His possessive tone gave me a shiver that I tried to hide. How had the person I hated the most in high school become the one damn thing I needed? How the fuck did he evenknowwhat I needed? The person I’d never found in any of the other red flags, but of course in someone who wasn’t even planning on staying around long. Why did my heart let me feel things I shouldn’t, every damn time? I was tired of it being broken so often, but I wasn’t sure it would matter this time, because by the time Mason left, I probably wouldn’t be here anyway.
“Let’s go back to your house. We’ll have our talks, but we’ll save the detective talk for last, okay?” I wasn’t sure what he was implying, and I wasn’t completely certain that some part of him didn’t suspect I was somehow involved. But then he put his hand on my arm again, just a touch, and said, “It’s going to be okay.” It was a simple sentence, but the words calmed me in a way I couldn’t begin to explain. Why I trusted him, I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t ignore the warnings I’d been getting in my dreams for months, but it did make me feel better. He moved his hand to my chin, made me look at him. “We’re going to figure this out. I’m not going to let anything happen to you. I’ll take you to your car.”
“I’m still supposed to be at work,” I said weakly.
Mason rolled his eyes. “You aren’t going back to work today,” he said firmly. “You were just arrested there. Let Chris smooth things over with your boss. He told me he’d make sureword gets around town that the arrest was uncalled for, since people were there. You need to let things cool down for a bit, and we need to try to figure this out.”
I conceded and got in the car with him, and he drove to the clinic and parked right next to my car. I got out and glanced at the building. Rory was watching out a window, and she waved when she saw me getting in my car, and I waved back before heading home with Mason right behind me.
???
Enyo ran to greet me as soon as I walked in the door, excited to see me home early, and I wished my life could be as simple as hers, just worried about the next nap and happy for unexpected surprises. I picked her up and let her joyful little purr comfort me as Mason walked into the house behind me and closed the door. I heard him lock it. I put Enyo down and gave her some treats for being such a good friend, and she kept purring as she ate them.
Mason walked over and gave me a hug, and I didn’t fight him, I just relaxed into his arms. He didn’t speak, just stood there holding me in my kitchen. It was somehow everything I needed. We stood like that for a long time until he finally said, “Are you hungry? You want me to make you some lunch?”
It was later than I normally ate lunch, but I didn’t have an appetite. I shook my head.
“Okay,” he said, pulling me into the living room and guiding me to the couch. “Look. We need to talk. About everything.” He sat me down beside him and looked at me. “Let’s start with the fact that we haven’t had a serious talk about everything that happened between us.”
I hesitated, because I wasn’t sure I could handle that particular conversation with everything else that was going on. Why did he want to talk aboutus? My brain could only handle so much, it was already on overload, and I was pretty sure he was getting ready to add to the things it was working on.
Mason either ignored or didn’t notice my trepidation. “Look, Elijah, you were my best friend in the world. You know that, right?” I just nodded. “I’m going to be really honest. I know that none of this is going to make up for what I did, and it’s no excuse for my behavior, but I think you deserve to know the whole truth.”
He looked at me, then looked away.
“I started having feelings for you around middle school that I didn’t know what to do with. That’s when I started putting distance between us. I felt bad for pushing you away, but I didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t know how to be around you when I felt like that. I thought it was wrong. I thoughtIwas wrong. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry I was mean to you, and I’m so,sosorry for hurting you in the gym that day. I’m not just talking about physically. I can’t even put into words how deeply I regret it.”
He looked down and paused for a moment, but I just waited for him to go on. I wasn’t sure what he wanted me to say. He finally looked back up at me.
“I finally accepted myself and I owned who I was, but I still couldn’t bring myself to try to reach out to you from Chicago. I didn’t think you’d hear me out, and I didn’t think I deserved that anyway. I don’t deserve to be heard, and I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I want you to know how I feel, since we are where we are. I never stopped caring about you, Elijah. Even when you couldn’t tell.”
I stared at him. I wasn’t sure I fully forgave him for everything, for breaking my heart so completely, but I’d let him fuck me on more than one occasion. I’d let him pretty much own me, so what could I really do? Was I still mad? Maybe some part of me was, but I did hear him. “I think we’re past this,” I said. “I heard you the first time, and I believe you. I mean, we are what we are right now, I guess.”
He shook his head, eyes imploring mine. “No,” he said. “I hear you again, and I know you. I know you have a bad history of choosing men, but I’m not them, Elijah. I’m not some pieceof shit who wants to use you just to break you again. I have real feelings for you, and I always have. I know you used to have feelings for me, but I’m not sure you still do, not really. I’m not sure you aren’t just the metal for the magnet of a complete asshole. I just want you to know how much you mean to me, and that I’ll do whatever it takes to protect you.”
What the hell was this?I thought we were going to have a talk about what was going on and my arrest, not our damn feelings. I swallowed thickly and he watched my throat as I did. “Mason... I don’t know what to say. I was in love with you back then, alright? It wasn’t just some dumb crush. I knew who you used to be, and I loved that Mason. Then you weren’t him anymore. I thought there might still be a chance that you were the boy I loved, way down inside, but you proved me wrong. Then you come in here, telling me youwerestill that guy, and literally sweep me off my feet. In the midst of my previous lovers being murdered, you rescue me from assholes trying to beat me up like I’m back in high school, then people were messing around outside my house, I got arrested, and I just... I don’t know what’s going on right now. I don’t even know how to compartmentalize all of this. I don’t... I don’t know.”
He hugged me again and I let him, fell right into his damn arms with my forehead on his shoulder, trying to remember how to make my brain work. “I know,” he said softly, and he was rubbing my back with one hand like the old Mason, the real one. “I’m not asking you to return my feelings or even figure outwhatyou’re feeling. I just want you to know mine. I want you to know who I really am. Okay?”
I just nodded against his shoulder. He moved his hand to rub my hair soothingly. “Alright,” he said. “Next up. I need to know the names of every guy you’ve ever slept with.”
I sat up abruptly and stared open-mouthed at him. He just arched his brow. “This is about you, Elijah, and you can’t pretend that it isn’t. You’ve pissed someone off somehow, and we have to figure out who it is before they reach you one way or another. You’re the one who chose to tell me about your dream, so nowI feel the time crunch. I’m not going to judge you, I just need to know. It’s important.”
I sat back. “I don’t think I really want to talk about this with you...” I tried weakly.
He looked at me sternly. “This is the part where the detective is sticking his nose outside his jurisdiction, not the part where your old friend is telling you he was in love with you back then too. I need to know. Like I said, it’s important.”
In love?He was telling me he’d not only had a crush on me back then, but was in love with me? The thought of how different our lives could have been hurt me to my core. I could have had the dream I’d had when I was a kid, even if I hadn’t understood what a life in a cottage with Mason meant back then. Everything could have been different. But it wasn’t.
I rested my head on the back of the couch and looked away from him. With a sigh I said, “I fucked Trey back in high school. Trey Justice. Right after you outed me and broke my heart. I knew he was bi and a player and trouble, and that all he wanted was a hole to sink his dick into, but it felt kind of like a warped sense of revenge. Like fuck you, Mason, yes I’m gay and I don’t care about you anymore.” I glanced at him, but he just nodded.
I looked away again and went on.
“There were some in college.” I shrugged, thinking. “There was Jonah, and Kyle. They were at parties. Some guy I traded blow jobs with whose name I was too drunk to remember. A semi-serious relationship that lasted most of sophomore year. Devon Anderson. We broke up that summer. None of those guys were from around here. I think Jonah was the only one from Indiana, and I have no idea where any of them are now. There was Brandon, obviously, and Brock. Some other guys from the app. They were from nearby towns, but not here. There was um, Randy. And Will. They were both older than me by a couple of decades. I don’t know their last names, but I hooked up with both of them a few times. There were a few others closer to my age from Indy that I met up with a few times. Brian, Noah, and Matt.”
I looked at him again, and he was listening, without judgment in his eyes. I wasn’t sure he wasn’t just using his detective stance, but I went on anyway. “I hooked up with Trevor once. We were all super drunk and went to someone’s house after the bar and everyone was hooking up and we were like, fuck it.” I glanced at him to try to catch the judgement before he could cover it, but I still didn’t see any.
I shrugged and went on.
