No one would banish the voices that slithered around inside me.
What if I really did need her after all?
What if I needed her coconut-smelling hair?
What if I needed her soft skin, which was like lying on powdery sand? What about her lips that had become my safe place?
What if I needed the freedom I felt when I looked into her eyes?
What if I needed the hope I experienced when I smelled her perfume?
Then I would have to fight for her as well because she was the only woman that I wanted.
She was the only one I couldn’t stand to lose…
8
“Apparently, the idea of focusing on just one woman is too scary for you.”
Selene
Meet me in New York.
I’ll be waiting.
That was what it said on the note Neil left me.
We hadn’t spoken since then, though I suspected he was expecting me to respond or maybe even to show up outside of Matt’s place with a big fake smile on my face.
How was I supposed to set foot in New York after what had happened there?
After the blow-up with my father, I had no intention of ever going back.
“You are aware he punched my brother in the face, right?” Janel had been saying the same thing over and over for the past half hour by then. She was pacing back and forth in my living room with one hand running through her hair while Bailey crunched her way through a bag of Cheetos, lost in thought.
“Ivan did provoke him. First, he implied that he was a druggie, and then he called him a psycho.” I would have defended Neil, of course, even if hewas completely in the wrong, but in this case, his reaction had been at least partially justified. He didn’t tolerate any insults or slights, and Ivan really had crossed the line.
“Are you defending him? For real?” Janel shook her head, disappointed in my attitude.
What else was I supposed to do? Agree with her and insult the guy that I loved?
I wasn’t condoning Neil’s violent actions—I would never approve of that behavior—but I probably wasn’t the right person to condemn him either. When it came to him, I was incapable of being impartial or rational. I simply felt compelled to take his side.
“Janel, guys get into fights all the time; don’t make a federal case out of it,” Bailey cut in, still continuing to munch.
“Have you lost your mind too?” Janel snapped.
Bailey just laughed and shot back, “I just think the two of us can’t really talk about this. I get that Ivan is your brother, but we don’t know how things really went down. We can’t blindly defend either one of them because Selene is the only one of us who was actually there.”
Sure, I was well aware of how things went down. I also felt guilty about it.
Neil had gone for Ivan right after the latter grabbed my wrist while I was trying to talk him into leaving. I couldn’t say for sure what had triggered such a fury in my Disaster, but I strongly suspected that it was Ivan being there, and even more so, him having his hands on me.
That thought alone sent a shot of warmth through my chest.
Was he jealous over me?
He’d never admit it to me, but even the possibility was flattering.
