His response was so quick and natural that it almost seemed like he knew I was going to ask that at some point during the night, and part of me was expecting it too. "Why do you think I deserved more than what you once gave me?"
"Because I took a lot of things for granted the first time, believing you'd always be there no matter what. But now I know that no matter how much love there is in a relationship, people can walk away. And sometimes they should, when the other person isn't giving them what they need."
His honesty was disarming. I'd expected deflection, maybe some romantic gesture to avoid the deeper conversation. Instead, he was laying his regrets bare.
I know I should change the subject, that I should find a way to not ruin the night with promises we knew we couldn't keep, but part of me was eager to know why, despite all the things I've done to push him out of my life, he was still here trying. "And why do you think things would be different this time?"
"Because this time I wouldn't let you leave without giving my best."
I remained quiet, processing his words. Part of me wanted to believe him, wanted to think that people could really change, that second chances weren't just fairy tales that we told ourselves to feel better about our mistakes.
But another part of me, the one that has been hurt andabandoned, whispered warnings I couldn’t ignore. "I don't know what you want me to say."
"I don't need a response right now, Lily. Just give me a chance to prove it to you."
"How?"
"By not pushing me away. If there is a little chance that you still love me, let me be yours."
I wanted to tell him yes. That I wanted it too, these weeks with him had awakened something inside me again that I’d thought was dead. And no matter how hard I tried to suppress it, to convince myself it was just nostalgia or proximity or the surreal nature of our situation, the feeling kept growing. And it felt so good to feel loved.
But I was terrified, no longer because I thought he would harm me, but because I didn't know if he was feeling all this because he had a version of me in his head that no longer existed.
"Do you know what I think about your feelings?" I said, trying to keep my voice as calm as possible, but no matter how much I tried, I sounded sad.
He looked at me, amused. “Go ahead, enlighten me.”
"You're missing a version of me that no longer exists. You see my face now, and you think I'm the same Lily you loved, but that person is gone. You can't expect to leave for ten years and come back to pick up everything where you left it. You moved on, and the rest of the world did too. I think you're confused, and you don't love me anymore, you're just trapped here with me and..."
And I just couldn't let him come back into my life only to leave again when he realized I wasn't the Lily he'd fallen in love with. I couldn't bear to lose him a second time because of my actions.
He took my hand, and I let him. His fingers slipped between mine, holding on like he wanted me toknow he wouldn’t let go, even if I told him it was a bad idea to fall for me.
"Why is it so hard to believe that I never forgot about you? Why do you think I can't be capable of loving every version of you?"
"Because people don't work that way. People change and grow apart, and?—"
"Lily, what I loved about you wasn't just one part of you; it was the whole you. The sunshine Lily, the stressed Lily, the indecisive Lily."
He paused, his thumb tracing patterns on my palm that were making it very hard to concentrate on being afraid. "Seeing you again at the office made me realize something," he continued. "The Lily who exists now is someone I want to know too. Because she's still you, you might have new scars, new walls, new ways of protecting yourself. But underneath all that, you're still the person I fell in love with. Still the person worth fighting for."
"And what if you don't like her? What if you get to know this version of me and you realize she's too damaged, too closed off, too different from what you remember?"
Because that possibility was there, and there was too much chance that he would get to know me and realize that I'm not the person he thought I was. Sometimes we cling to a memory just because we want to feel the same way we once felt, without realizing that certain moments only happen once in a lifetime.
But he was so sure of himself that it made me doubt.Was it really possible that there was an alternative ending where I could be happy?
"That's not possible," he said with such certainty that it made my chest ache. "Because it doesn't matter what things you change about yourself, Lily. At the end of the day, it will always be you. And I've never stopped wanting you."
And that was the problem. That I was me. And I didn't feel like I deserved to be loved the way he did. I didn't know what to say to that. Didn't know how to respond to someone looking at me like I hung the moon, like all my broken pieces were just part of what made me beautiful. "We're in such a difficult situation right now that I can't believe I could ever be happy again."
"I know words won't change your mind, so I'll find a way to prove it to you with actions," was all he said.
We remained silent for a moment as he squeezed my hand, letting me feel his presence, solid and real, on the other side of the table. Then he stood up and extended his hand, smiling gently.
"What?" I said, looking up at him.
"I owe you a dance, right? This is the perfect song to redeem myself."
