Prologue
Blake
Some people say that you are not in an abusive relationship until your spouse lays their hands on your body. I feel like I would rather have my ass beat every day than have to deal with the emotional trauma Craig’s words do to me daily. I have tried talking to him about it. I told him his words cut like knives and that I was in a really dark place.
He told me I was being silly and that I should be grateful he didn’t beat me. Mid-argument, I laughed at that comment. It made him even more upset, but I just couldn’t understand why the hell I should be grateful that he screamed at me and called me names.
The worst part about all of this is that he wasn’t always this person. Sure, when we started, we had our ups and downs and made mistakes. But no one is perfect. He was a bad boy, checking off every box I had. He was tall and handsome, with dark hair and blue eyes. The second I laid my eyes on him, I knew I would do everything in my power to make him mine.
Looking back now, I realize that he was a walking red flag. Unfortunately for my self-preservation, my favorite color is red. I have always thought I could change him. Show him that all he needed was to be loved and cherished, and the problems from his childhood would go away. Little did I know…
“Why is there no fucking dinner again tonight, Blake?” Craig's voice comes from downstairs, and I quickly shut my diary and hide it under my bed.
I check the clock on the wall.Shit. The time got away from me.I was supposed to put the chicken in the oven an hour ago.I hurry down the stairs, and immediately, the hairs on my arms stand at attention as Craig stares me down.
His face turns into a scowl as he says, “You know I like to come home to dinner. You are home all day, and you do nothing. Is it really that hard to have the house cleaned and the food ready?” He motions toward the mess that Charlie left on the floor by the couch. I cringe. I cleaned up this entire bottom floor of the house earlier this morning. But I can’t very well be mad at a five-year-old for playing with her toys. “Why are you so goddamn worthless?”
Worthless?I am worthless because I didn’t have dinner ready? No, no, no, I can’t be worthless in his eyes. I have to make this right, or he might abandon me like my father did. I wasn’t good enough for him either. I have to be perfect.“I’m sorry.” I quickly begin picking up her toys and placing them in her toy bin.
Craig huffs and takes off his tie. He doesn’t say anything else, but I can tell he is disappointed in me. His silence might be worse than his yelling.
I have lived my entire life as a people pleaser—a person everyone can count on. I can’t stand it when someone doesn’t like me, even if I don’t know the person. It hurts even more when Craig does it to me, though.
He has always been my best friend. Hell, my only friend, actually. And when I disappoint him, I can feel his mood shift throughout the house. It’s almost like it is suffocating me. My mother always used to tell me I cared so much what others thought of me because I was an empath. I personally just think it is a character flaw of mine.
Once the living room is clean again, I rush to the kitchen to put the pan of chicken in the oven. Now we have to wait an hour for the meal to be done, which means he will be even angrier. Charlie comes barreling down the stairs, excited to see herfather, and yells for him. “Daddy!” She rushes over to where he sits on the couch and embraces him. I expect him, in his grumpy mood, to yell at her or be upset with her, too. But he surprises me when he wraps his arms around her and starts to tickle her. I let out a breath that I’ve been holding, anticipating the worst outcome, and go back to the kitchen to start on the dishes I’ve neglected too.
Three Months Later
Blake
“I don’t think I love you anymore, Blake.”
Panic swells in my belly as I listen to the words come from Craig's mouth. He can’t be serious, not after all the years and all that I have sacrificed for this marriage. He has taken so much from me, and now he wants to abandon me and our child?
“You don’t mean that,” I whisper, my heart sinking.
He nods. “I’ve tried for years now to find my way back to you and what we once had, but I just don’t think it’s there anymore.” He gives me a wistful smile and holds out his hand for me to grab it. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore, Blake. I can see the man that I have become. You deserve better than me.” I know his tone is almost condescending, but that means he feels bad. He feels sorry that this is happening and that I’m upset.
My heart hurts. He is showing me the old Craig—the Craig that I fell in love with all those years ago. I shake my head as the tears begin to fall. I have never felt good enough. I don't wantbetter, I justwant the old him back. “After everything we have been through.” I swipe some tears away. “Are you really going to abandon me?”
I have been with him for more than half my life. I basically grew up with him, and now he wants to leave me on my own. How did I become this woman who is dependent on a man so much that she can’t bear the thought of living a life without him?
It feeIs like someone is tearing me apart layer by layer. How am I going to do this?
He pats the top of my hand. “You will always have me, Blake. I will always be here for you.”
I bite my lip. “Did I do something wrong? Am I no longer good enough?”
“No, no. It is just me, Blake. I just want to be free. I want to live my life and be happy.”
His words pierce me like knives, and I put my head in my lap. “But I thought me and Charlie made you happy.”
“Of course Charlie makes me happy. I would never abandonher.” Her… the way he spits our daughter's name like venom at me. I don’t understand how he went from me always having him to this.
I don’t miss how he says Charlie makes him happy but leaves me out of the equation. As usual, it makes me feel so fuckingworthless. I should be used to it by now with the constant push and pull of our relationship. One second he is giving me praise and treating me like a queen and the next I am worse than the shit on the bottom of his shoe. This is how he keeps me hanging on, but even knowing that, I can’t seem to let go. I pull my hand from his. “So itisme. I am the problem.” Of course I am the problem again, no matter what I say I am wrong. His words make my anxiety spike and my overthinking brain race. Nothing I ever do is good enough for anyone around me. I am a constant fuck up or at least that is what Craig constantly reminds me. Maybe if I wasn’t around anymore, the people I love would be better off.
I get off the couch and beeline for the back door for some space. My chest tightens to an unimaginable pain. My heart pounds in my chest and it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest.Am I having a heart attack?I wait for the fallout, but it never comes.
