“Oh, even I heard the sarcasm that time,” said Mr. Security.
“Listen—” Nate said, leaning against the counter.
“Whoa.”
“Hey, now.”
“Please, don’t approach any closer.” The bunny, the female Mike Tyson, and Barney Fife had all lifted their hands and taken a step back.
Nate froze. “I physically can’t approach any closer. There’s a counter between us.”
Alice’s hands, still raised, shook. “I don’t appreciate the tone you’re using.”
“This is my speaking voice when I’m surrounded by loud construction.”
“There’s a heavy dose of sarcasm to the highly trained ear.” She pointed to her right ear and both other employees nodded, pointing to their right ears too.
“Can we just get back to finding my luggage?”
“As soon as you back away from the counter,” said Mr. Security.
Nate lifted his hands and took a giant step back from the counter. “I just want to know—”
“Well, now we can’t hear you.”
“You’re going to have to speak up.”
“Way too much background noise.”
Inhaling a deep breath, he planted his feet. “I just want to know how to retrieve my luggage.”
“That’s what we all want, sir,” said Vivi.
“I want it so bad,” said Alice.
“We’re all in this together,” said the security guard.
“If you’ll just be patient,” said Alice. She tapped her fingers all over the keyboard for what felt like an eternity before ending with one giant tap. “Okay.” She waved him forward with her fingers. “Step up, step up, don’t be shy. Now here’s the thing. I have good news and bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”
“Anynews.”
“We lost your luggage.” She held her breath the way a person choosing the correct wire to disassemble a bomb would. “That’s the bad news,” she added in case he couldn’t put two and two together.
At this point he didn’t know whether to step forward, step back, whisper, or shout. So in a tone that hopefully conveyed zero sarcasm or emotion or inflection and basically sounded like a robot, he asked, “What’s the good news then?”
She let out her breath and smiled. “We didn’t lose you.”
They all stared at Nate from the other side of the counter. Nate stared at them. “That’s all you’ve got?” Nate eventually said.
Alice reached forward like she was going to pat his hand, then thought better of it. “You’re more valuable than luggage, sir. I’d say it’s a lot.”
“When you think about it,” Mr. Security added, “life is all about having the right perspective. You’re here. You’re alive. What more could you want?”
“My luggage,” Nate said.
All three employees took a sharp step back. “Okay, one more outburst like that and Iwillhave security escort you off the premises,” Alice said, shaking her finger at him. “We are doing our best.”
Vivi tapped her name badge and nodded.
