Luca
The Hardest Goodbye
I was five years old the last time I saw her. Her face and name had eluded me years ago, but the smell of the strawberry shampoo lingered. Certain things about that day refuse to fade. It took a long time to understand the apologies and the heavy sadness radiating from her that day.
"I'm sorry we're out of milk."She’d handed me a bowl of dry cereal. It seemed to bother her, but I didn't care. It was odd how she moved around the room, glancing at me, then looking away. Something was wrong, but five-year-old me had no idea what was about to happen.
When I was finished, she set it on the counter, then picked up her purse and my backpack. Holding it out for me, I wiggled into it, wondering why it was so heavy.“Don’t forget puppy."The brown and white stuffed animal had been my birthday present, and I took him everywhere. Before we left the apartment, she took a picture of me with her phone.
She gripped my hand as we walked down the stairs and out onto the crowded street. Car horns and the sounds of the city distracted me as I looked up at all the tall buildings reaching into the sky. I wanted to go up to the top.“Where are we going, Mommy?”I asked, almost running to keep up with her.
“We have an appointment, baby. When we go in, I need you to be a good boy, okay, Luca?”
I nodded as we kept walking. Sometimes we took the bus, but that day we walked until she stopped outside an enormous stone building. Before we entered, she took out her phone and looked at it. Her eyes were red as she squatted down in front of me, trying to smile as a tear slipped down her face. She covered her mouth with her hand as I reached out to touch her.“What’s wrong, Mommy? Why are you sad?”
The sound of strangled tears still lives in my memory. She carded her fingers through my hair just like when I woke from a bad dream, then hugged me.“I’m okay, baby. You’re just growing so fast.”Wasn’t I supposed to?With a kiss to my cheek, she cleared her throat and tried to smile.“One more picture of my big boy,”she whispered,“just in case.”
I smiled, hoping that it would soothe her.“Don’t cry, Mommy. I won’t grow too much.”
Her tears started again as she cradled my face.“I love you forever, Luca. I hope you can forgive me one day.”
I didn’t know what that meant. I didn’t know what forgiveness she was asking for. I was five, for God’s sake.
When she stood, she dried her eyes and took me into the building. We rode in the elevator, and when the doors opened, a woman was waiting. She had pretty hair and a friendly face. But she looked sad too.“Hello, Luca,”she said to me, before looking at my mother. The feeling that something wasn’t right returned.“My name is Marilyn,”she said, squatting down in front of me.“Would you like to go play with the toys while I talk with your mommy? There might even be cartoons on the TV.”
“Yes, ma’am.”I took the lady’s hand and went to the playroom. I sat down on the floor and pulled out the blocks.
They leaned in the doorway as I went to build a tower, but her strangled cry caused me to look up again. My mother got onher knees to pull me up into her arms. The smell of strawberries filled my nose, and I will never forget what she said.“I love you, Luca. Please forgive me.”
I squeezed her back.“I love you, Mommy.”
When she stood, the woman ushered her into the hallway. But I could still hear them.“Are you sure you want to do this? We can help.”
“I don’t have a choice.”
I sat with my puppy in my lap and watched television. When Marilyn came back, she was alone.“Where’s my mommy?”
She sat in the chair and held my hands.“She had to go, sweetheart. You’re going tostaywith me.”
My chin trembled before I started to cry.“When is she coming back?”
The lady ran her hand over my hair.“I don’t know. Hopefully, soon. But I'm going to take care of you. Let’s get something to eat.”She took me by the hand, and I followed her into her office. I stayed in the chair, squeezing my dog to my chest, wondering what I’d done to make her leave me here.
I waited, saying nothing, being a good boy as she said, as people came and went.
I watched the elevator, waiting for her to return. Every time they opened, I hoped she would be in the crowd. Hours passed as I sat holding a peanut butter sandwich. All I wanted was for my mother to come back.
Later that day, Marilyn took me to the first of many foster homes, where I cried myself to sleep, clutching my dog. Good homes, and a few bad. I never understood what I’d done to cause her to give custody to Social Services that day. But it would change how I walked through life. I would protect myself at all costs and trust no one with my heart. I was living proof that trusting someone meant they left you.
Until I met the person who saved my life by refusing to walk away.
Chapter 1
Luca Vaughn
I rested my head on the steering wheel as sweat from the stifling heat rolled down my back. I tried to find a sliver of positivity in my current predicament. As a kid who bounced from one foster home to another, my social worker said it was easier to get through the bad times if I could find a bright side to every daunting situation. And for a kid who never knew where he was going to sleep, sometimes it was difficult to find.
But today, the bright side was that I’d successfully placed a veteran suffering from Alzheimer’s in the best facility in the city. The downside was that I was probably going to be fired from my night job. I was a 28-year-old working two jobs to survive in Brooklyn while pursuing my master’s degree in social work. The July heat wasn’t helping, and with every failed crank, my stomach bile went to work on me. It wasn’t my main job, but losing it meant I couldn’t make ends meet, and my roommate, John, couldn’t handle the entire rent. Thursday was the best night for tips.
