But at HCU, that’s never been the case. Even if Octavia knew little about mine and Dread’s hatred for one another, she was still very much aware of who my father is.
So, someone else putting in the effort to be my friend—not because of who my father is or because I’m associated with Dread but because of whoIam—is just… unusual. Or, rather, unheard of.
Octavia’s expression softens, though she doesn’t stare at me with pity. It’s the same look she had when she first sat down. I hadn’t recognized it because I’m not accustomed to it from anyone outside of Dread, and eventhat’sstill taking getting used to.
Affection.
That’s… new?
“Oh…” I shake my head, bewildered. “You, like,actuallycare.”
She smiles and nods, and I just stare at her blankly, unsure of how to process this information.
“How are you doing, Rev?” she asks gently.
I have no fucking idea why I suddenly feel like crying; it’s weird, jarring, and makes me slightly panicky.
I clear my throat, shifting in my seat awkwardly as I glance around,desperately trying to swallow down the knot forming in my throat. My sinuses are burning, and my chin threatens to tremble.
I quickly look down and force back the tears beginning to well in my eyes. It takes several moments before I trust my voice enough to speak.
“Not the best, but not the worst, I guess,” I answer honestly, my voice raspier than normal.
I continue to keep my gaze firmly pinned anywhere else but on her, my cheeks burning from mortification.
“I heard about Gabi accusing you of having something to do with Mindy’s disappearance.”
I tighten my lips and nod. “I get it, though. Dread did a good job of getting people to see me that way before we…” I trail off, not sure how I’m supposed to even finish that sentence.
I glance away, shaking my head. Yet another reason why I struggle with my relationship with Dread. He’s done so much damage, and here I am, dating the man.
“You’ve forgiven him?” she asks softly, not a trace of judgment in her tone.
“No,” I whisper, my brow furrowing as I drop my eyes to the table. “But I’m trying to, I think? He doesn’t… he doesn’t treat me that way anymore. Which I’m obviously glad for. He’s still a dick, of course, but…” I shrug, glancing up at her quickly. “Not in a way that hurts my feelings. He’s just very dominating and intense, but he says he’s in love with me.” I shake my head again, frustrated with my inability to convey myself properly. “I don’t know. Some things are just hard to forgive.”
Octavia’s quiet for a few beats, long enough to draw my gaze. She’s staring off to the side, but whatever she’s watching is unfolding in her head. Sadness weighs down the corners of her mouth and creases the skin between her brows.
“I understand that,” she says quietly.
Guilt tugs at my chest. “I’m sorry for breaking you and Severen up,” I say, pulling her focus back to me. “If it means anything, he’s extremely in love with you and, at this point, he’s planning on aging and dying alone without you. I don’t know if there’s more to it than the bullying aspect, but if any of those three deserve a second chance, it’s definitely him.”
A small smile graces her lips as her stare dips to her fidgeting fingers, but it’s sad, almost melancholic.
“I doubt Severen has said anything about this, but I have a twinbrother, Orion. We grew up with very different lives, though. I had a lot of friends when we were younger, and while I wasn’t a part of the popular mean girl crowd, I was well-liked and never had issues. But Orion was heavily bullied.” Her smile quickly turns upside down, and she seems to get lost inside her head. She blinks several times, visibly yanking herself out of it a few beats later, meeting my eyes. Her voice is considerably raspier when she says, “He died by suicide when we were fifteen because of it.”
My heart drops, and my face tightens with empathy. “You don’t have to explain any further,” I tell her earnestly. “Severen partook in the very thing that took your brother’s life. You have every reason to never want to associate with him again.”
Her stare drifts off to the side as she nods, though it’s a little dazed, a more subconscious reaction.
“I’m deeply in love with him,” she admits softly. Then, her blue eyes snap back up to mine, an underlying sense of determination swirling within them. “But being with him would be a betrayal to Orion. How could I be with someone who’s just like the people who drove my brother to kill himself? How can I be with someone who’s even capable of that? He explained why he did it, and I understand his motivations. I understand they weren’t inherently evil. I even understand people who do bad things are capable of changing. I get all of it.”
Her brows pinch, and the determination bleeds into malice. “But then, I think about Orion’s bullies and how some person out there is probably thinking the same thing about them, and that makes mereallyfucking angry. It makes mesoangry there’s even aminutepossibility someone could empathize with them in any way, could see what they did to Orion as amistake, something stupid they did as a kid, that they’re different now. They’vechanged.So then, I stop caring about what led them to become the way they were and who they are now, because they got to become something at all. Meanwhile, my dead brother’s rotted flesh is being eaten by fucking bugs right now.”
I wince and nod. I know she isn’t directing her ire toward me, and… I fucking get it. It’s a position I’ve somewhat found myself in with Dread—falling in love with him, which leads to empathizing with my own bully while also trying to remind myself he’s changing, and forgive him—and it’s fuckinghard.
Honestly, there are a lot of days when I don’t know if I can.
“I get it,” I repeat quietly.
