“The problem with that being—?”
Alice blinked in bemusement. “Why, a pompous hypocrite is—is—”
“Piratic?” Essie suggested, laughing. “You know, when I was young, I despaired at how different I was from others. No matter my efforts, I could not seem to manage proper behavior. It would have been bad enough had I been a wallflower, but I actuallyclimbedthe walls, from a burning curiosity about what was on the other side. Luckily, I met Gertrude Rotunder, who taught me the flight incantation. I stole my first house and never looked back. Now I am to my own self true, and it’s brought me love, friendship, and a rather delightful hoard of treasure. Maybe one day uniqueness will be considered acceptable in women; until then, I pass on Polonius’s advice whenever I can. We pirates know that not even the sky needs to be the limit. Wouldn’t you agree, Mrs. Blakeney?”
Crash!
It took a moment for Alice to realize the sudden loud agitation was not her brain imploding from conversational stress. Mrs. Rotunder had overturned the small round table at which she had been playing whist with Mrs. Ogden and Millie the Monster, and now all three ladies were on their feet and glaring at each other.
“Are you cheating, Mrs. Ogden?!” Mrs. Rotunder shouted, drawing her sword.
“I most certainly ain’t!” Mrs. Ogden said, bristling with outrage.
“Well, why not?” Mrs. Rotunder demanded. “Do you not believe me a good enough player that you need to cheat?”
“Um...” Mrs. Ogden was momentarily flummoxed. “Of course you are, dear. The best! I was absolutely on the verge of cheating, I can assure you.”
But it was too late. The brief hesitation had sealed her fate.
“En garde!” Mrs. Rotunder declared.
Around the room, chairs and small tables clattered to the floor asseveral other ladies jumped up, drawing their swords automatically, before realizing the challenge had not been for them. Whereupon, they shrugged...
“En garde!” they shouted in reply.
Metal clashed against metal. Cries ofTake that!andDie, fiend!andWatch out for the teapot!resounded throughout the chaos.
Essie stood, tossingAll’s Well That Ends Wellonto Alice’s lap before hurrying over to join the melee. Stunned and aghast, Alice took the book into her hands and stroked it, then checked the pages for tears and creases. The fact that she found none was not appeasing, for her private intimacy with the book had been disturbed. She was beginning a careful four-count of breath when a hand appeared in her line of vision, presented quietly, as one presents their hand to a dangerous animal of whose temper they’re unsure. Looking up, she saw Daniel regarding her somberly.
“You seem fatigued, dear wife,” he said. “May I escort you upstairs for a rest?”
Alice gratefully took hold of the hand, so strong and steady, so cool and dry, with its gold ring and an interesting small scar across one knuckle that she wanted to—
“Mrs. Blakeney?” he prompted.
Blinking rather dazedly, she stood.
A lady spun past, skirts a-whirl and ringlets flapping, as she whacked her sword against that of an elderly gentleman who puffed a cigar while fighting back. The foul whiff of smoke made Alice blanch with sudden nausea. Daniel held her still for a moment, his hand remaining around hers, his other reaching across her front like a shield, as though she was some fragile creature requiring his manly protection.
Outrageous!declared her brain.I am a powerful, professional woman!
Do you think if I swooned, answered her body,he’d lift me in his arms?
A gap opened up in the tumult and they hurried through, weaving between pirates, ducking blades, until they reached the corridor outside. Servants ambled past unperturbed, busy with their various duties (dusting, carrying laundry, making secret floor plans for the government). The calm soothed Alice’s nerves, but she could feel Daniel’s grasp on her hand tightening, and knew that if anyone so much as nodded a greeting to him, all hell would break loose. Now she was the one to protect and guide, practically towing him along the corridor and upstairs.
“We should search—” he began to suggest.
“We should take a quiet moment to restore our balance,” Alice countered, and strode for their bedroom before he could argue. Opening the door, they stepped inside...
Boom!
The world filled with smoke.
“I say,” Dr. Snodgrass murmured from beneath a quivering mustache. “It wasn’t my fault.”
They stood contemplating the charred wreckage of the washroom door. Daniel and Alice were composed to such a degree of tranquil perfection, Snodgrass and Veronica trembled at the sight of them. Alice was not even tapping her fingers. And if Daniel had blinked once in the past five minutes, they’d missed it. Veronica was beginning to fear exactly what it took to be a premier A.U.N.T. agent; Snodgrass, who had more experience with them, was mentally composing his last will and testament.
“I didn’t suspect you, Doctor,” Daniel said. “No doubt this was just another of the Wisteria Society’s friendly attempts to assassinate us.”
