I hesitate for a second. “Yep.” I clear my throat. “Yeah.”
“Did they at least fucking deserve it?” she seethes.
“Yeah. This one did.” This time.
“So why do you look like hell if you’re not guilty?”
Guilt? Is that what I’m feeling right now? I don’t fucking feel guilty for killing a woman who takes advantage of little boys. No. I don’t feel guilty. “It’s not that at all.”
She tosses a pillow at me, and it hits me directly in the face. I hiss at her.
“Tell me what has you all worked up, Ryven, or get the fuck out. I’m not your emotional support animal.”
I chuckle. “I’m not into bestiality, sweetheart. If you were, you would be safe from my cock.” I make a show of grabbing myself.
She rolls her eyes. “Spill it already. I’m serious.”
I groan. “Fine.” I sit up and rest my back against her headboard. “I just don’t understand the point of anything right now, Ro. The rituals. The sacrifices. The fear.”
“What the hell’s the point of any of this?”
I’ve always questioned it, but lately it won’t stop. Am I actually good enough to succeed in taking the cult out from the inside? Has everything I have been through been worth it? I question myself more and more every day, and I don’t know how to handle that.
I don’t usually spill these types of feelings to Rory because she wouldn’t understand. She sees a monster. Maybe she’s right—but I’m hers. Always have been. Maybe if I let her inside my head more often, her thoughts about me would change.
She shrugs. “You’re the one working for the cult and their council. Shouldn’t you be the one to answer that question?”
I rest my head against the board. “You would think so. But when you spend your life trying to avenge someone you once loved and lose everything you once held dear, it’s hard to remember what you’re actually fighting for.”
“You are one to talk about revenge and someone you love.” I feel the bed rise as she stands. “You don’t get to say that. You can fucking leave now.” Her hands ball into fists at her sides.
I open my eyes to fix her with my gaze, but I don’t move.
“I’m serious, Ry. Get the fuck out of my house.” She stomps to the door and yanks it open.
I swing the sheet off my body and begin pulling on my pants. “You always know everything, huh, Ro?” I mutter. I spill my heart, and she shoves it right back down my throat. I don’t know how to win with her. I’m not even sure there is a way to. I just want her to understand.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
I look up from being bent over and shrug. “What’s the point in talking? You don’t believe me anyway.” I slip on my boots and walk toward her. When I step through her door, she grabs me by the back of my shirt.
“Tell me what that’s supposed to mean.” Her tone is less aggressive now.
All of my fight has left me. I’m tired of fighting the same thing with her at every turn. When is she going to see that I’m not this terrible person?
I let out a long sigh. Then I step toward her slowly, like she might pull away if I move too fast, and draw her in for a hug. “Sweet, Ro. You have to hate someone for your brother’s death, and I understand that. Hell, I hate myself some days. That’s why I let you. Because it’s easier on you. It helps you move on from the terrible past we share. But you don’t know what truly happened.” I cup her cheek and force her to look at me. “One day, Ro… you’ll see. I loved your brother like he was mine. And I still—” My voice catches. “I still love you.”
My voice breaks. “And I never stopped.”
I press my lips to her forehead, turn, and leave her house.
There is no point in explaining more. She will either understand, or she won’t.
And for the first time… it feels like I’ve already lost her.
Chapter 14
Rory
