“You knew he wasn’t. You knew he was with me.”
I shifted on the couch. “I couldn’t be sure.”
“Anyway.” Ryan ran her hand along Lilla’s head. The little girl was struggling to keep her eyes open. “It was a mistake, regardless. I didn’t want to be away from him. He tried to keep his distance. But it was a messy, messy time, meeting up in secret and then regretting it, regretting everything, not talking to each other but unable to fully call it quits. He’d spoken to Skip and Jas about resigning, and I was beside myself about it.”
“And then you just happened to get pregnant.”
Ryan was nonplussed by the accusation in my voice. “Spin it however you like,” she said. “It was an accident. But once it happened, I realized I didn’t want it to happen again with anyone but Wilder. And I thought maybe itwouldn’thappen, not ever again. I can’t explain it rationally, but it really, truly did feel ... like my only chance.”
A silence fell as the wind continued outside, punctuated softly by what must have been the sound of Wilder now digging in the garden. I allowed that we had both tried to protect my brother.
“And you wanted to protect Lilla like you protected Wilder,” I said aloud.
Ryan nodded. “The thought of seeing her face in a tabloid, in a TikTok, splashed acrossTeen Star’s news site ... it just filled me with dread. Still does. Everyone needed something from me, wanted something, all the time. I didn’t even want them to think about my baby. And I wanted to be hers, and hers alone.”
“How did you do it?”
“What? Disappear after the VMAs?” she said. “We had all our affairs in order beforehand. Shipped the stuff we needed here. Then I went downstairs and changed out of my blazer and used the tunnel concourse to get to 30 Rock. I thought I’d have to bribe someone down there, but it was just ... empty. The stars aligned for us.
“Wilder was waiting for me in a rental car at the other end. We stopped by the Midtown police station so the cops could see that we were okay, then we flew commercial, intentionally made a lot of connecting flights, and just kept our heads down until we were out. We’ve started the naturalization process and really pushed ourselves to build our language proficiency here ... Lilla’s already got it down, thanks to our neighbors. But it’ll still be a couple years before we’re full citizens.”
“And you got married.”
“Yes. To make things easier, legally.” She looked sheepish. I wondered if she knew how it sounded—how I was sitting with this news at that moment, slowly processing just how much I’d missed out on. I would never be in my brother’s wedding party. I wasn’t there for him when he became a dad. I didn’t get to shower Lilla with gifts when she was a newborn.
I slowly shook my head and forced myself back into journalism mode before the feeling became too overwhelming. “But why the spectacle? Why not wait until you could leave quietly?”
At this, Ryan gave a small smile. “I’ve always liked spectacle,” she said. “And I wanted—with all my heart—to accept that VMA. I would have left earlier if it wasn’t for that, but ... god, I wanted to be there. Any later and people would have started to notice. I’m shocked Tatiana never spilled the real reason for that blazer. There’s no way she missed my change in measurements.”
“I’m sympathetic to your fear about unwanted attention,” I said. “But what kind of life is this, living like you’re in witness protection? What happens when Lilla grows up? When she wants to go to school and make friends and live a normal teenage life?”
Lilla stirred but did not wake at the sound of her name. Ryan held her closer.
“We can give her most of it. Everything, really. We’re set for life. And we’ll move around the world as needed, showing her the best of everywhere, and eventually ... letting her choose her own path. She’ll want for nothing.”
“And what about you?”
Ryan gave a little laugh. “Me? What about me?”
“You’re just ... done?” I tried to fix her with the same calculating stare she’d given me. “You’re never going back to performing?”
Ryan met my eyes without hesitation but toyed with the edge of the blanket that Lilla had pulled around the two of them. “No.”
“I’m surprised,” I said.
She shrugged. “There was a time I thought I’d never give up my career for motherhood. But things changed. Lilla is my priority now. And I couldn’t have been a normal parent for her at my level of fame. I mean ... not the parent I wanted to be, at least. Not the mom I wanted Lilla to have, not the best version of myself.”
“So, what?” I pressed. “Did youneedto be normal? Do you have to be absolutely perfect before you can be a decent parent?”
The room was quiet as Ryan ran her hand through her daughter’s hair.
“It doesn’t matter now. I don’t miss it.”
I nodded and leaned back in my armchair. The night had darkened to indigo outside, and I could now see my face reflected in the window.
“I saw your old stuff,” I said quietly. “Skip took me to the Madcap storage locker to help me find the crystal ball.”
A flicker of eagerness passed briefly across her face. Ryan made a strange movement, gripping the edge of the blanket and then letting go, so quickly I thought for a moment I’d imagined it. “Did he?” she said. Her voice was controlled.
