I pulled the folder out from under my mattress and opened it, staring down at the drawing. I wondered what he’d think if he knew I still had it. Everyone thought it was gone. They’d watched me rip all of them to shreds and throw them in the trash. What no one had noticed was the one I’d slipped into my open backpack as I picked it up off the floor on the way to the trash can.
“Mason, come here quick. Look at this.” My heart dropped to my feet when I looked over and saw them dragging Elijah into the gym. Jaron was waving around some sketch paper. They were all laughing and a crowd followed them curiously. It seemed like the whole school was watching and waiting.
I tossed the basketball to another teammate and walked over to them. “Oh my god, Mason, you have to see this! Look at it! Look what he did! The little freak actually drew you. He’s obsessed!” They all burst out laughing.
Elijah was looking right at me. His eyes. He could still speak to me with them, even if I couldn’t usually hear him as clearly as I had when we were younger. Back when we’d been best friends with a bond we thought was unbreakable, we’d rarely even needed words. That had changed when I decided to become an asshole in middle school.
I could hear him that day, though, as clearly as I could when we were running through the woods during our carefree summers. “Please remember us. Please remember when we were friends. The treehouse, the secrets we shared. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. Please remember how we used to be best friends, just this one last time.”
I reached for the papers Jaron held out eagerly. My hands were shaking and I cursed myself for it, because did Jaron see it? It wasn’t a secret to me that Elijah liked me, but did he see me looking too? What if all of them saw it? What if they remembered how close we used to be? What if they noticed me watching him every time I saw him? What if they knew I missed him? That I still wanted to be his friend? What if they knew I wantedmore?
I couldn’t have that, not anymore, and I couldn’t let them know. The whole town was watching me, and I had a weight on my shoulders that I’d never meant to have. I was the star of the basketball team. In our little town, high school sports were activities for everyone, whether you had kids in school or not. I was in the newspaper nearly every week. People knew things about me I had no idea how they found out. The town also happened to be pretty homophobic in general. If they found out I was gay, they would ruin me.
I dated girls to hide it. The one I was with had pretty much figured it out, but she understood my dilemma. She was the best friend I had, even closer than Derrick or Chris, and she went along with it.
I looked down at the drawings in my hands. There was a small stack of them, but the one on top was unquestionably me. I wasn’t sure when Elijah had gotten so amazing at drawing, but he’d always liked to. I was beautiful in the portrait, even though it was just a black and white sketch of me in my basketball uniform. I was more beautiful on that paper than I was in real life, inside or out. And I was about to prove that.
I looked up, and with my eyes, I tried to ask him why he’d let himself get caught. If I didn’t react, they would all know. I couldn’t let them know, it would destroy everything I’d tried to build in my life. So I stepped forward. Elijah struggled, but Jaron and Tanner were holding him there. “Why are you stalking me? Why did you draw me, you creep?”
“Mason, please,” he whispered, but I punched him in the gut. Not as hard as I could have, and I’m sure he knew that, but hard enough, because I had to make it look like I was actually upset about the drawing. One more punch and a knee to the balls that had him doubling over despite their hold on him, and I backed up. I’d hurt hissoul and wounded his pride much more than I’d hurt his body, but I wasn’t sure that made it any better.
“Let him go. This isn’t a fair fight, and it never could be,” I said with a sneer. “He’s not worth it.” I turned away and headed toward the trash can across the room. Elijah’s friends surrounded him as my friends backed off. Rory had been screeching at me to stop the entire time, but the team blocked her. A couple of others showed up late, unsure of what was going on but coming to his aid when they saw him on the gym floor. Everyone else had just silently been watching the show. All eyes were still on him as I picked up my backpack.
I took the other drawings to the trash can, holding them with the backs to the room so no one would see mine wasn’t still on top, and made a big show of ripping them up. “Disgusting,” I said, dumping them in the trash. I took off before the coach got there, but I got tattled on anyway. I didn’t get in nearly as much trouble as I should have.
I stared at the drawing in my hands. It held a lot of pain, but it was beautiful, and had taken so much work. I wished I’d at least given it back to him, even though he probably wouldn’t have wanted it after all that.
I really wished I’d never chased popularity. I didn’t even care about basketball; I was just good at it. I made the team in middle school and when I won a nearly hopeless game, everyone suddenly knew who I was. I let it go to my head, because I was weak in every way but brute strength.
???
My mom hugged me goodbye. “You’ll be okay?”
“I’ll be fine, Mom. I might get some food from the diner. I’m a big boy. You don’t have to worry about me here, I promise.” She hugged me again before she left.
I showered and dressed, heaving a sigh as I wasn’t completely sure I wanted to face the number of people from my past I knew would be at that bar. It would come down to it eventually, though, and maybe when they were out in a drunken revelrywould be the best time.
I carried the drawing to the kitchen with me, still admiring it as I heated up some leftovers. I ate, and stared at the drawing without seeing it, remembering the hurt look in his eyes when he realized I wasn’t going to show him mercy. When he believed that the old Mason was truly gone forever.
I didn’t even realize I’d carried the folder and sketch to my car until I started to back out of the driveway. “Shit,” I muttered, putting the drawing back in the folder and shoving it under the passenger seat in case someone ended up in my car tonight. I knew that someone would end up being the designated driver, but I had no idea whose car we’d be taking.
I balked at all the cars around the bar. The parking lot was full, the lot beside the building was full, and the cars spilled over into the bank parking lot next door, which was where I found a spot. The entire town must be here. I had to sit in my car and take a couple of breaths, then I finally got out and headed inside, bracing myself and holding my head high even though I wasn’t nearly as confident as I knew I looked. I was pretty good at hiding things. I’d had a lot of practice.
I pulled the door open and stepped inside. Thankfully, Chris and Derrick were at a table near the door, and they spotted me immediately. They both rushed over to greet me. With one quick glance around, I noticed a lot of people I recognized. Some of them were looking at me curiously, as though trying to place who I was. Some recognized me immediately and said hi, though they seemed surprised to see me. Still others looked at me with pity but didn’t say anything. I followed Chris and Derrick to the bar.
As the bartender approached, a different type of guilt overwhelmed me. I thought of my sweet mom and worried dad, trying to keep me safe, trying to help me because they were my parents even though I was grown and made my own dumb decisions. I thought ofhim.He’d be so pissed at me for allowing myself to fall so deep into despair that I’d tried to end it. He would never let me drink again.
The bartender had taken my friends’ drink orders and was waiting on mine. “Fuck,” I muttered. “Just give me a Coke.” He nodded and headed off to get the drinks. Chris and Derrick just stared at me in confusion. I looked at them, then looked down. “I wanted a drink but... I’ve had some issues with alcohol lately. It just, it puts me in a bad headspace. I know I probably shouldn’t. My mom...” I trailed off and stared at the bottles lining the wall behind the bar, just to avoid their eyes.
Even in my peripheral vision, I could see that they looked horrified. “Fuck, man!” Derrick cried, “Why didn’t you say anything? We could have gone fishing at the lake or something. We didn’t have to come to a damn bar.” I glanced over, and he looked like he felt he was the shittiest person in the world.
“Hey, it’s cool,” I said. “You guys didn’t know. It’s my fault. I’m sorry. I thought I wanted a drink, and I thought I could handle it, but I know I probably shouldn’t tempt fate. I’m okay. I’m happy to be hanging out with you guys again, so let’s just have a good time.” I would try to have a good time, for them.
We took our drinks back to their table, and in the dim light and relaxed atmosphere, I started to feel a little better. A pop song came on and some of the younger patrons were filtering onto the dance floor while the older crowd was complaining about the music. As I listened, amused, to the complaints, suddenly the words “fucking freak” pricked my ears.
I glanced over at the bar, where the voice had come from, at the end nearest the door. I immediately recognized Jaron and Tanner from the basketball team. They looked like they’d just come in from work without bothering to change. They were rough looking and kind of dirty. They already looked like old drunks even though they were the same age as me.
Both Jaron and Tanner were glaring at the dance floor as they muttered to one another, annoyed, and I followed their eyes. The entire world seemed to slow to a stop.Holy shit. Was that really him?I knew it was, but my brain was having trouble wrapping around it. I’d looked at him back then. There was no denying he had a pretty face, he always had. Everyone knew that,even his haters. But now.Now. Not being able to talk to him was going to hurt even worse. It was also going to make it real hard to stay in the closet if I had to keep running into him looking likethat.
