Did he think I was going to run off with my tail between my legs and say goodbye to him forever?
Not going to happen.
“My brother was never satisfied,” Brenda went on. “It wasn’t enough to make me sleep with him whenever my parents went away for work; he started taking me with him to these parties and nights out organized by his friends. He’d make me lie down on a sofa or a table, and then he’d let them touch me, abuse me, and do whatever they wanted to me. I wasn’t even a person to them; I was like a carton of ice cream they could just dip into however they liked.” She finished speaking with obvious difficulty and then dissolved into sobs. I could feel the hurt those men had done to her; I felt like it was covering me, smothering my skin like a thick layer of slime. Her every word had stung like a slap.
I came back to the present moment when Brenda got abruptly to her feet and ran out of the room, leaving only her suffering in her wake.
Neil suffered the same way. I was sure of it.
He felt lost, his head clouded with negative thoughts, unable to let himself feel human emotions, so he froze them instead, too afraid he might feel even more pain.
With his heart frozen like that, he reacted to the world in a highly individualized way that was different from other people. His responses to everything that happened around him had been conditioned by the trauma that had been visited upon him. It was a monster who had kept him prisoner for way too long.
“We all know how difficult it is to confront these topics. Revisiting the past, reopening those old wounds is a journey of introspection that you have to…” Dr. Lively started talking again, but I was still too unsettled to follow what he was saying. Neil had brought me here to upset me, and I had to admit that he was succeeding.
I gave him a sideways glance and caught him staring intently at me like he could sense all the tumult inside me. He didn’t look surprised.
Too many times, I’d asked him to give me something of him in exchangefor part of me, but I could not have imagined that he might give me a piece of himself in such a cruel way. He wanted to rub my face in the truth without adornment—totally transparent, clear, and rough, but above all else, honest.
It was just more confirmation of how foolish I had been at the beginning of our relationship when I imagined that I could save him. I believed that he was just overly passionate and impulsive, that he had some issues in relationships. Nothing—in short—that couldn’t be fixed. Instead, I was now realizing that Neil was not a man who could be managed, and it was very likely there was no cure for what ailed him. Certainly love wasn’t it.
It may have been one of the necessary components, but it wasn’t enough by itself for him to learn how to accept himself.
“I will vanquish all your fears,” I whispered into his ear, leaning into him.
I shivered as I smelled him, fresh and powerful. Neil narrowed his eyes, hiding the dominating stare that he so often used to bend me to his will. He was telling me in that moment that it really was war between us and that he was going to do everything he could to obliterate me.
Nothing was going to shake his conviction that I wasn’t brave enough to stand beside him.
But I wasn’t just going to let him win either.
I gave him a defiant smile and settled into my seat, turning my attention to Dr. Lively, who was now asking the guy with the tattoos to say the first word he thought of.
“Drew?” He prompted him as the young man paused for a moment to think, irritatingly chomping on his gum. Then he turned in his chair to look directly at Neil.
“The one word that’s always in my head, Doctor, isnet,” he answered decisively, as though an entire world were concealed within those three letters. I felt Neil’s leg tense under my hand, the fabric of his jeans stretching against his muscles.
“You know my story already, Dr. Lively. The woman in question was a lot older than me, around twenty… I was just eleven. She was our babysitter. My parents were working long hours so they decided to leave my sister and me with this girl. I noticed there was something off about her right away. She’dtouch me and try to coax me into doing things I didn’t want to do, all leading up to the first rape. It went on for months before culminating in her final sick act: She set up a camera and filmed what we were doing together. The video ended up on a website owned and operated by my rapist, Kimberly Bennett, and her boss. It was sold to other internet pedophiles…” An insincere smile spread across his face, and he never once looked away from Neil.
“I’m one of the seven kids from the dark web scandal… I should be grateful to Neil Miller for calling the police and getting that monster Kim arrested, but I just can’t do it.” All at once, Drew jumped to his feet with so much force that the chair clattered to the ground behind him.
I was frozen at the revelation I’d just heard.
The scandal… The newspapers… The secret room… The dark web…
My head was spinning, and I automatically pressed a hand to my chest, trying to soothe the ache I felt there. It was like someone had kicked me.
“I can’t be grateful because you’re the reason everyone found out about what happened to me. I was bullied for years in school…all because one snot-nosed little brat couldn’t keep his mouth shut!” Drew advanced on us like an enraged animal, sending the rest of the room into a panic. Neil stood up and stepped in front of me, shielding me.
Frightened, I hid behind his back and put my hands around his waist, holding him tightly. I could feel my heart pounding in my ears as I began to shake with fear. I hated violence; I hated witnessing it because then it would replay in my mind on an endless loop of awful memories. So I closed my eyes, trying to shut it out.
“Call security!” John shouted, probably holding Drew back from starting an actual altercation. Neil was still with me, standing protectively as I clung to his back.
I wasn’t usually so easily frightened, but ever since the accident, I panicked at the first hint of danger.
“Stop shivering, Babygirl…”
My eyes were squeezed shut, and my fingers were digging into Neil’s jacket. When I finally opened my eyes again, I saw that Neil had turned around to reassure me. His intense baritone cut straight to my heart, quieting me and making me feel like I was safe with him.
