“How could he have done that to her?”Cutter exclaimed, then said, “Forget I asked that.It was fully in character.What I don’t understand is you.How can you keep seeing a man like that?”
Her voice chilled.“Off limits, Cutter.I tell you what I know about Pam.I even tell you a little about John.But don’t criticize me.We all have our quirks.John’s mine.Pam’s yours.”
“Pam isn’t a quirk.She isn’t evil or cruel.Loving her is as easy as breathing.”
“Aseasy?My God, if breathing hurt me as much as loving Pam hurts you, I’d be tempted to turn in my lungs.And you keep going back for more.Fourteen years is a long time.What you feel for her has to be an obsession by now.”
“Maybe,” Cutter admitted, then his resolve hardened.“But I’ll have her someday.”
“She’s married.You’d better accept that.”
“For now.But someday I’ll have her.Someday I’ll have it all.You watch, Hillary.I’ll do it.”
That thought, more than any other, kept him going over the months that followed.Leaving Jondier was a good move.By minimizing his work hours and maximizing his income, he was able to deepen his involvement inbusiness.That was his future.Modeling had always been, and still was, simply the means to an end.
Working with the diamond industry opened more doors.He met new people, made new contacts.With some of the top businessmen in the country as his teachers, he took an increasingly active role in his own affairs, and, in so doing, earned their respect.More and more, he was viewed as a professionally shrewd and socially savvy man.
Inevitably, his path crossed Pam’s.Although they approached it from different angles, they were in the same field, and when he wasn’t modeling he was doing business.They came to know many of the same people.Their stomping grounds overlapped.
The first time they saw each other was in September in San Francisco.Pam had been married for ten months.Cutter hadn’t seen her since the day she had run out of his apartment, and although his initial anger had faded, he was a long way from forgiving her for what she’d done.Then, suddenly, she was there across the room, looking more stunning than ever.
Seeing her was like taking a physical blow.Once he recovered his breath, he felt raw, hurt, and lonely.Mostly, though, he felt hungry.He couldn’t look at her enough.She fed his mind and his senses, bringing him alive in ways he hadn’t been for ten and a half months.
Then she saw him, and right before his eyes she suffered the same shock as he had, the same rawness, the same loneliness, the same hunger.Unable to deal with it, he turned and left in a fit of fury.She was married; she had no right to look at him that way.But he couldn’t forgetthat she had, which was why, when he saw her at a restaurant in Gstaad the following February, rather than turn away, he excused himself from his friends and approached her table.
“Pam.”He tipped his head in greeting.His heart was thudding wildly, but professional training and the heavy knit sweater he wore hid it.“How are you?”
She was paler than she had been moments before.“Fine.And you?”
He nodded his answer.“Are you here skiing?”
“Uh, no.On business.”She held his gaze several seconds longer before introducing the four others she was with.Her husband wasn’t among them, but Cutter already knew that.He had seen a picture of Pam and Brendan after the wedding and in his mind carried a vivid image of the man.
Pam’s eyes were on him again well before the introductions were finished.“How about you?”she asked as soon as she could.Pale pink color had crept in her cheeks.“Business or pleasure?”
“A little of each.It’s a great place.”But he didn’t spare even the briefest glance around.No ski resort could hold a candle to Pam’s face.It was a rare sight, too good to waste for even a second.“This is my first time here.”
She nodded and gave a quick once-over to his clothing, but her eyes were drawn right back to his.“You’ve been skiing.”When he confirmed it with a nod, she said, “I’ll bet you’re good.”
He shrugged.
“You were always so physically, uh, so coordinated.”
He was having trouble remaining nonchalant.Pam’seyes were rapt with a curiosity that fell just short of longing.It didn’t matter that the feelings were forbidden.They reflected everything he felt himself and did nothing to quell his urge to touch her.
For a minute, neither of them spoke.Finally, quietly, he said, “I always tried.”Raising his head, he tossed a farewell to her friends.To her, with a lingering look, he said, “Take care.”
He returned to his own friends, but he kept glancing across the room.Several times he caught her looking back; each time she averted her gaze.He wasn’t sure whether she didn’t want him to know she was looking, or whether she simply found the meeting of their eyes too painful.If it was the latter, he knew what she was feeling.Just looking at her reminded him of all he should have had, but didn’t.It heightened his determination in ways that might have frightened her if she’d known.
In October, when he saw her at a party at a private country club, on the outskirts of Atlanta, he held back.She was with Brendan, and even he had to admit that they made a handsome pair.Silver-haired and trim of build, Brendan was a pleasant-looking man who took an elegance from her.In return, he gave her support in the form of a look, a touch, a smile.Cutter suffered through those until Pam spotted him, when the suffering grew even more intense.After a time, Brendan moved her on through the crowd.Cutter moved in the opposite direction, but the suffering went on.
Needing a break, he wandered onto the veranda.She found him there.“Cutter?”
He looked down at his polished shoes.
She came close and softly repeated his name.
Eyes still low, he said, “Go back inside, Pam.”
