Blue.
A gasp shoots from my lips and my eyes pop open. It was just a dream...
Just anightmare.
I’m awake but everything’s bright. Blurry. I’m not in my dorm room. Not in bed. I’m in the past.
“Now you kneel,”Alex grunts, shoving me down until my knees hit tile.“I’ve been waiting for this all day, Hailey.”
“Alex, please... Dad could come back any minute.”
I frantically look around, my heart in my throat. Everything’s distorted but I think we’re in a kitchen, the harsh brightness in stark contrast to the darkness that shrouded the lake.
My eyes hurt. My heart ricochets off my ribs like it’s trying to break free. Light should be safe. Calm. Serene. It’s the darkness that swallows joy and amplifies fear. It’s darkness where danger waits but here, light isn’t safe. Here, light brings fear. Fear, humiliation, and resignation.
Darkness was safe.
Nash was safe.
And Alex... he feels like a threat.
“You have about ten minutes before Charlie gets home.”
“What if—”
“Get. To. Work,”he seethes.“You suck, I watch the driveway.”He grabs the counter behind me with both hands, leaning forward.“Go on, sweetheart. My balls are so fucking full it’s uncomfortable.”
My mind rebels. I’m not sure if it rebels in the past or present, but everything inside me screams. I want to shove him back. I want to run. I want to kick and scream, but I can’t.
I watch my hands rise, deftly working his belt, then zipper, and the paralyzing helplessness weighs me down like a lead blanket. I try to scream, cry, reach out, but nothing happens. The memory can’t be altered. It plays out before my eyes while I’m desperately trying to shut it off.
I’m awake, I know I am, this isn’t a dream. Why can’t I do anything? Why can’t I stop it?
I yank Alex’s jeans lower, then boxers, a musky scent invading my nose as I grasp his warm half-limp cock.
“There you go,”Alex moans.“Open your mouth.”
Bile churns in my stomach. I follow his order, or try at least, but nothing happens. The brightness dies down and I’m shrouded in darkness. Back in my dorm room, safe in the present.
I try sitting up, panic rising in my chest when I can’t move even one fucking finger... nothing works.
My body’s not responding.
A pained whimper vibrates across my vocal cords. It’s audible, ringing in the silent room like a bell. My breaths rasp faster the harder I fight against the invisible force holding me down.
Not now... not again...
The room is dark, the only light a faint line across the ceiling where the moon’s soft glow seeps through the cracked curtains. I’m safe. Far away from Alex.
I don’t feel safe, though. I feel trapped.
Every nerve in my body screams for relief but every muscle is harder than stone, seized and cramping.
More whimpers fill the room, sounds I can’t control. So distressed they only deepen my panic. The more I fight the paralysis, the heavier the weight holding me immobile. Sweat beads at my hairline. My heart gallops, bruising my ribs and it hurts so much that hot tears sting my eyes. My throat burns like I’ve been screaming for hours.
“Stay calm. Slow your breathing, Hailey.”A teaching from years ago zaps through my mind.“On the count of four, okay? Breathe in.” Dr. Seymour taps his big finger against the table four times. “Now breath out. It won’t be easy to rememberthis at night when you’re scared, but when you calm your breathing, it will help. I promise.”
I inhale sharply and hold my breath, counting the same way I did almost every night when I was a little girl.
