I froze, falling out of rhythm, and my back bumped up against Thevan’s chest.
His fingers flexed around my hand so tight that my palm pinched into the dagger’s hilt, but I didn’t mind. I leaned the side of my head into his chin and closed my eyes. My pulse pounded hard enough that I could feel it in my fingertips, and lights exploded behind my eyelids. His breath became heavy, and I could feel his chest rise and fall behind me.
I knew I should pull away, but every part of me?—except my head?—was screaming at me to step into his arms and hear his heartbeat as he enveloped me and made my troubles melt away.
“Why can’t it just be easy?” I didn’t mean to speak the words, but I realized I had when Thevan responded.
“You’ll figure out the best path forward.” The corners of his lips skimmed against my temple, and my eyes snapped open. “I know you didn’t ever want any of this, but it suits you better than you know.”
We let go of the dagger, and I turned to face him. He looked down at me with pupils almost as big as his irises.
“Trust yourself,” he whispered as the air between us caught the sunlight and sparkled. “As I do, my rani.”
Neither of us allowed our feet to step closer, but it didn’t stop us from leaning together. I tucked an errant curl behind my ear, brushing my burning cheek, and then covered one of his hands. Our pulses thrummed together as he wove his fingers through mine and squeezed my hand tight.
Someone cleared their throat from the entry of the courtyard, and we jumped apart, leaving our hearts in the space in between us. A chill ran from my hands to my shoulders as Thevan stole his warmth away from me. I crossed my arms and rubbed them, letting my fingertips smooth the goose bumps that had formed.
Thevan squared his shoulders and cocked his chin up higher, instantly becoming the general as he bellowed, “Report!” to the soldier standing at the edge of the courtyard.
“Rani.” The young man bowed to me, then saluted Thevan. “They’re ready to depart for Banghervari.”
Before he left, Nikith clasped my hands as he vowed to protect Ullal’s interests and swore to accept nothing less than the terms I’d set forth. For the first time in a long time, my brother-in-law looked hopeful.
I waved the delegation off from my balcony and pretended not to care that the fort already felt emptier without Parushi by my side. She’d looked at me with a sliver of hope when I’d approached to say farewell, but I hadn’t changed my mind. Parushi needed to leave Ullal. For now. Thankfully, she’d seemed to understand and accepted my choice without complaint.
Truth be told, my decision seemed to bother Thevan more than anyone. After the delegation left, he barely spoke to me for ten days, except for his daily report. In the mornings, he’d usually find me while I was with Tara, getting her update in the infirmary. He’d check in with the guards he’d assigned to me, offer a curt report, and ask if I needed him to do anything further. It felt silly to tell him that I was starting to feel painfully alone again, especially when we were in front of Tara, so I’d say no and dismiss him. Then I’d move through the rest of my day without stopping until I fell into my bed.
But this morning was different.
After he finished his report, Thevan raised an eyebrow at me. “Whenever you’re done speaking with the master healer, I ask that you join me in the training fields. There’s something I want to show you.”
I tried not to sound too eager as I assured him that Tara and I had already finished speaking and we could go there now. It was hard not to smile as we stepped into the sunshine. Its warmth gave me hope, but when I tried to step nearer to Thevan, he adjusted so that he stayed farther away.
Maybe he didn’t long for the closeness we’d almost started to share again.
Thevan must have seen my frown. “Are you well, Rani?”
“Oh, um, yes, I’m fine.” I was not terribly convincing, so I tried to smile. That was not convincing either. Especially not for Thevan.
“Preoccupied with the Porcugi, no doubt.”
“Yes, there is much to consider.” The last thing I wanted to tell Thevan was that I had been up late reviewing Nikith’s figures, and my brother-in-law was right: We needed to find a way to either win this war faster or fund it better. I worried that I had gone too far with my terms for a marriage to the raja of Banghervari, but I certainly didn’t want to talk with Thevan about my possible engagement.
“Then it’s good that you can see what we’ve prepared today.”
“I look forward to it.” I peered around curiously, looking for anything different, but there was nothing unusual within sight.
We continued in parallel silence for a while, until I could stand the quiet no more.
“What’s bothering you, Thevan?” I asked.
He kept his gaze firmly forward and kept walking.
“You seem resentful I sent Parushi away,” I pressed.
“I’m just a soldier, Rani. Perhaps such matters should be discussed with someone who has all the advantages of a political mind.”
“You are notjusta soldier, and you know it,” I snapped. “If you have an opinion about Parushi, then tell me.”
