I sat down on the bed and put my head in my hands. “I have to play.”
What the fuck was I gonna do?
“Not here, you don’t. But you’ve got options, Colin. Consider getting out of the country for a while. Perhaps South America. I’ve got connections over there. Maybe I can find you a spot and negotiate a contract. You’ll have to figure out a way to pay my fee.”
My eyes widened as panic flooded me. “Why the hell would I go there? I can’t speak Spanish.”
He pierced me with his gaze. “Then fucking learn it if you know what’s good for you. No one here or in Europe wants you. It might be the only place you stand a chance to start over.”
Standing, I walked over to him. “Can’t you find me something else to do here?”
I don’t know what I expected. “Nah. Not worth the hassle. You fucked yourself here, mate, and everyone knows it. I’ll make some calls and see what I can dig up over there. Maybe if we get lucky, no one will have heard of you.”
He brought his hand to my face and patted it roughly. “You’ll love South America. It’s cheaper to live there. You can make it with less for a while if you want to play. I’ll call you when I know something.”
When he turned to leave, I reached out for his arm. Leland stopped and glared over his shoulder.
I sank to a new level with my question. “You truly don’t care if I go over there?”
He shrugged, unconcerned about my leaving.
“But what about…” I motioned between us. “This? It’s been six years.”
He ran his fingers over his mouth as he contemplated what I had asked. “There is no us, other than business. Our relationship is symbiotic, like the birds and crocs. You need tobefucked, and I needtofuck. No more than that. You’re not the only hole around.”
I stood, speechless, as he walked down the hallway toward the front door. Leland stopped and turned back. “I’ll pay the fine out of your account.”
My life as I knew it was over, and I didn’t give a fuck about the money. All I wanted to do was play.
I waited for the door to close before dropping my towel to the floor to crawl into bed.
My ass hurt, but this is what my life had become. No one gave a shit anymore, not even me. I was nothing without my career. And I had no one without this semblance of a relationship with him. The only one I didn’t have to wear a mask for was Allister, my cat. He loved me, no matter how badly I destroyed my life.
Curled up with him, I focused on his purr and tried to sleep.
Chapter 2
Colin
Every day bled into the next. Even though I kept up my training, hoping something might change, nothing did. No one wanted a player like me, no matter how high I ranked as a full-back. A month out from my suspension, the highlight of my day had become sliding onto a bar stool and nursing the solitary beer I allowed myself to have with my best mate, Owen.
As I sat at the bar overthinking my life, it occurred to me how much I detested June now. Not because it was winter. The cold didn’t bother me anymore. Nothing did. I was numb to the world around me without rugby. I didn’t know who I was or how to exist without it. And June was a painful reminder that it was mid-season, and I was done. Another bloke wore my #15, and it made me physically ill to think about it.
No matter how many times I replayed it in my head, I couldn’t figure out why they’d singled me out. I wasn’t a mean-spirited person, per se, and was nowhere close to being the first player to be fined multiple times in a season. I just did what the coach asked and brought the violence. That’s what won the game, he’d said.
A handful of my teammates, Brandon, Zeke, and Warren, had reached out in the first week to commiserate with me, but itdidn’t take long for them to become absorbed by their own lives. I couldn’t blame them for wanting to distance themselves from the drama. It just made sense. I’d vanished on the club pages and IG posts, making me irrelevant in the one good thing in my life. Reporters didn’t ask about my absence anymore, and seeing my career end at twenty-five had been devastating.
And to add insult to injury, Leland had stopped coming around. It was as if he were shunning me, too. When my paychecks ended, so did his appearances. He only sent the occasional text message regarding something he’d paid on my behalf or some investment he made. I didn’t keep up with all that shit. That’s what he was for. He’d assured me I didn’t need a bunch of blokes in my business. He hadn’t when he was playing, and it would only cost me more in the end.
That was something else I needed to look into, but it was the least of my concerns.
Our favorite pub, The Cranky Kangaroo, was vacant this time of day, except for a few old guys watching highlights of the Swarm’s last match on the screen behind the bar. I tried not to watch and avoided being in here when I knew they were playing. I stayed home for those and cursed at the screen in private.
A few years older than me, Owen had been a right-winger the year I joined the club. He took me under his wing and became the only one I could count on to be there if I needed someone. When he tore his ACL to bits, his career was over, and I’d missed him like crazy. I tried not to intrude on his life, and if I did, I attempted not to monopolize his time.
He was talking, and I had no idea what he said. But it was time to put on another mask, so he didn’t worry about me. He was like the big brother I had never had, especially when he elbowed me in the ribs to get my attention.
“Ow, you beast,” I muttered, feigning discomfort.
