“Don’t Bren.Don’t say it like that.You’re not dying on me today or tomorrow or next week.The doctor said that even without treatment, you could have years.”
“The doctor doesn’t know.None of them do.There’s no set pattern to the illness.Every case is different.It may be that I have years.The question is what the quality of those years will be.I could go downhill pretty fast.”
He seemed calm.She felt near panic.“How can you accept that?”
“I’ve had years to accept it.”
“You should have shared the worry.”
“I couldn’t.”
“You should have gone to the doctor sooner.”
“I was tired of tests.I was tired of thinking of tests.At some point—soon after Ariana’s birth—I made a conscious decision that I wanted to enjoy you and her without the specter of illness.I had already accepted that it would probably get me one day.”
“But when you began to feel tired—”
“I didn’t want to know.I figured I either had it or I didn’t.I knew that if there was a recurrence, the odds weren’t good.So I decided to ignore it and go on with my life.And I’m not sorry.I’d make the same decision again.You’ve brought me so much happiness.”There was a split second’s hesitation.“Both of you.”
Pam saw it again in his eyes, the knowledge that Ariana wasn’t his.This time, she couldn’t ignore it.“Do you hate me?”she whispered.
“Hate you?I love you.”
“But I … she …”
“From the start I guessed there was someone else.You didn’t love me back then.”
“I love you now.”
“I know that.You’ve been a very good wife to me.”
Pam wanted to cry.“But I betrayed you.”
“You’ve given me eight wonderful years and a beautiful daughter.I never had a daughter.”
“But she isn’t—”
“Mine?Biologically true, but that’s all.I love her like my own.She lovesmelike my own.Is that any different from what people feel who adopt babies?”
Pam started to cry.She wished he’d get angry, yell, call her names.She deserved all of that for having deceived him so.“How can you be so forgiving?”
“How can you?”he returned, for the first time growing upset.“I couldn’t have children.I knew that before I married you.You were young.You wanted children.You never used birth control.You kept thinking you might conceive, and all the time I knew there wasn’t a chance of it happening.Still I didn’t tell you the truth.Even after I felt you loved me, I didn’t tell you.”He glowered at the sheets.“Sure, I can say that I was afraid you’d leave me, but that wasn’t my main worry.My main worry was that you’d think me less of a man if you knew.”He couldn’t quite look at her.“Vanity.Pride.Male egotism.Whatever, I didn’t tell you the truth.”
He did look at her then.“I was thrilled when you got pregnant.Really thrilled.Oh, I knew that I hadn’t fathered the baby, but no one else knew it.Chemotherapy may cause sterility, but there are rare exceptions.”
For a split second, Pam’s eyes widened.
But he rushed on.“I wasn’t one.I had myself tested when I thought of asking you to marry me.It was conclusive.”
He took a breath that seemed to echo in his lungs, reminding Pam how ill he was.“You shouldn’t be talking so much.You should rest.”
But once started, he wouldn’t.“See?You’re concerned about me.And that’s what I’m trying to say.How can I be angry at you when you care so much?When you give so much?”
“I was wrong.”
“So was I, so we’ve canceled each other out.And there is something to that, Pam.When we learned you were pregnant, I was actually relieved.Right from the first, you were excited, and it was clear that you had no intention of leaving me to be with the baby’s father.So I was excited that you were excited, and I was excited for myself, because I love you and I love children.I figured that if you were giving me this chance to be a father again, I wasn’t going to throw it back in your face.How could I do that, when I’d been dishonest about something so important?I didn’t tell you that I might not live to see you hit middle age.I knew I’d be leaving you well-to-do if I died, and that was something.”
Seeming to run out of strength, he grew quiet.After a minute, he lifted her hand and lightly rapped it againsthis chest.After several more minutes, he murmured, “Are we even?”
