"I lost things too, I was hurt too." His voice rose slightly. "My best friend died, I lost the one I thought was the love of my life, my family fell apart, and my life was never the same again, so please stop feeling like you're the only one suffering because you're not."
I felt hurt by his words, mainly because his pain was hisown fault. How dare he compare his losses to mine? To Leo's? He made his choice in that courtroom. Circumstances beyond my control ruined my life. I never had the power to make any decisions, but Kyle's life is the result of all the decisions he and his friends made in the past.
"You chose your losses. Every single one of them was a consequence of a choice you made." I stood up abruptly and started gathering my things. I needed to get out of here before I said something I'd regret. "I have to go."
But as I tried to move past him toward the door, he caught my arm. Not roughly, but firmly enough to stop me. "No, Lily. We can't keep doing this. It's time you stop escaping your problems. People shouldn't run away when things get difficult. They should face them."
The accusation stung because a part of me knew it was true. I'd been running from this conversation since the moment we went back in time. Running from the feelings that resurfaced every time I looked at him. Running from the hope that maybe, just maybe, we could be reunited. "You want to talk about running away? You ran all the way to Australia. I stayed and faced the consequences of what happened every single day."
"You're right," he said, surprising me. I'd expected defensiveness, excuses, anything but this raw honesty. "I did run. But staying doesn't always mean facing things, Lily. Sometimes it just means building walls around yourself and calling it strength."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying that maybe we both got it wrong the first time. Maybe running and hiding are just different ways of being afraid." He released my arm but didn't step back. "And maybe if we're going to fix what happened to our families, we need to start by figuring out how to stop being afraid of each other."
I wanted to argue, to maintain my carefully constructeddefenses. But his honesty disarmed me in a way his anger never could because he was right. I was afraid of him. Afraid of trusting him again. Afraid of what it would mean if I let him back in. Afraid of losing him all over again if things went wrong.
"I don't know how to not be afraid of you."
"I don't know either," Kyle responded. "But maybe that's where we start."
CHAPTER 19
Kyle
There wassomething about being in this young body that made me feel like a teenager again: impulsive, emotional, and desperate to be understood. And I didn't like it because Lily had started to feel like my priority again, just like ten years ago. Having her so close again made me feel all the emotions I once thought were dead.
No matter how hard I've tried to keep my distance from Lily these past two weeks, nothing has worked to make me stop thinking about her.
I couldn't think about anything but her. How to make her calmer, happier, how to make things back to the way they were before everything went wrong. I wanted her to smile at me the way she used to. I wanted her to have dreams and goals again with me. I wanted her by my side, trying to build something together. I wanted us back, even if it meant changing the whole future just for another chance.
Most people would have called me crazy. How could I still think about someone I had not seen in ages? But love did not simply disappear with time, or at least not real love. We either learned to live with the absence of someone, or we met othersand realized we had not loved the first person enough, and so we healed.
And I’ve been fooling myself all these days into thinking I’m over her. I’m not. Not even close. And every time I’m near her, it just proves what I already know—that I’ll probably never be able to let her go.
But she seemed to be thinking precisely the opposite. Talking to Lily felt like talking to a wall. She refused to open up, and I hadn't realized until now how much my choices had affected the Lily she was now: closed off, cold, and distrustful. I remembered a cheerful girl, talkative, eager to take on the world at large. This one was more reserved, quiet, and unwilling to stand out too much.
How much of this change was my fault? How much had my testimony against Leo shaped the woman she'd become?
The way she'd closed herself off, built walls around her heart, and stopped trusting anyone, that part of her personality was definitely my fault. I'd been the one person she thought she could count on, and I'd betrayed that trust in the worst possible way.
I hadn't felt this uncertain since college, and I hated it.
But I couldn't change the past. Well, technically, that's exactly what we were trying to do, but I couldn't change what had already happened between us. All I could do was try to be better this time around. To be the person she needed now, not the terrified teenager who'd made all the wrong choices.
"I went for a run this weekend even though I had my arm in a sling. It was something I hadn't done in a long time, but I still love it." I told her.
"Why are you telling me this?"
"You said the person I miss doesn't exist. I want to show you that we're the same, and that even though many things have changed, we have the same essence inside us."
"I do drink my coffee the way you made it at the office,but I didn't want to admit you were right." She confessed, making me laugh out loud.
"Don't push me away again," I whispered, taking a step to her close enough that I could feel the warmth radiating from her skin. I lowered my gaze to her mouth for a moment, then raised it back to her eyes. "I'm just trying to make things right this time."
"I know, but..." she said, her eyes darting to the floor, the wall, anywhere but at me. The confident Lily I'd known would have met my gaze head-on, challenge in her eyes. This Lily couldn't even look at me. "Now doesn't feel like the time to think about me. Some people need me. And I don't need anyone right now. I know what I have to do."
I started understanding all the weight and burden she was carrying. She felt guilty because she couldn't do anything to save her loved ones, and she had to watch everything around her fall apart without anyone by her side.
