She’s so fucking flippant with this situation, like her needs and desires aren’t the catalyst for all of this. “The bank who owns the mortgage on your house, for one. Oh, and the contractor whokeeps convincing you to get more and more expensive shit every time he calls.”
“Oh, come on! If you lose tenure, you’ll just go to another university. And we can live on our savings for a bit.”
“What savings, Momma? I have no fucking savings to live on!”
My phone starts ringing, and I glance at it to see she’s switched us to a video call. Her face appears. The red flush of anger across her cheeks makes me think about Quinn, and I fight down another wave of tears. At this rate, I’m going to flood the apartment.
“Colton Ford Miller, what do you mean you have no savings?”
“How would I have anything saved?” I ask, years of pressure coming to a head in one second, like a pressure cooker someone forgot to lift the valve on. “I’ve spent all my money on you. On getting you the house you wanted right behind downtown, instead of the more practical one a ten-minute drive out of the way. And getting you the couch that was thousands of dollars more because it was a bit plushier, and giving you the goddamn marble countertops. I have nothing. I’m living paycheck to paycheck. If I lose tenure, we’rebothscrewed.”
Momma drops into a chair, her hand coming up to her mouth. “The missed holidays where you were working…”
I sigh. “I never said I was working.”
“You let me believe you were working,” she says, her voice pitching up. “I filled in the blanks and you never corrected me.”
“You said it all the time when I was growing up. It was your turn to work hard to support us while I was in school, and I’d have my time later. Well, it’s my time now, and I’m trying my fucking hardest to support you while doing what I love, too. If that means some missed holidays, so be it.”
I slump back against the headboard. It’s exhausting, arguing with the two people I love most in this world, and I don't have any more fight left in me.
“Oh, Colton,” Momma says, her voice soft. “That wasn’t what I meant. I meant it was my job to provide for you. When I talked about your ‘turn,’ I meant you would have a turn to take care of your own family one day.”
“What about all the talk growing up about me being the next Gordon Gekko, minus the insider trading? How we’d be rich and buy a nice house that would be all ours?”
Her head drops forward. “I’m a terrible mother.”
“No, Momma, that’s not what I’m sayin?—”
“I fucked up. In my head, I thought that I was building you up. I’ve always been happy in our little corner of Appalachia. I have the mountains and a community I love. This is my home. But it always seemed like a black hole to you. This ominous presence threatening to suck you in and keep you forever, and I thought all that talk about your potential would make you believe it was possible to get out. I didn’t pause to think about how it would feel like pressure.”
“Please stop. You were the best mom. I’m so lucky to?—”
She lifts a hand to cut me off. “You don’t need to console me. I always knew I’d fuck you up somehow. It’s a mother’s prerogative, after all. And looking back at all the times I’ve asked you for money or to up the budget you gave me, I’ve been a massive screw up.
“I never wanted to be dependent on you for anything, but I saw this house and was so excited about it. And you swung it, even though it was beyond what we originally discussed. I think a part of me realized I was asking too much, but it was exciting to have disposable income for the first time in my life. I took advantage of your good heart, and that’s not fair.”
I sniff and wipe away tears from my cheek. “You’re the only reason I have a good heart. Everything I know, I learned from you. What’s a bit of skimping on my end to give you what you deserve?”
She smiles. “Baby, do you think there’s any world where I’d take this house over your happiness? I love it here, but it’s just walls. You’re my soul, living outside of my body. I’d be happier moving to a new apartment every year where you and the love of your life can visit me than in this house with you moping all over it.”
The light sheen over her eyes tells me how much she means it, and I feel lighter than I have in years. Maybe ever.
Momma sighs. “Fucking hell, I’m gonna have to cancel those marble countertops.”
I laugh, loud and free. “You really don’t have to. Not unless I lose my job.”
Her eyes go soft. “No, I need to get better about standing on my own two feet. Obviously, the support from you has helped, but I can take care of myself. Everything you’ve given me has been comfort, not necessity. Quinnisa necessity for you.”
“She is,” I say. She’s more than a necessity. She’s life itself.
“But from now on, you need to be better about telling me no. Lord knows you’ll still demand to help me, but if we’re gonna move forward, you need to be more honest with me.”
I nod. “It’s a deal.”
“So what comes next?” she asks.
I rub a hand down my face. “I don’t know.”
