“We don’t get to decidewhatwe suffer,” I say quietly. “Onlyhowwe suffer.” I spear a bit of sausage and egg. “My grandmother used to say that.”
What I don’t tell her is that I didn’t like it when she said it to me, either.
“I hope he stays strong, of course.” Winter blows out a breath and slumps a little in her chair. “But if hecouldstay strong, he would have. Years ago. If hecouldstay strong, he wouldn’t be in this position in the first place.” She shakes her head. “Does that make me sound like a monster?”
I shrug. “Wolves drink a lot. And party a lot with anything else they can get their paws on, if I’m being honest. Packs put up with a whole lot of bad behavior in the name of a good time, because that’s our due as wolves, you understand. We howl where we like, wolves forever, all that bullshit.” I make a face, but I also make it clear I’m not kidding. “But what we don’t tolerate is addiction. Strong wolves have it a lot worse.They get locked up underground and are left to waste away, down to skin and bones. They won’t die. They might wish they did. But when they make it through, they’re clean. The weak ones don’t make it that far, and some think that’s a gift.”
Winter makes a small noise. “Is Augie locked underground? He was in a vampire holding cell for who knows how long. I really don’t think—”
I reach across the table and put my hand on hers. “You didn’t choose this for him, Winter. He chose it for himself. This is whathewanted, and I’m pretty sure he had a much better idea of what he was in for than you do. That’s a good thing.”
She sighs and closes her eyes, rubbing her forehead with her free hand. “It was so nice to have him back. If only for a little while. I’m just afraid that he won’t make it back from this. And then I’ll wish the rest of my life that he stuck around, blood addicted or not.”
“You don’t mean that.” I shake my head at her when she looks at me. “That would mean he didn’t claim his life at all. That he was drawn along on the tide of his addictions forever. If he didn’t try this, he’d be nothing but an addict. Forever.”
“I know. I know that if I was a good person, a good sister, I wouldn’t think this was any kind of a gray area.”
“His addiction makes him a target,” I say, evenly. I know she knows this, but it bears repeating. “Especially now. It made him the bargaining chip that he was when Ariel used him against you. It makes him a pawn, forever, for anyone who can get him his fix. Maybe he wants to live whatever life he has left on his terms. I have to respect that.”
It takes her a moment to give me a smile, but eventually I manage it. “Thank you,” she says, and her eyes are still bright, but I don’t think they might spill over anymore. “I appreciate you updating me. I’ll try not to have too many more breakdowns.”
I wave my fork magnanimously. “Have as many breakdowns as you like,” I tell her. “If I can help you, I will.”
Winter chugs her remaining coffee and then goes over to her coffee machine to start making herself another huge mugful. “You’re the one with the scheduled breakdown, I think. Don’t you have your solstice tonight?”
“It’s notmysolstice.” I laugh. “It’s yours too. The darkest night of the year comes for us all. I wouldn’t be surprised if the vampires throw a little shindig themselves, given a long-ass night is their time to shine.”
Winter looks taken back. “Ariel did say that there was something at the MMA school tonight, now that you mention it. Is there usually a solstice party?”
“I don’t know that I would call it a party in the classic sense,” I say carefully, because I assume if it’s a vampire thing it will involve a lot of blood. I’ve made some guesses, but I don’t really know where she is in her journey from decidedly anti-vampire to taking and giving blood with one. And that’s not getting into all the rest of the creepy shit vampires can do. “Most creatures like to mark the turn of the year tonight, yes.”
She looks at me for a moment. “What a careful and completely unsatisfactory answer.”
I grin. “Hey, all I know are rumors. This might shock you, but Ariel Skinner has never invitedmeto any vampire parties. On any night of the year, much less tonight.”
Winter lifts her mug at me in a kind of toast. “I’ll be sure to let you know if you’re missing out.”
I should tell her, I think. I should let her know what Ty is going to attempt tonight and what it could mean if he succeeds.
Yet if I tell her all that, I’ll also have to tell her what will happen if he doesn’t—and that’s something I don’t particularly want to think about myself. It won’t only be Ty who is killed if he can’t fight off all challengers. It will be all his lieutenants, and their families.
It will almost certainly be me, too.
Unless the winner thinks it would make more sense to humble me instead, and force me to mate with someone else and take a silent,servile role for the rest of my life. Wolf justice is brutal. They’d kill me straight off too, but wolves don’t like to waste a fertile female.
Especially not when decades of humiliation could be dished out instead.
These are not scenarios Ty and I discussed, because we both know all the possibilities. I find I can’t bring myself to talk them out with Winter, because I don’t really want to explain it all to her. It would make those possibilities far too real.
What I do instead is hug her, hard, as I go to leave.
“Oh,” she says, clearly surprised. Her gaze narrows on me. “Are you ...? You’re fine, right?”
“Happy solstice,” I tell her, and slip out the back door.
I walk back to the den, taking a different route through the snowy forest. I’m thinking about celebrations, bloody vampire parties versus the usual werewolf bacchanals. I feel a surge of those nerves again and remind myself that I’m going to get to watch Ty fight, which always thrills me.
He fights the way he fucks.
