“Here, too,” she said, pointing to her head.
“Jesus.”
“What?”
“I’m gonna come.”He scrunched up his face, went tight all over, then pulled out of her just as his large body began to pulse.
“Cutter?”
It was a while before he could answer, and then it was a grunt from between her breasts.
“Why did you leave me?”
After another while, he raised his head.His hair was damp, flattened in spikes against his forehead.“I couldn’t put a rubber on.Not the first time.”
“I feel empty now.”
A crooked smile tugged at his mouth.“Not sore?”
“Empty.I want you back.”What she’d felt had been too beautiful to be so short.It was everything her life had been missing.She needed him more.
“In a minute,” he said and began to kiss her gently.In time the kisses grew hungry again, and she strained closer.He touched her breasts, her belly, between her legs, and with each pass of his hand she loved him more, until she felt she’d burst from it.
He left her for only a minute before entering her again, and this time there was no pulling out.The pleasure built until explosion was the only possible route back to earth.
Pam spent the weekend in Cutter’s bed.He made love to her over and over again, forcefully sometimes, tenderly at other times.Having set aside his qualms, he seemed bound to prove how much he loved her, and she didn’t complain.She surprised herself with her own hunger, which was barely sated when Sunday afternoon arrived.By that time she had told him that she was moving into the dorm, although she hadn’t said why.She didn’t want him to get angry at John, when it would only be self-destructive.More than that, she didn’t want the smallestreminder of John when she was with Cutter.Their time together was too precious.
In the weeks that followed, they saw each other several times a month, either in Cutter’s cabin or in one nameless motel or another on the outskirts of Boston.Knowing he was waiting for her, Pam didn’t mind the restrictions of dorm life.She had no interest in dating the boys at school and was content to spend her time studying.When she checked out of the dorm for weekends, she gave the name of a friend.John didn’t ask questions.
Things were more tricky over the summer, when John insisted she work in the Boston office.She had to lie directly to him.She might have felt guilty had he not been making her miserable.In his dark, silent way, he taunted her.When she was at home, he made his presence felt.Although he didn’t try to touch her again, the threat was always there.That was justification enough for her lies, she reasoned.
If her life had been dichotomous when she was a child, it was even more so now.During the week, she was a dutiful office gofer.She kept to herself when John was at home and slept only in bits and snatches, always with a plumber’s wrench close at hand.On the weekends when she was with Cutter, she was in another world.They did whatever took their fancy as long as it didn’t involve the risk of discovery.That meant staying near the cabin when Pam was in Maine and steering clear of Beacon Hill when Cutter was in Boston.Pam didn’t mind.As long as she was with Cutter, she was happy.She loved him more each time she saw him and was sure he felt the same.
So she easily lied when John pointedly asked, “Have you seen Cutter Reid?”
“No.”
“Simon saw your car taking his turn last weekend.”
“Simon’s lying.”
“I don’t want you seeing him.”
She schooled herself to indifference.“Why would I want to see him?”
“Because I don’t want you to,” John answered with a menacing look.“Stay away from him.I’m warning you.Stay away from him.”
The warning fell on deaf ears.Much as Pam loved Marcy, much as she loved the house in Maine, Pam loved Cutter more.Being with him was as vital to her as breathing.
Summer ended and she went back to school.Aside from being able to sleep at night, little changed.She studied as hard as she could and lived for the weekends with Cutter.
Then, on the day after Thanksgiving, Tommy Willow, Marcy’s seventeen-year-old half-brother, bludgeoned his father to death with the handle of a rusty water pump.It was a crime of passion, but a willful one, prompted by one too many instances of violence on Jarvis’s part—and it gave Pam an excuse to go north.
A week later, Marcy came to see her at the dorm, looking as though she’d been through hell.“He knows,” she whispered as soon as the door to Pam’s room was closed.
Pam had assumed that Marcy’s anguish had to do with Tom’s predicament.“Who knows?”
“John.He knows you been seeing Cutter.”She coveredher face and started to cry.“He asked me straight out, and I told him, Pammy.Didn’t know what else to do.He said that if I didn’t tell the truth, he wouldn’t help Tom.He’s payin’ for the lawyer.We could never do it ourselves, and without it Tom goes to prison.He’s a good boy, but he’s never had much of a chance, and if he’s sent away, it would kill Ma.So when John asked, I told him that you been seeing Cutter.”She wept softly.“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
