“Over here!” called a thin-haired man with a bristling mustache, waving from where he stood beside a collection of teapots. Daniel felt his skin crawl. He disliked Cornelius Snodgrass for no better reason than instinct, which was not a good reason at all, but he could not seemto argue himself out of it. There existed no doubt, however, that the man represented the best in scientific invention. He was an acclaimed genius—or at least would have been acclaimed were he not working for a highly secret organization—and much of A.U.N.T.’s success belonged to his laboratory and the remarkable tools it developed to assist agents.
As Daniel walked behind Alice, he heard two people debating the velocity factor of a silver plate versus one made of china; a woman chanting Latin while waving a pink-feathered duster; and a trio of men clapping excitedly as a kettle boiled (and then cheering as it exploded). Something burned in a sink; the smell of it made Daniel frown.
“Good afternoon,” Snodgrass enthused as Alice and Daniel joined him. His scrawny limbs seemed to skirmish with each other as he stepped forward to offer Alice a handshake. She pretended not to see it. Blinking marsh-colored eyes, he instead began to move the hand in Daniel’s direction but, noting the stony look Daniel gave him, withdrew it hastily. “I say, Mrs. Kew told me all about your assignment. Terrifying business, what?”
“I would call marriage more aggravating than terrifying,” Alice replied coolly.
The man’s mouth wavered. “Er, I meant about the house filled with pirates.”
Alice stared at him, uncomprehending.
“Never mind.” He tossed out a trembly little laugh; no one caught it. “Jolly good stuff. Speaking of which, ha ha, I have a few gadgets here that you might find helpful.”
“Teapots?” Daniel asked repressively.
“No, these are just a few clandestine telephones that are being sent out to butlers tomorrow morning.Thiscollection is for you.”
Turning to a small table, he gestured with a flourish at its clutterof ordinary objects. Daniel and Alice regarded him in unimpressed silence.
“Er, yes, well... I say, here is just the thing for a beautiful new bride!” He presented Alice with a gold-and-enamel brooch. “Press your thumb over the rose design and you will be able to hear people’s conversation even from a distance. I call it thesuper rosadevice, ha ha.”
Alice just looked at the brooch. Snodgrass, rocking excitedly on the balls of his feet, grew abruptly impatient and took it from her, turning it over before placing it once more on her palm.
“See, this etched text is a phrase of the incantation, which we adjusted to—”
“Incantation,” Alice said.
“Why yes, you did know that we use elements of the pirates’ magical flight incantation to create our special devices?” (He paused while something exploded in the laboratory behind them;“Sorry!”a man sang out.) “Although I should not call it the pirates’ incantation, ha ha, since really Beryl Black was a scientist at heart, even if she did use magic to fly houses, what? She and her husband were undertaking a geographical survey when they shipwrecked on that island where she found the incantation. The pirates may have grabbed it for themselves, but after A.U.N.T. infiltrated their households and stole it from them, we began applying it to itstruepurpose, the noble pursuit of—”
“Yes, I know all that,” Alice said. “I meant, I do not need the incantation to help me hear distant conversations. My hearing is good; perhaps too good. For example, those two women some twenty feet behind us are talking about uses for a teaspoon that I would rather not repeat.”
“I say.” Snodgrass’s face sagged. He took back the brooch, laid it softly on the table.
Alice bit her lip with what looked to Daniel surprisingly like pity. “But if you have one of your parachute hats...”
“I do!” Snodgrass perked up as he reached into a box beneath the table and brought forth a bonnet so hideous, Daniel actually took a step back. Lined with puce velvet, wrapped by more lace than even Mrs. Kew would abide, and athwart with beads, baubles, and what appeared to be fragments of bone, it was indeed the sort of hat one tossed out a window to make it fly—only not with oneself attached to it.
“On second thought,” Alice said, “if I need to jump off a roof I will just risk the broken leg.”
This time it was Snodgrass’s shoulders that sagged. “I have something for the gentleman,” he said, trying to keep his tone chipper as he replaced the bonnet.
But Daniel already had a razor that doubled as a lighter, and a lighter than could cut through wire; and the onyx ring containing a pistol proved too large for either of their hands. When Alice removed the backing of the hairbrush/voice recorder, it caught fire, and when Daniel tried to put out the flames using a fire extinguisher disguised as a perfume bottle, they roared even higher and then the brush outright exploded. By this time so many parts of Snodgrass were sagging, he had to lean against the table to keep upright.
“I will take the umbrella, though,” Alice said.
“I say! You will?” Snodgrass drew himself upright with such excitement he practically reverberated. He handed the umbrella to Alice as if offering his sword in fealty to a queen. “The spokes all contain darts, and if you press this button—”
“Actually, I just want an umbrella because it’s raining outside.”
“Oh.” The scientist looked like he might cry.
“I’ll have that silver fob watch,” Daniel said. If Miss Dearlove could show pity, he could show iteven more. “What amazing thing does it do?”
“Er.” Snodgrass blushed as he took up the watch. “That’s mine. Ijust took it off when I was working in the sink. But you can have it if you like—”
He held out the watch, and Daniel blinked hastily. “No. No, thank you. I think we have everything we need. Shall we be going, Miss Dearlove?”
“But you didn’t take anything,” Snodgrass said as the agents turned to leave. “You’ll be facing a crowd of pirates with no more than your wits and experience.”
