Prologue
Rory
Ryven’s arm is heavy across my waist, his chest warm against my back, and his breath is steady at the nape of my neck.
For a moment, I let myself pretend this is all there is. Nothing looming over us. No choices we have to make. Just this moment. I pretend that we are safe and nothing is waiting to take him from me.
I trace lazy patterns over his forearm, following the lines of muscle like I can commit them to my brain forever. Maybe if I focus hard enough I’ll always feel his arm wrapped around me and this transition won’t be so hard.
I want to remember this version of him. The soft, calm, loving version that holds me when I’m feeling lonely. But I know with time he will change. The Order of Ash will rip this version of him apart and make him a new one that fits their standards.
My chest tightens at the thought of him not being here with me. I shouldn’t be thinking about it yet. I shouldn’t be mourning a man who is still wrapped around me, but I can’t help it. I already know what is to come.
“Ryven…” I whisper.
He hums softly behind me, not fully asleep. He never really sleeps anymore. None of us do—not like we used to.
“What?” he murmurs.
I hesitate. I don’t want to ruin the moment. I don’t want him to stress about what’s to come like I am. Because if I say it out loud, it makes it real.
“They’re really going to make you choose tomorrow.”
His arm tightens slightly around me. “Yeah.”
That’s it. That’s all I get is a yeah. Like it’s just a choice. A choice he already made long ago and now the day has come. Like it’s not going to change everything we ever dreamed of.
I let out a breath and roll onto my back to stare at the cracked ceiling above me. The ceiling fan twirls in a low circle, wafting the smell of old clothes from the corner.
He isn’t the only one who’s acting like tomorrow is a normal day. Everyone is. Like it’s just another step in this life we live. We graduate. We choose our life faction. Then we disappear into whatever that choice changes us into.
The worst part is—Ryven could choose a less dangerous faction. He could go into infrastructure. Hell, he could go into production line work and help build new items for the district. But no… him and my brother Joey have already chosen. They know exactly what they want to do tomorrow and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
I roll to face him and frown. “Why do you have to choose the Order of Ash?”
He sighs, running his fingers along my hip. “You know why, Rory. I can’t leave him.”
I close my eyes remembering my brother’s words.“It won't be that bad, Ro. Just think of how badass we will be when we come home.”
But it’s not that simple. You don’t just join and then get to leave. Once you’re part of their system, they never let you out. And Ryven is willing to sacrifice his life to follow my brother–his best friend into the choice that will change them forever.
My brother has always searched for a purpose in life after our parents died. He wanted to be the best of the best. Follow in our father’s footsteps. But I saw what the order took from my father over the years. The dark bags under my mother’s eyes from all the worry she did. The way our family shrank to fit under the cult’s thumb.
That’s not a life that I want to live and now that choice is being forced on me anyway. Because I can’t live without Ryven. I don’t want to have to choose between them. And at the end of the day he isn’t doing it for the glory, he’s doing it for Joey.
Ryven’s hand slides up my side, fingers pressing into my skin like he’s grounding himself.
“I hate this,” I whisper.
“I know you do. But I’ll still be me, Ro. We will still be the same two people.”
I shake my head. “No we won’t. You can’t promise that. The order is going to chew you up and spit you out into something else. How will you even know if you will still love me after it all?”
Ryven’s jaw tightens as he rolls me onto my back and sets himself between my legs. “How could you ask me a question like that?” he nips at my chin before placing a chaste kiss on my lips. “No matter what happens to me. No matter what I see. No matter anything… I will always want you.”
I fist the sheets to the side of me and arch my back to press against him. “And what if I don’t want you after everything?”
His eyes darken briefly before he moves my panties to the side and presses the head of his cock to my skin. “Then I’ll remind you.”
