Thomas leaned against my car, so close that I could feel his body heat. The breeze off the water caught his scent, and I greedily inhaled his unique smell. How was it possible to ache for someone you’d never had? “I was surprised when you jumped in to defend me. That’s usually my role.”
I turned to look him in the eye. “I would do anything for you. That’s what friends are supposed to do.”
“I feel that.”
Our gazes locked as a smile formed. My eyes trailed down his face to the lips I longed to feel on mine. My stomach fluttered again at the thought of kissing him. But I’d never shared my sexuality, and that wasn’t something to conceal from someone you cared about. But how did you say, ‘hey, best friend, I think I’m falling for you’ without destroying what we had?But how would we have a chance to move forward if I didn’t tell him how I felt?
Sighing, I broke his stare and lifted my face to the sky. “Do you think Hudson ever thought he’d fall in love with a man? I mean, they’re so happy together.I thought Evan smiled all the time before him, but I was wrong.”
His deep chuckle settled me as he shifted against the car. He was closer than before, and my breathing picked up.The whoosh of the blood in my ears made it almost difficult to hear him.“I don’t know if he ever considered it, but when he knew he loved Evan, he didn’t give it a second thought. It was what it was. Love is love and all. But the last two years of his term were incredibly difficult. You wouldn’t have known it to look at him, but there were times I wasn’t sure his brave face was going to hold. But that night when he met Evan, things changed. He was happier, smiled more, and the kids loved him. You know what I’m talking about. You were there.”
I nodded. “I was.”
When I stopped talking, he nudged me with his elbow. “Does it bother you that they think we’re together?”
I chuckled at the irony. That’s all I really wanted. And I’d never been good at lying. “No, not at all.Can I tell you something that no one on this planet knows? Not even my sisters.”
Thomas turned to the side to face me. His face was serious, even though the angle of the moonlight threw his face into shadow. “Of course. You can tell me anything, Mason,” he murmured.
I knew in my heart thathe was sincere, but this kind of declaration might not be welcomed.He had Hudson in his life, somaybe it would be okay. Turning to face him, I looked into his silvery grey eyes. “I’m bisexual,“ I whispered. “I’ve never acted on it, never wanted to.”Until now.“But as my teammates find their happiness, it makes me wonder whether I’ve missed my person somewhere because I haven’t truly lived an authentic life. It really hit me hard when Lennox almost lost Dane, and a few months later, when all that happened with Colin.” I took a deep breath. “Anyway. I thought you should know.”
I waited for the judgment and for his expression to change, but he remained unreadable as usual. “I’m honored you shared that with me. I’m sure it was incredibly difficult.”
Frozen in that moment, I curled my lips in as I looked at him, silently begging him to give me some sign that he might share my feelings.But his smile never faltered, his eyes never changed, and any dreams I had of being more than friends flickered out.It was friends or nothing, and I refused to lose him.
Nodding, I straightened,trying to hide my feelings from the moonlight. Looking back at the sky, I pinched the bridge of my nose to wipe away the moisture. And when I was ready, I tucked my heart back into the spot I reserved for him.“I think I’m going to call it a night.”
Thomas hesitated a moment, then cleared his throat.“Yeah, me too,” he said, straightening to his full height. “When do you want to start? I can look into the adoption theory.”
I curled my lips in again and nodded. “Yeah. That’s good. Just let me know what you find.” I held out my hand to shake, buthe frowned ashis eyes dropped to my hand before movingback up to me. I couldn’t see the expression on his face. I just needed to leave.
Without warning, he pulled me forward and wrapped me in his arms. I refused to melt into him. If Iallowedmyselftohave thatpart of him, I might not be able to turn it back. “I’m fucking proud of you,” he whispered. “This is going to be okay, and I’ve got your back, no matter what.”
I clapped him on the back. “Thank you.”
Thomas released me, then stepped back. “I’m going home to get started. Come over in the morning, and I’ll make you breakfast.”
I pasted on a smile. “Sounds good.”
Walking around my car, I unlocked the doors and got in. Thomas waved before making his way to his car. Leaning forward, I banged my head on the steering wheel, hoping he hadn’t picked up on my dilemma. It would ruin everything. And I couldn’t afford to lose Thomas. Starting my car, I pulled away, determined to keep my eyes forward.
When I got home, I changed into my favorite sweats and a hoodie. Pulling it up over my head, I went outside to the deck and climbed onto the lounger.
After opening up about Axel, I was excited about the prospect of finding him. Imagining what our childhood could have been made me ravenous for any scrap or detail I could find about him. So I logged into my rarely used IG account and found him. I knew just enough about social media to get me in trouble. Hitting the follow button would mean he could see me, and I wasn’t ready for that.
When his official page filled my screen, I flipped through post after post, scanning each one for aglimpseof his life outside the rink.Conflicting feelings of abandonment and neverbeing good enough rose to the surface along with the contentment I felt simply knowing he existed. I studied his photos, wantingto find answers to all my questions about his life, hoping they would explain mine. A hint about why we never knew each other, why I was chosen for this life over him, or him over me. But only the professional athlete looked back with a vacant stare. Not the man I knew in the deepest parts of my soul had to be my brother. Did he enjoy his life? Did he feel like he belonged in his world?
I doom scrolled through his posts a little longer, hoping for something to share with Thomas, but his life was as sterile and devoid of color as mine. But there was one thing that stood out. Like me, Axel didn’tseemtosmile much. He wore a mask of who the public wanted to see. “Do you feel as out of place as I do?”
When there was nothing more to see, I logged out and turned off my phone. Staring up at the clear night sky, I was happy with the decision I’d made to find Axel. Telling Thomas I was bi was still up for debate. At the rate I was going, I would spend the rest of my life alone if I allowed my fears to control me. It was time to take a chance.
It was late when I finally went inside and went to bed. I tossed and turned most of the night, unable to sleep. Axel’s photos played like a movie in my head, sometimes adding my own to the reel. At the first light of dawn, I gave up andstarted my day.
The tide was out, and my stretch of beach provided an area to run.Thomas usually did this with me, either here or at Coronado. But I was still feeling raw from my confession.When I hit the sand, I ran as long as the shore would allow before turning back. After showering, I killed time checking my email and tidying up until it was time to go. After the night I’d had, I was surprised at the good mood I was in. But I needed coffee. Not wanting to show up without one for him, I shot him a quick text.
Me: Good Morning. I’m stopping for coffee. Can I bring you some?
Thomas: Morning. Yes. Thanks.
