit. I would come home, and she always had a great snack waiting for me, and we’d curl up and read together while I ate it before I started my homework. About half the time though, we’d get distracted by talking about something or other…”
She trailed off, with a fond, distant smile.
“She sounds amazing,” Shane said.
“She was,” Winnie agreed. “She was soopenwith people too. She was not the kind of mom who would ever be disappointed in me for having feelings, since she wassoencouraging, but I do like to think that recently, I’ve managed to be a little more like her. A little braver, when it comes to letting people in.”
