With Selene, I was starting to open up too much, and that was unsettling for me.
“I’m not ‘a woman.’ I’m Selene Anderson,” she answered with a hint of humor that made me smile. She wanted to hear me say that she was important, that she was the only one for me, but that was never going to happen. Yes, I’d had experienced things with her that I’d probably never have with anyone else, but that didn’t mean anything to me.
“And you are my Disaster,” she added in an indulgent tone, and something rumbled in my chest.
Shit—what was this new feeling I was having?
For a second, I actually liked what she’d told me, then my rational mind took over and swept away any positive feelings I might have had.
“Seriously…yours?” I grimaced in irritation. I considered possessiveness an even worse sign than jealousy. It was a symptom of a deeper emotional entanglement, and that bothered me. I didn’t belong to her—I didn’t belong to anyone—and Selene had to understand that.
“I told you I wanted to be exclusive. You said you’d think about it,” Selene reminded me confidently. Fuck, I’d completely forgotten that conversation. It had just been a tossed-off answer. I vividly recalled the moment: We were lying in bed together, and I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep, and I needed her to stop asking me pointless questions, so I told her the first thing that popped into my head. In reality, I thought it would be too difficult to actually quit fucking the blonds because they were as much acompulsion for me as the showers were. I could have a serious meltdown if I wasn’t allowed to vent in the ways I’d learned.
“Do you know why this drama of ours is deathless?” I asked her, all in a rush, skipping over everything she’d just said. Selene didn’t say anything for so long that I had to check the phone’s display to make sure she hadn’t hung up on me.
“No, why?” she asked finally; her voice at least sounded curious.
“Because it’s me and the Boy. If I choose you, I’m abandoning him. There’s never going to be a way out.” It was my circuitous way of telling her that I didn’t think I could do without my other lovers because so much more than sex was at stake. “But…you could become a part of my madness, and we could be deathless together. What do you think?” I taunted her. I was expecting a sarcastic comeback, but Selene’s long silence instead made me furrow my brow. I imagined her, deeply reflective, her crystalline eyes pointed into the middle distance, her plush mouth pursed into a skeptical expression.
I would have kissed it—bitten it—if she were standing there in front of me.
“I think I entered into your madness a long time ago, and if that can make what we are together deathless, then I’m in,” she said eventually with all the determination that made her a woman. A real woman.
Babygirl was gentle and understanding, loving, and patient, but she was also stubborn and brave. She knew how messed up I was, and yet she still tried to banish her fears so she could stay by my side.
Feeling thoughtful, I walked out onto my room’s balcony and leaned my elbows against the railing, staring out over the backyard.
The freezing air stung my skin, but I didn’t care. I needed the cold to keep my head clear.
“After how I fucked you that last time, you should want nothing to do with me,” I told her harshly.
That’s what I would have done in her position. I would have gotten as far away from me as possible and tried to forget about the whole insane scenario.
“But I…” She cleared her throat. “…liked it.”
I could hear how embarrassed she was.
Despite the fact that I’d probably spent more time with her naked than dressed, Babygirl still retained her sense of modesty and shyness.
“I believe it; you came more than once,” I said just to needle her a little bit more and was rewarded with her response.
“Neil!” she shrieked, and I broke into laughter. I’d never stop finding her adorable. She was so honest, so genuine, and, at times, so funny that she made all my worries disappear. At least for a moment.
“I still remember your first time, you know,” I told her abruptly, sinking into the memory. “You telling me to be gentle, and me not knowing how to do that. I just kept thinking,You and I shouldn’t have a fucking thing to do with each other.” Those words were supposed to remain inside my head—be just for me—but, to my surprise, I had blurted them out without a second thought. I scrubbed a hand over my face, realizing that this whole situation had gotten out of hand and was edging into disaster territory. I was faced with just two options: I could let Selene go, or I could be a selfish bastard and continue taking pleasure in her.
I knew that the first choice was the right choice, but I kept leaning toward the second, much worse option.
“Fate is unpredictable,” Babygirl answered, drawing me back to our conversation.
“And cruel, sometimes,” I added, knowing that she deserved more than me and that I was never going to change. I couldn’t predict the future, but I strongly suspected that if we let this madness go on between us, neither of us was going to end up happy. Especially not her.
With that realization, my mood shifted, and I stood up straight before walking back into my room.
“I have to go now,” I concluded coldly, making it clear to her that I didn’t want to talk anymore.
“Okay. I hope…” She sighed. “I hope I hear from you or see you soon,” she said, almost sounding afraid of how I might react. I also longed not just to see her but to kiss her, to touch her, and to take her to bed again. I yearned to breathe in her coconut scent, to stroke her soft skin, to feel her legs wrapped around me, and to lose myself in her heat, in the only place where I felt truly good.
My Neverland.
