But the lyrics were all her own. I’m not touching that—and I didn’t need to. She would come in with her tattered old notebook and just write about what was on her mind that day, the things that happened in school, and so forth. But she had a way of framing them so poetically—I mean, Ryan’s what happened when you took the lyricism and depth of Bill Monroe and packaged it in the perspective of a thirteen-year-old girl.
She still had a normal life, back then. I’ll say this: When I suggested River Rocks to the Holdings, those festivals were as far as I ever expected or intended Ryan to go. It was my opinion that she needed a community and an outlet for her obvious talent. But the way she soared was nothing I could have predicted.
Should have, maybe. I think we all underestimated her.
Now, I’m no “hater,” as my grandson would call me. And wherever she may be, god bless her, I still say I’m Ryan’s biggest fan. But I—I do feel responsible. Would I have set her on this path if I knew it would cost her her childhood, the best of her teenage years—any sort of a normal life?
No. No, I don’t think I would have.
I don’t know. Maybe there was something in me that knew I couldn’t stop her as I sat in that little studio listening to the song she recorded.
It was “Providence.” Yes, the very one that appeared on her first album. I got to hear it before anyone else. It was a little different back then, but those verses—it was poetry beyond her years.
It’s just you and me, William / How many years will we be young? / I’ll keep you with me down this lonesome road. / It’s Providence that brought me here / The same that sends you off, I fear. / I hope you’ll wait for me on Wickenden.
William was—well, you know. He was that boy she ended up having so much trouble with down the line. The melody was something she’d been playing around with for some time. I know she adapted it to name the venue location for River Rocks, and I thought that was pretty clever of her. A nod to “Lonesome Road” to make for a nice pairing on her audition tape, a little homage to River Rocks’ home. And it was pretty heads-up for a kid like that to grasp the double meaning ofProvidence.
“Have you even been to Rhode Island before?” I asked her. “How do you know Wickenden Street?”
Ryan grinned. “Looked at the atlas for something that would rhyme.”
She recorded the song in one take. And she let it be what it was.
Of course, at those last concerts before her disappearance, she sang,It’s just you and me, William / How many years will we be young? / It’s getting old to walk this lonesome road. / It’s Providence that brought you here / The same that makes us strange, I fear. / You left me all alone on Wickenden.
So, you know. The lyrics evolved to reflect what had happened.
Three
Justin William Ayers,Ryan’s first boyfriend
Look. I already know I’m going to be the villain in this story, okay? But I’m just a regular human being who was swept up in this—in this web of Ryan’s fame.
It wasn’t a life any of us expected to live. Take the brains of kids, teenagers, going through puberty, and then throw them into nationwide visibility, throw them into mass attention, throw them into amounts of money they have no idea what to do with.
I’m not going to make excuses for any of my actions. I’m also not going to make any apologies that, quite frankly, I don’t think I’m under any obligation to give.
All I ever asked for was my fair share. All I ever wanted was basic cut-and-dry recognition where recognition was due.
When I didn’t get it, I had to take matters into my own hands.
But I’ll get to that.
Yes, I am the William in “Providence.” That’s my middle name, that’s the nickname she used for me all the way back then.
We sort of started dating, if you can call whatever thirteen-year-olds do “dating,” the summer before her bluegrass thing in Rhode Island. She wanted it to be a secret. Thought it would be “thrilling”and “romantic.” You’ll learn this about Ryan, if you haven’t already: She liked to makewaytoo big of a deal out of things, have them her own way, create all this theatrical, elevated drama that was unsustainable for normal human relationships.
So maybe she was born for the life she ended up living, who knows.
But I’d never liked a girl before like I liked her. So I went along with it.
She always liked to call us star-crossed lovers. Ryan had these big plans she used to tell me about—I’m going to travel the world, I’m going to make music, I can’t stay in Hamilton forever—and she would always dangle them over me like she wasn’t sure I was in her future. I was like, dude, I’m thirteen, I don’t really care.
I mean, I did care a little. Obviously.
She made everything feel kind of magic, even back then. I will give her this: For as huge as she got, for as much money as she made, Ryan never stopped being a great listener. The summer before she started doing all those festivals, Mari was gone with her parents on a trip to the Grand Canyon, and Ryan and I spent nearly the whole week together. Her parents probably knew there was something going on between us, but for all she told them, we were just friends—and the thing is, we were really good friends. She was cool; even though I liked country more than bluegrass, we had a lot of common ground. We both lovedBuffy the Vampire Slayer. I told her that I wanted to be a writer when I grew up—I’d never told anyone else before. She read my stories and didn’t laugh at them, and I read her songs. We had a lot of respect for each other.
I wish that was still true.
