But God, it hurt.
"Why have you been so insistent on being around me lately?" he asked, finally acknowledging my presence. "What's your deal? Did you break something of mine and you're trying to butter me up before I notice?"
"I just want to spend more time with you. Be your friend, not just your annoying big sister."
He stared at me for a long moment, and I could see him trying to figure out if this was some trick. "Look, Lily, if you really want to have someone in your life, it shouldn't be on your terms alone. You can't just decide we're suddenly best friends and expect me to go along with it. You're invading my personal space without offering anything in return. Why would I want to be your friend?"
Ouch. That hurt me. But he was right.
The Leo from my future was my best friend because I was his connection to the real world. I was the only thing he had left in his miserable life of confinement. And part of me needed to be the best friend and sister he ever had because I felt guilty he was there.
Some friendships are formed through the bonding of trauma. We're so desperate to feel part of something, we cling to whatever helps us feel better, even if that other person has nothing in common with us.
Right now, none of us had anything that made us feel we needed to be closer, so there was no reason for us to be friends.
"What would you want me to do instead?" I asked.
"I don't know. Maybe if you were interested in the same things as me, I'd like you." He paused his game and turned to face me properly. "For some reason, I feel like you're just here to take away my TV and force me to watch one of your horrible vampire series, and I'm not up for that."
He was calling me out, and he was completely right. Our relationship has always been very focused on what I want, rather than his interests. We used to get along badly for that reason when we were teenagers, but we started getting along well because hearing me was the only thing he had left in prison. "You're right," I admitted. "I'm sorry. I've been selfish."
He seemed surprised by my honesty. "Okay, so what's really going on? Because this sudden interest in bonding is weird, even for you."
I wanted to tell him everything. About the future, about prison, about how much I'd missed having him in my life as more than just someone I visited behind glass partitions. But I couldn't. "I just realized I don't know you as well as I thought I did," I said. "And I want to change that before it's too late."
"Too late for what? I'm not dying or anything."
"No, but we're both getting older. You'll go to college eventually, and I'll be starting my career, and we'll drift apart as most siblings do. I just thought maybe we could actually be close before that happens."
Leo studied me for a moment, and I could see him weighing whether to let me in or keep his walls up. Finally, he sighed. "Fine. But you have to actually try, not just sit there expecting me to do all the work."
"Deal."
"So what do you want to know?" he asked, though his tone suggested he didn't really believe I cared about his life.
"Everything. What games are you into right now? What's going on with you and Brandy? What's your favorite movie? What colleges are you thinking about going to?"
Leo blinked, clearly not expecting actual questions, but instead of answering them, he reached for a second controller of his video game and held it out to me. "You want to be my friend? Let's start here. Beat me, and maybe I'll answer some of your questions eventually."
I took the controller and sat next to him on the couch. "You're on."
We played for the next two hours, and I lost every single match. But somewhere between his trash-talking and my terrible aim, something shifted. He started giving me tips instead of just mocking my mistakes. He laughed when I accidentally threw a grenade at my own feet. He high-fived me when I finally got my first kill.
And slowly, I started to see glimpses of the brother I'd lost.
CHAPTER 17
Kyle
Kyle: How are you doing with Leo?
Lily: Good.
Kyle: Don't you want to know how I'm doing with Jeremy?
Lily: No need.
This year, my parents'marriage was falling apart in real time, and there was nothing subtle about it. I'd forgotten how bad it had been during this period (or maybe I'd blocked it out from my mind intentionally).
