Our deal…damn it!
Could I really have been so thoughtless?
Overcome, I rolled over on my side and pulled the blankets around me. The room was enormous, dark, and solitary. Not a single sound disrupted the silence, except for the rustling of the sheets whenever I moved. I was chilly under the vast comforter because I had forgotten to bring my pajamas from Detroit, so I was still in just my underwear. I sighed, staring out into the void before me. A small alarm clock on the bedside table read 1:20 a.m. in blinking blue lights.
Neil hadn’t come to my room after our conversation. He knew that my door wasn’t locked, so he could have come in at any time if he’d wanted. But he hadn’t done that.
Did that make me feel happy? Relieved? Sad?
I wasn’t sure. The only thing I knew for sure was that my head was too stuffed with negative thoughts to close my eyes.
What if he stopped wanting me? What if he sought out other people because he didn’t think I was at his level?
“Will you shut up and let me sleep?” I murmured to my brain, rubbing my forehead. If I kept going like this, I was going to get a severe headache.
Before I went to bed, I called my mother to reassure her and make my big lie as believable as possible, telling her that I was having fun with Bailey.
But what was I even doing in New York?
I still didn’t see why Neil had asked me to meet him, which only made me worry more. He told me that I didn’t know enough about him, but what did he mean by that?
Enough! For God’s sake!
I huffed and forced myself to shut my eyes.
I would think more tomorrow about how to talk with him—it wasn’t a simple thing to do. I couldn’t always figure out his strange reasoning, like the thing with the wavy line and the straight one. I made a skeptical face, having no idea whether I’d understood his reasoning correctly. He had likened the wavy line to all that was unstable, everything that regular people might think of as questionable: treating women like objects, sex without feelings, a hatred of love, a refusal to enter into relationships, and an unconventional approach to sex. Meanwhile, the straight line represented morality,restraint, modesty, love in the universal sense…basically everything that he couldn’t tolerate and didn’t fit into his life.
Yes…maybe that was the point of his speech, and it was just his way of telling me.
“You’re so strange,” I whispered, aware that he couldn’t hear me. “But I’ll never stop thinking you are special, Neil.” I smiled as I felt my cheeks heat up. I really was falling for—or worse, was actually in love with—this mess of a man. With another insane mood shift, this time more positive, I closed my eyes and fell asleep.
I became restless several times in the night.
I would open my eyelids just a crack, just enough to see the silvery moonlight filtering into the dark of the room, and then go back to sleep. I didn’t feel entirely at ease, maybe because I was by myself.
Far away from home in a giant penthouse apartment, in this impersonal room with an odd man, who could say where he’d ended up?
Suddenly, I felt something depress the mattress behind me and the blankets shifted.
I was too deep in an intense stupor to pay closer attention to my surroundings.
It wasn’t cold anymore, and I had a nice feeling in my chest, like when I was a little girl and felt completely safe and protected.
There was something heavy lying across my side; it felt just like a strong, powerful arm, but I didn’t investigate, just squirmed closer to the new heat source at my back.
It was probably a dream, but I liked the idea of Neil being there with me; it made me feel good. In dreams, anything could happen, and it always felt real while you were dreaming.
There, if nowhere else, I could pretend that I was his.
And there, Peter Pan could pick Tinkerbell.
Content, I drifted back into unconsciousness for an unknown amount of time until the body behind me shifted, startling me. My eyelids opened a sliver; my back was much warmer, as were my hands.
“Neil…” I said in a sleepy rumble. Immediately, my mind went to him, but I got no verbal response. I did, however, feel something hard poking intomy back. Something stiff and enormous. “Neil,” I said again, uncertain. I was still trying to figure out if I was awake or asleep, much less determine details about anything else.
“Tinkerbell,” he answered, his voice intense, low, and rasping. I blinked in surprise and smiled as he gently pulled me closer to him. “You need to wake up,” he whispered. He stroked my ribs and then moved slowly down my thigh. Once again, I lay motionless, welcoming his soft caress.
It was so nice…
