"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Looking for—" I found what I needed and pulled it out triumphantly. "Here. Eat this."
She stared at the gummy bear package in my hand without taking it, then at me, her brow furrowing. "Why do you have this in your bag?"
"Because I put it there this morning," I said, unwrapping it and putting some of the gummies into her hands. "I remember they used to calm you when you had anxiety attacks like this one, and I wanted to be prepared in case you needed it."
"You remember that?" she whispered.
How could I not? I remembered everything about her. Every tiny detail that made her who she was. The memories had haunted me for ten years, surfacing at the most inconvenient times, like when I smelled her perfume on a stranger, when I saw someone with blonde hair pulled back the way she used to wear it, when I ate Chinese food and remembered how she always stole the fortune cookies before I could read them.
"When it comes to you, Lily, I can remember every little detail," I said quietly, and I meant every syllable. "How you take your coffee with so much creamer, it's basically dessert. How you organize your books by color instead of alphabetically, because you say looking at them makes you happy, and how you hum without realizing it when you're concentrating on something. How those gummies help when you're spiraling."
I reached up slowly, telegraphing my movement so she could pull away if she wanted, and brushed a strand of hair from her face. My hand lingered against her cheek, and I was relieved when she didn't flinch away.
"I remember that you're terrified of thunderstorms, but you'd never admit it to anyone that you twist your hair around your finger when you're nervous. That you laugh at your own jokes before you even finish telling them." I held her gaze,willing her to understand how much she still meant to me. "I remember all of it, Lily—every single detail. I spent ten years trying to forget, and I couldn't. I didn't want to."
She was staring at me like I'd just revealed I could fly, like she couldn't quite believe what she was hearing. And maybe she couldn't. Maybe she'd spent so long thinking I didn't care, didn't pay attention, that the idea that I never stopped thinking about her seemed impossible.
"Eat some," I said gently, nodding toward the gummies. "And then tell me what's really going on."
She did, mechanically chewing while her breathing started to slow. The anxiety was still there in her eyes, but it was no longer consuming her entirely. The sweets were working, just like they always had.
After a few moments of silence, she finally spoke. "I don't know what to do about medicine."
I waited until she was ready to continue. "Being here, working at the hospital again..." She took a shaky breath. "Made me remember why I wanted to be a doctor in the first place. I loved it, Kyle. This was my dream. And now I'm back here, and I'm feeling it again. That pull, that excitement about helping people, about understanding how the body works, about being part of saving lives."
Her voice broke slightly, and I had to resist the urge to pull her into my arms. She needed to get this out first.
"But it's impossible to dream about this career path," she continued. "What if I change everything? What if we go back and I'm a doctor but I don't remember any of what I studied, I would not have any career, and I would be lost, or what if we go back and we didn't change anything and I have to stay in a career I hate and be miserable for the rest of my life, or?—"
"Lily, stop," I said firmly but gently, unable to stay silent any longer. "You can't live your life afraid of making choices."
"But what if?—"
"Listen to me." I took her hands in mine, feeling how cold they were despite the warmth of the room. I needed her to hear this, to really understand it. "Even if we go back to our present?—"
If we ever go back,my mind whispered, but I pushed the thought away because that was a fear I wasn't ready to examine. "—even if you're still an accountant there, you can start over. You know what's worse than being a student again at twenty-eight?"
She shook her head.
"Being miserable in a job you hate for the next forty years of your life. Waking up every day knowing you gave up on your dream because you were afraid. That kind of regret... it eats you alive from the inside, Lily. Trust me, I know."Not because I dislike my career, but because of everything I'm going through with my family and friends right now.
"If this is what you want, if medicine is your dream, then pursue it," I said with conviction. "Here, in the future, whenever. I'll support you. I'll take extra shifts, get a better-paying job, work double hours, whatever it takes, so that you can focus on your studies. You don't have to sacrifice your happiness for some hypothetical future that might not even exist."
"You'd do that?" She was looking at me like I'd offered her the moon. "Even though we're not... even though we're not together?"
This question was a reality check that I didn't expect to answer right now. Because none of us was ready for the truth that was screaming inside me. I wanted us to be together. I wanted it so badly that it was becoming physically painful to hide it.
Every time I saw her, every time she smiled, every time she let me close enough to see the real her made me want her more. Made me remember what we'd had, mourn what we'dlost, and hope desperately that we might find our way back to each other.
But I couldn't tell her that. Not yet. Not when she was already drowning in stress and panic and the weight of trying to save everyone she loved. Adding my feelings to that burden would be selfish.
"Of course I would," I said instead, and I meant it with every fiber of my being. "You're important to me, Lily. You always have been."
You're everything to me,I thought, but didn't say.You're the reason I came back. You're the reason I'm trying so hard to fix everything. Not just for Leo or your family, but because I can't stand to see you in pain.
She studied my face for a long moment, like she was trying to figure out if I was lying or if there was some hidden agenda beneath my words. Finally, she asked, "Why are you so sure you'll be back in my life once this is over?"
