“I wrote letters,” he admits. “To people I hurt. To you and to myself, but I haven’t given you yours.”
“Why?”
“Because I didn’t want to give you more to carry. This was about my accountability for my choices.”
I drop his hand and cover my mouth, a sob breaking free.
“I realized there was a very real chance you might never speak to me again,” he continues. His eyes are soft, “And if I had to see you happy with someone else, that’s all that would have mattered—your happiness.”
“I never thought of it that way,” I whisper.
“I just knew I needed to become someone who deserved to breathe the same air as you.”
I let my tears fall. I’m shocked when I feel a few wet drops on my shoulder. He rasps, “OKC was wrong without you. I’d wakeup in the morning and think of you. I’d realize I was alone even if I was in the middle of some party. It took coming here to figure out why.”
He presses his lips against the crown of my head. “One thing we’ve been working on in therapy is that love isn’t about admiration or control. It’s about presence. About choosing to stay when it would be easier to back away. Letting someone see you when you don’t have answers and trusting them not to leave because of it.”
“Those are good things to learn,” I rasp.
His arm tightens around me. “And I’ve also come to the conclusion real love is about conquering demons together—not doing it alone.”
I let his words sink in, knowing his actions over the last several months give me proof of his intentions.
“Even if you can’t forget the past, that’s okay,” he says softly. “I need you to know the man I am now isn’t running anymore. Even if the road for us is long and bumpy. I just plan on enjoying the ride.”
I lean forward and press my forehead to his, shaking. “I didn’t know you’ve been working through all of that.”
“I needed to work through it,” he replies. “But after last night? I don’t want to hide anymore.”
I wrap my arms tight around his shoulders. It doesn’t take him but a second to pull me into him before burying his face against my neck.
His breath shudders, voice cracking. “After that first night when I told you I knew, I thought I lost you forever. I would have deserved it.”
I hold him tighter, my own tears soaking into his hair. “That’s why it’s a relationship. It’s something we figure out together.”
He pulls back slightly, eyes vulnerable in a way I’ve never seen before. “But you’re with me?”
“Yes.”
“And you’re not boxing up the past like it didn’t happen.”
“I couldn’t even if I tried.” My voice is slightly reproachful, “You’re not the only one who’s been in therapy.”
Hope flickers in his expression. “Then…we’re okay?”
“I can’t promise I won’t need reassurance.”
“I’ll give you all of it,” he says. “And if I mess up, I’ll own it.”
“Ifwemess up, we’ll take responsibility.”
He lifts my hand to his lips and presses a firm kiss on the back. “We’ll continue to learn from each other.”
“Okay. We move forward. Carefully. Honestly.”
“Together?”
“Yes,” I say. “Together.”
