My mom was already talking about everything she wanted done, and while Danny was agreeing with most of it and explaining how they’d set it up, I did hear, “That’s not possible, ma’am,” a few times. I chuckled and turned on the TV.
My mom started making dinner, and shooed me away when I tried to help her. I knew she wanted to take care of me, but I was already starting to feel like a slug. The guys finished up in her bedroom, and of course she invited them to stay and eat. Danny smiled as he thanked her graciously, but said, “We have to get going. We still have one more job today.” Before he left, he looked at me. “See you around, man. Don’t try and wimp out on that game you promised me.”
I laughed. “Never.” I could still beat him. I’d played some in Chicago, when I had time.
They took off and my dad arrived home shortly after. My mom took him to see all the cool gadgets Derrick and Danny had set up, then she called us for dinner. I’d cook for them one evening. I was decent at it. Honestly, I’d only learned to impress my dates, so I could wine and dine them and we didn’t have to leave my apartment because I never had a lot of spare time. My mom would appreciate a night off, and I didn’t want to feel like a total freeloader. I wasn’t used to being taken care of anymore. We allate together, but I insisted on cleaning up alone. My mom was surprised, but didn’t complain and went to go play in her new smart room.
When it was all clean and I headed back to the living room, my mom met me there and said, “I have to work at the library tomorrow. I was supposed to be off, but now Carol is sick and I have to go in. I already had an appointment for Sweetie Pie at the vet. Can you take her for me?”
I rolled my eyes. I wanted to help, in any way but that. “Mom, come on. She hates me. I’ll never get her in the carrier.”
“Oh, don’t be silly. The top opens. Use a towel. You’re much bigger than her.”
Mom knew good and well that size didn’t matter when it came to a cat. They became all teeth and claws when they didn’t like what was happening. I remembered going to the vet with her when I was a teenager. Sweetie Pie hissed and screamed and bit, and it took two techs with thick gloves to allow the doctor to get through the exam. They’d even suggested sedating her. I knew the trip was going to turn out embarrassing for me, but I wasn’t doing anything else so I sighed. “Fine, I’ll take her. She still goes to the one in town?”
“Yes, when I have to take her. I avoid it at all costs because she’s horrible there, but she’s due for her vaccines. She nearly escaped out the door the other day and I want to make sure she’s covered.” I just nodded.
???
I sat in the living room all evening watching TV with my parents. My mom was smiling and kept glancing at me, and I had to admit it was kind of nice being here with them. Like I could pretend I was still just a kid enjoying a Sunday evening and hadn’t fucked up my life along with everyone else’s.
I might not have loved the shows they picked, but looking at them, I thought about what great parents they were. I was lucky. They stood by me in all of my darkest times, even when Ioften caused my own distress. And they’d taken me in yet again, because they knew I was on a path to self-destruction.
I was feeling better about everything sitting here with them. Not great, but better. The town was a little more comfortable after going out and talking to people I used to know too. I also felt a lot better after having the chance to apologize to Elijah, and to fuck that ass I’d been wanting since high school, but I couldn’t dwell on that or I’d have to go rub one out. I focused on the fact that I’d finally talked to him, let him know I was sorry, and got him to tell me he’d eventually be willing to hear me out. It was enough. Not everyone here hated me. I would go to the psychiatrist for my parents’ sake, eventually, but I was going to put it off as long as I could.
I headed to bed thinking about Elijah and how he was correct yet again about things he knew nothing about. I’d never forgotten how he knew right away that my aunt had died, even though I’d only just found out. He’d been there for me, hugged me, asked me if I wanted to talk, but sat in silence with me rubbing my back when I didn’t. Knowing that I’d turned on him within months had always haunted me.
And the lady in the cemetery when we were alone . .. I’d never stopped being freaked out about that. I was pretty sure my soul beat my body to his house that day, and I avoided the cemetery completely after that. There were other instances, but those two were the ones that had never left my mind.
It made me wonder if Chris could be right, though, and he did know more about his ex than he was letting on. Did he have an idea of who it was but was afraid to say something? Since he never seemed to have any type of control over whatever it was, I leaned toward believing him, but I wanted to discuss it more, because if he didn’t have a clue, maybe we could figure out how he could get one.
My mind went back to Jaron and Tanner. I hated that Elijah was so far out of town, soalone. Who would protect him out there? It’d take the police much too long to get there if they needed to. I didn’t think he was armed either, besides a set ofkitchen knives.
I sent him a text after climbing into bed.Hey. You okay? Just a little worried about those assholes messing with you like that for no reason.
There were a few minutes of silence in which I thought I wouldn’t get a reply. But finally my phone pinged.I’m fine. They’ve been messing with me most of my life. If you’re talking about what Chris said, I don’t think it was them. Neither do the cops. They were questioned.
I hesitated but finally sent back,You can text me any time you need me.
Another pause, and I could almost feel his trepidation through the phone. Finally,Thanks. There were no more replies. I put my phone on the nightstand and let myself drift off to sleep.
???
“Detective Hale, we need your location.” No. No, no, no, no, no. It was supposed to be fine. We were going to be the heroes. We didn’t have time to wait, but we’d done it before and it was fine. This couldn’t be happening.
I spoke into the radio on my chest but my voice cracked as I did so. “We’re in the old Foley warehouse at the port. Lower level, about ten yards from the main doors. Officer down! Get here fast!” I looked down at my lap where the person who meant the most to me in this damn city lay gasping for air. It was my fault. I told him it would be okay. I told him we couldn’t wait. I... it was all on me.
The man who’d shot him lay dead a few feet away from us, a single bullet in his skull from my gun. His partner was gone. I wasn’t pursuing this time. I wouldn’t leave my own partner. Knowing that the man who’d done it was dead did little to appease me. It was too late. “Fuck, Brady, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry! Hang in there for me, I need you to stay awake. They’re coming. You’re going to be okay.”
It was a lie and we both knew it. He tried to say something, but no words came out. Blood oozed from his mouth and down his chin as I held him close and tried to hold myself together. He was theperson I trusted with my life, and who had futilely trusted me with his own. The person who knew more about me than probably anyone in the world. My wingman in the gay bars even though he was straight. My brother, the one who would have followed me into any danger. And I let him get shot.
I never knew what he was trying to say. I held pressure on the wound in his neck. He looked up into my eyes, and in my mind he was asking me why. Why I hadn’t waited. Why I’d let it happen. It felt like he was blaming me, because I was blaming myself. If I had followed protocol, if I’d just listened to him, we’d both be okay, and I wouldn’t be holding him in my lap as he lay dying in my arms.
I could hear sirens outside, but I knew it was too late. His breaths were wet and rattling, and his eyes were fading. I couldn’t stop the sob that escaped me. He tried to point at something, but I couldn’t see anything in the darkness in the direction he’d lifted his hand. No one shot me, so I wasn’t sure what he’d tried to point at. He could have been hallucinating, or trying to tell me something important, but I’d never know.
I knew I’d relive that moment every day for the rest of my life. The moment he turned to me and I saw him fall, my world fell with him. Everything I thought I knew about who I was, it all collapsed when he did. None of it was real, not the cop who was determined to be the hero to make atonement for past sins, not the bravery, not the ability to outsmart the criminals. I’d just been lucky up to that point, but I’d fucked it up like I fucked up everything else in my life. I was a terrible friend. A terrible detective. A terrible person. That was who I was and always would be. There was no atonement for my sins. I’d be better off dead.
I woke up in the darkened bedroom of my childhood home, vividly aware that the change of location had not stopped me from reliving that moment nearly every night. The guilt threatened to suffocate me every time I woke. I climbed out of bed and walked down the dark hallway, the house almost eerily silent since it was obviously very late and my parents were in bed. I splashed some cold water on my face in the bathroom andheaded back to my room.
