He held up a staying hand. “I don’t deserve your comfort, Victoria. It is a fact that I’ve allowed our family to slide into decline. I squandered my youth and opportunities because your mother’s dowry was sizable enough to provide for us—and it would have if we’d been wiser. When the truth of our finances became apparent, the time was far spent for me to seek out a proper income or economize as we ought to have done. And now, rather than providing for my children, they feel the need to do it for me, and I am ashamed. As I ought to be.”
Stepping forward, Papa took a seat on the ottoman before her, his elbows resting on his knees.
“What apologies can be given in such a situation?” he asked, though his tone said the question did not need an answer. “What words can a father offer his child when he’d been derelict in the duty she is willing to bear?”
“There is no need, Papa.”
The older gentleman huffed. “There most certainly is, my dear. And I offer you my sincerest and deepest apologies for having placed you in this situation. And for not seeing it sooner.”
Victoria’s gaze fell to her hands clenched in her lap. “You speak of your duty, but do I not have a duty to my sisters?”
He gave that a considering nod. “Yes. And no. That is a complicated question.”
Throwing her arms wide, Victoria fell back into the chair. “Precisely! What am I to do? Either decision will cause pain and heartache. I need your guidance.”
Papa’s eyes narrowed. “You are asking me to decide the matter for you, and that is not like you, Victoria.”
Her cheeks flamed, and Victoria’s hands clenched the arms of her chair. “It is normal for parents to decide such things for their children.”
But that was met with a snort. “You’ve always been a willful, head-strong child, and I doubt either your mother’s or my opinion has ever swayed you no matter how we’ve tried.”
“It will now.”
Papa dropped his head, pinching his nose as he let out a low, halting chuckle. “I cannot tell you how many times your mother and I longed for such obedience when you were little.” Raising his head once more, he met her gaze with a sad smile. “But I cannot give you what you wish.”
Exhaustion wafted through Victoria, weighing her down until she felt liable to sink through the chair. Reaching forward, Papa took her hand, brushing a gentle thumb across the back of it.
“I fear I’ve forfeited any right to decide for you,” he murmured. “My years as your papa have shown that my judgment is greatly flawed, and I will not lead you down the wrong path. This is a decision you will have to live with for the rest of your life, and it is for you to make.”
Papa cleared his throat and took in a deep breath. “I would caution you to choose wisely. Don’t be fooled by the glittering opulence of courtship. That flighty attraction fades quickly with marriage and is easily replaced by resentment. Without a true basis of love and friendship, marriage becomes drudgery. Do not decide your future in haste—whatever it may be.”
Victoria’s heart ceased beating, spreading its emptiness through her. “Then you feel I should reject Mr. Dixon?”
His brows dropped, and he watched her through hooded eyes. “I meant what I said, young lady. I will not make this decision for you. I was merely advising you to consider your choices carefully. I married a young lady of wealth and good breeding, whom I believed to be my one true love, but a handful of dances and parlor visits is hardly enough to know someone. I quickly discovered she and I had conflicting desires for our future. We’ve made do, but it hasn’t been the blissful life I’d anticipated. But perhaps happiness in marriage is all chance.”
Papa shrugged and moved on from that musing. “If you wish it, I will do what I can to secure you a husband. Your mother and I know gentlemen searching for a bride such as you. They may not be dashing young men, but they will be good husbands. But know that if you marry Mr. Dixon, I will support that decision as well.”
“But Mama may never forgive me,” mumbled Victoria.
With a great roll of his eyes, Papa chuffed. “Your mama likes to believe herself the victim of her circumstances rather than the author of them. In you, she sees an easy solution, but it is not your responsibility to offer yourself up as a sacrifice for her folly.”
Leaning closer, Papa held Victoria’s gaze with an intensity she’d never associated with the man before. “The fact that you are so conflicted between your desires and those of your mama and sisters speaks highly of you, Victoria, but do not allow it to absorb the whole of you. Giving of yourself is noble and good, but there must be a balance between caring for others and yourself, or you will wake one day to find there is nothing left of you.”
“And how do I distinguish that balance? If I am able to sacrifice for someone else, is it not selfishness to refuse? At what point am I hurting myself in my selflessness?” Victoria’s question hung in the air between them, fading into silence as her father watched her with a gaze that was far too pitying for Victoria’s well-being.
“My dear daughter, you’ve asked one of the most profound questions anyone can ask themselves, and one that requires a lifetime of trial and error,” he said, rising to his feet. “If you discover the secret, you must share it with me.”
Leaning over, Papa pressed a kiss onto Victoria’s head and whispered, “I love you, my darling girl.”
And with that, he left her to the silence and her thoughts.
Chapter 40
The Nelsons’ barouche was a fine vehicle. Well-sprung and maintained to perfection, the carriage was all one could wish for when traveling on a sunny day, but with the open nature of the vehicle, the autumn wind slipped through Victoria’s jacket, giving her a chill. If she bothered to notice.
Eyes fixed on the landscape, Victoria counted each passing moment, wishing the coachman would push the horses faster. Surely, she would arrive in time. When the buildings grew denser, she leaned forward to see the edge of Chelmsford drawing close, and her hands twisted in her lap as they made their way through the streets to the train station.
This was foolishness. She ought to have waited. Another few hours shouldn’t have mattered, but having passed the last day in contemplation, Victoria could not stand another moment without having taken some action.
