Rory thought I was indifferent about the whole thing. I’d told her back in high school that I didn’t care anymore, I was over him and he meant nothing to me. That it didn’t even hurt because I knew who he was, deep down, after that day. She’d apparently actually believed me. I supposed I could be pretty convincing when I was trying to protect my own heart, but I was lying back then and I was still lying every time I said I was over it.
I’d truly hoped he would grant me mercy in the gym thatday. I’d begged him silently to remember when we were friends and thought it would always be that way. I’d begged him to forgive me for not telling him I was gay even though I’d known before we drifted apart. For not warning him I’d had a crush on him for just as long. It was more than a crush, but he didn’t need to know that.
Mason hadn’t heard my silent pleas that day. It was as though he could no longer hear me without words like he could when we were kids. We used to freak our parents out speaking without speaking, somehow in tune with each other enough that we didn’t always need words. But it didn’t work after we grew apart, or if he could hear me he simply didn’t care. Either way, he had not granted me mercy or forgiveness. He hated me for all of it, and he let everyone know that day.
I struggled through the rest of my shift, and before I wearily made it out the door, Rory ever so kindly reminded me that I’d promised to go out with her. I just nodded and waved as I told her I’d meet her at the bar at eight.
I changed into sweatpants and a T-shirt when I got home, because I needed comfort, then I plopped down on my couch and turned the TV on. I’d change again before I went out. If I felt like it. Enyo happily climbed into my lap, purring and bumping her head against my chin. It made me smile and I scratched behind her ears. “I wish I could just hide here with you all the time,” I said softly. “I don’t like going where people are.” She just stared at me with that one eye like she understood what I was saying, then bumped my chin again.
I tried to distract myself with the TV, but my mind kept going back to that day, the day that had ruined me. It had not only ruined my life at school, but my hope that maybe the Mason I used to know was still in there somewhere, that maybe someday when we were adults and he wasn’t some popular asshole jock we could find some of the friendship we’d lost. Even though I knew I could never have him like I wanted him, I would have settled for talking to him and being able to hang out occasionally. I knew it was dumb to still want to connect with him afterhe’d treated me like shit since middle school, but my heart always was a fool, and he proved it that day.
“What’s this, freak?” Jaron Marsh grabbed the papers out of my hands before I could even react. A few of them were for art class, but the one on top was not. I never let anyone see my personal drawings. I sketched random things sometimes, things I didn’t care if anyone saw, but I’d always been really good at hiding the personal ones. I was in a lonely corner of the library and no one had ever bothered me there. I was supposed to be studying, but first I was finishing the sketch of the object of my affection.
The library was nearly empty. I’d just finished my artwork and had started to put it away before beginning my homework. I had no idea how half the basketball team had found me there or why, but I looked up to find Jaron and Tanner Roth right in front of me. Chase and Dillon Williams were behind them, closer to the entrance.
I grappled desperately for the drawings he’d ripped from my hands, but he already had the one I didn’t want him to see. He practically screeched, “Oh my god! Is this Mason? Did you seriously draw Mason?” He burst out laughing as he held it up for his friends while I still struggled to grab it from him. “You guys, look at it! Freakshow’s in love with Mason!”
My cheeks grew warm with humiliation as they all started laughing at me. Tanner looked at Jaron like he was their leader. “What should we do?”
Jaron looked back at me with a grin and an evil glint in his eye. “Well, since this drawing is of Mason, I think we should let Mason decide that.” He moved toward me, still gripping my drawings in his left hand as he reached out with his right. I tried to back away, but he grabbed one arm and Tanner grabbed the other.
I struggled with everything I had, because I knew my entire life was about to be ruined, no matter how Mason reacted. It was useless, though. Chase and Dillon moved so that I was surrounded, and they all forced me out of the library. We headed toward the gym, where I knew Mason was practicing.
I sighed as I stroked Enyo’s fur and tried again to focus on the TV, until I realized I needed to eat something before I wentto the bar. I felt like getting trashed. It had been a bad day and I wanted to forget it all.
I gently moved Enyo, who made an offended noise, and went to my kitchen to heat up some leftover takeout. I ate quickly then took a shower, deciding I did want to look presentable in public. No sense in giving them more to talk about. I found some jeans and a tight black T-shirt. When I went out, I liked to prove I wasn’t the weird, skinny little nerd I used to be in school. I only worked out at home, since I usually avoided people, but it did the job. My body was definitely not what it had been in high school. It hadn’t really been about looks when I started working out, more about being able to defend myself, but I was okay with the way I looked and I’d show it off if I wanted.
“Sorry, Enyo,” I said, giving her a pat as I grabbed my keys and wallet. “I wish I was staying with you, but I’ll pick you up some food while I’m out.” She watched me head for the door and then curled up on the couch. I texted Rory to let her know I was on the way but had to stop and pick up Enyo’s food first.
There weren’t that many gay people in Brooks Glen, especially people who were out. Even fewer now that Brandon was gone, though he’d never admitted he was gay. Hell, he’d never even admitted it to me, despite his dick being inside me and in my mouth so many times. At least I wasn’t alone in my friend group, though, because Trevor was definitely out and proud. Our entire group had been tight since senior year, though Rory and I had been friends much longer. The others found us right when I needed them.
I still got looks and whispers when I went out, and so did Trevor, even though he never gave a shit what anyone thought, even back in high school. I could handle talking behind my back, I was just hoping that homophobia wasn’t the sole reason Brandon was gone. He’d had plenty of enemies, though, so it was doubtful. Knowing how he died still hurt, even though my friends didn’t understand that. Despite everything, I hadn’t wanted him dead, especially like that. It was unnerving.
Going to Purdue to study veterinary technology had beeneye-opening for me. It had been so different from Brooks Glen. I’d met so many open-minded people and joined an LGBTQ club. Growing up in a small town as a gay kid certainly hadn’t been easy, but in college everything got better.
I came back as soon as I graduated, though. Brooks Glen was home, despite everything. My mom was still here. She’d raised me alone, since my dad died when I was a baby, and she’d always been the one person I could count on. She accepted me for who I was, and she was the only one who’d ever seen my personal drawings until Jaron found them. Her love and acceptance hadn’t been enough to keep me from being ashamed of myself when I was a teenager and everyone else told me I was gross and wrong, though. It took me a long time and a lot of friends to get over it, but I was comfortable with who I was now. I wouldn’t let anyone take that away from me. I wasn’t going to hide.
???
When I got to the bar, I parked in the lot next door and Rory met me at the sidewalk, looking adorable in her little skirt and cowboy boots. The town wasn’t ever going to be called sophisticated, but at least now, despite the protests from the older regulars, they played pop music fifty percent of the time along with the country music they loved.
Rory grabbed my arm. “Let’s get drunk!” she cried with a grin. I just smiled and followed her inside.
The bar was crowded, normal for a Saturday, but my friends already had a table near the dance floor. There was a round of shots already waiting, and I ordered a mixed drink. I’d probably have another and maybe another shot before switching to the pitchers of beer I knew they’d already ordered because the pitchers were cheap. I was ready to get plastered.
We all took a shot together, and they were all laughing and talking about their day. My own bad day was almost instantly forgotten. I started to feel better and even made fun of myself for the whole Great Dane blood draw. Rory was the only otherperson at the table who worked with animals, but Jenna worked in human medicine. She knew a Great Dane would have huge veins, and that there was no way someone who’d been doing it as long as I had should miss. I laughed with them.
It felt good to get out and socialize again. I didn’t want to turn into a hermit, but I knew I’d revert back to wishing I could stay home the next time I was invited out. It didn’t matter, though. All I needed to worry about was right now, and forget all the memories that had tormented me all day.
Chapter 6
Mason
My life got a whole lot easier when my parents announced they were going to a show in Indianapolis with friends that night. They were going to dinner first, and would be home late. I kind of felt like a teenager again, having to account for my whereabouts all the time. There were only a few times I’d truly felt like giving up because it was too much. Since I’d been drinking each time, my mom thought that drinking would cause it every time, no matter how many times I promised her I wouldn’t do anything drastic. Life sucked, but I deserved it, and I’d live with it. He would have been so mad at me for even thinking about it.
I sat in my old room waiting for my parents to leave. My mom didn’t need to know I was going to the bar. I was pretty sure a few drinks wouldn’t affect me the way they had before, but I hadn’t actually had a drink since I’d made myself throw up the bottle of pills I’d swallowed. I hadn’t told anyone I’d actually tried to do... that. My mom would be beside herself if she knew I’d gone that far, even though I’d stopped it in time. I’d be fine tonight, though. I’d be with Chris and Derrick the whole time, andI wouldn’t let things get out of hand. I just wanted to feel a little bit normal again.
I looked around my room and sighed, wishing it wasn’t the same as I’d left it. Couldn’t they have repurposed it so that I wasn’t walking into a portal back to the time where I’d started fucking everything up? The nostalgia was overwhelming, and not in a good way. There were so many things I wished I could go back and change, so many wrongs I wanted to make right, but it was too late. Too much time had passed to even know how to start apologizing.
