It was a female who had Elijah’s name in her mouth, but I didn’t look to see who it was, pretending not to notice. A male voice spoke up from the same direction. “Well, I guess we’re going to find out who’s gay in this town, because Elijah has slept with all of them and they’re either going to run or end up dead.” He had the nerve to laugh at his shitty joke.
Another female spoke up. “Do you guys really think he did it? I mean, it’s Elijah. Come on. Have you seen how much animals love him? He’s like a damn fairy-tale princess or something, and that has to be important, right? Animals don’t gravitate to the villains.”
“I don’t know,” said the male voice who’d already spoken. “He’s definitely not perfect. Sometimes you don’t know what a person is capable of.”
Another male voice spoke up. “Dude, whatever. You’re just judging him because he’s gay and he’s slept around a little. I guarantee you’ve slept with more chicks than he has dudes. Come on. That’s a double standard.” Some snickers.
“It is, though,” said the girl who’d talked about animals liking him. “You guys are jerks. He’s not a bad person, I’m telling you. You know who the real assholes are in this town? And who also hate gay people for no reason?”
“Yeah, everyone knows Jaron and Tanner are assholes. But the cops talked to them already. They’re too drunk and stupid to pull off anything like this anyway.”
“Well, they do have friends, you know. Some pretty smart ones. And if you hang out with people like them, maybe you think like them too.”
“Meh, I don’t know. I think their friends are all leftovers from high school who feel sorry for them.”
I kept listening but they changed the subject to their friend Deana getting fired. I hadn’t seen Jaron or Tanner with anyone other than each other, so I wondered who these “friends” were. If they were left over from high school, it was probably someone I’d been friends with too. The only people I still talked to were Chris and Derrick, and neither of them seemed to be friends with those idiots.
The conversation behind me strayed even further from Elijah, so I sighed and tuned them out, trying to catch any other pertinent snippets of conversation around me. None of them seemed important. I remained with my back to the room, still listening but feigning ignorance, and sent a text to Miller.Anything yet?
A few minutes passed with no reply. I got a coffee refill. When his text came through, it just said, I still have to work every day, and all you gave me was a likely fake first name and a possible town. You’re going to have to be patient here. Any new murders in that little town? I can tell you everyone your boyfriend talked to who’s still active on the app if you want me to.
I chuckled but sent back,No. He already told me who he’shooked up with. We had a very uncomfortable-for-him conversation about it a while ago. No new murders, but you’ll be the first to know.
He sent me a thumbs up. I finished my sandwich, and hearing nothing else important around me, left Jodie a hefty tip and headed out into town.
???
I walked around all afternoon, able to look back at my childhood for the first time without drowning in guilt. So many of the places Elijah and I had gone as kids were still here, still the same. I paused at the window of the ice cream parlor and gazed inside, thinking about all the times we’d saved our change just to go get an ice cream cone before dinner with no permission. I glanced at the park we’d gone to that was near the house he grew up in, and stood in front of that house thinking about all the times we’d wreaked havoc in there alone when his mom was at work. We’d almost caught it on fire once, because we thought letting off fireworks on a tile floor would be okay.
It was weird to be able to look back and smile, to be able to remember things without the thought of how badly I’d fucked it all up shoving its way back into my mind, eating away at my soul. His forgiveness had lifted something off my chest, a weight I hadn’t realized was as heavy as it was. The weight I’d been carrying the longest.
I glanced at the entrance to the woods behind the park. We’d explored them a lot, miles of them, distances our parents had no idea we’d gone. He’d always loved the woods. I wondered how close we’d gotten to the house he lived in now. It seemed like we’d gone nearly that far a few times.
We’d made a lot of discoveries that I knew I’d never be able to find again: a spot in the stream deep enough to swim, an abandoned rope swing, even an old church—one whose road was too overgrown to find, and a place that no one seemed to even remember existed. It was falling apart, but Elijah had loved it. Hemade me go there a few times, and he’d probably gone without me too. He would sit there in the pews like he was actually at church, told me he felt closer to God there than he did at the church our parents made us go to.
Looking back, I knew why. He knew even then that he was different. He knew the people at our church wouldn’t accept him for who he was. Elijah believed in God, and he believed that he was loved by that higher power, even though people were unconsciously telling him, andme, that we weren’t. When he was alone in the woods, or with the friend that he futilely trusted, he felt closer to heaven than he did anywhere else. He wasn’t scared there of what the world would think. He was at peace. Thinking back, maybe that was when he started talking about us living in a cottage in the woods together. Just us in a place he felt safe. Maybe he’d already discovered his feelings, and meant it as more than what I understood back then.
I wished I could have just given him what we both wanted when we were younger. I hadn’t, though, and our future was still uncertain. His forgiveness meant everything to me, but I had a life in the city that I hadn’t fully left. Elijah would never want that life, would he? I couldn’t think about it yet, though. All I could do was protect him. I had to keep him safe, there were no other options. I could not lose someone else I loved due to my own incapabilities. If Elijah died, I would too.
Chapter 20
Elijah
He stayed like he said he would, and I was glad I wasn’t alone, even if I wouldn’t quite admit that much. I gave him a key so he could come and go as he pleased. He usually met me at work or beat me home and had dinner started when I came back. I wasn’t sure what he did all day while I was at work, but I was pretty sure he was snooping around for clues. I’d seen him around town throughout my days, talking to people, trailing Tanner and Jaron, and generally being a pain in the ass to the police force because he was determined they weren’t doing their jobs properly.
Sometimes I stared at him in my house, because it felt like he belonged there, and I thought of all the times I’d dreamed of a life with him when I was younger. I hated the reason he was back, but I was grateful that someone higher up was being merciful enough to let me know what happiness felt like. To let me know what it was like to love someone who loved me back. And I did love him. I always had. But I wasn’t going to tell him, even though a part of me wanted to. It would complicate things and make it even harder on him in the end.
I woke up early on Friday morning, the sun barely rising. I wasn’t sure what woke me, but I climbed out of bed to use the bathroom, and as I headed back to my bedroom to try to get a little more sleep, I glanced at the living room window. The shades were up, which was strange, because I always pulled them at night. I could see the corner of my porch swing and it was swaying slowly back and forth. I paused.
A look at the trees beyond my porch told me it wasn’t windy. I looked into my room to see Mason and Enyo sleeping soundly on my bed, and though I wanted to go back to the warm safety the spot I’d vacated offered me, I crept over to the living room window and looked out. There was a man sitting on the swing, methodically rocking it back and forth. I swallowed hard as I recognized him from behind as the man who’d been standing in the woods, the man Mason couldn’t see. He didn’t turn around, but his hand moved and he patted the seat beside him.
I glanced at the bedroom again. Nothing was telling me to run or panic, but I’d been wrong before. I decided to trust my instinct and hope I was right, as I moved to the front door and unlocked it, stepping out onto my porch. The light coming over the horizon was orange and red, casting everything in a warm but somehow eerie glow. I looked over at the swing and he was still there, looking out at the sunrise.
Even though he still didn’t look at me, I walked over and sat down on the swing with him, moving my legs slowly in the rhythm he’d already set. It felt like there was someone truly there, someone solid, swinging with me. I could feel his weight in the pull of the swing, and that was probably the weirdest part, because I knew he wasn’t fucking real. I dared to get a good look at him. He was maybe a little older than me, but not by much. He had sad brown eyes and blond hair.
“Are you the one who keeps talking to me?” I asked him, mainly because I was tired of all the weird shit going on around me and the things being said. If I was looking at him face-to-face, maybe he wouldn’t speak in fucking riddles.
Disappointingly, he just said, “No.” There was nothingethereal about him. His voice was normal. He seemed like a regular person, just taking a rest on my porch. He paused for a moment but added. “That’s bigger than me.”
