So I just sighed. “Okay. Be with me. That’s it, nothing more.” I gave in without really knowing myself what it would mean. I was uncertain because I’d never confined myself to a relationship before. From what I could surmise, that’s what our arrangement would be even if it was different from other relationships in many respects.
She had to at least understand that I couldn’t be exclusive with her, right? Or was my fidelity also part of the package?
I chose not to ask her.
“Now get off my back and cut the cutesy shit. You’re getting on my nerves.” I nudged her gently aside to reclaim my space. Selene invaded it sometimes, stealing my breath and seeming to take up the room of a formidable giant rather than the Tinkerbell that she was…
“Thank you,” she said, smiling like the happiest woman in the world. She gave a little bounce before frowning.
Did fairies bounce too?
“Can I touch you?” she asked immediately, like I hadn’t just told her to get away from me.
“No,” I answered brusquely.
“A kiss?” she pressed.
“I said no.” I shook my head as I took a step back.
Air. I needed to get some air.
Too much had happened in the last few hours, and I needed to be alone with my thoughts for a while.
“A hug?” she asked again, and I patted my jeans pockets searching for my cigarettes. How long had it been since I’d had a smoke? This girl made me lose all track of time.
“No, Selene! For fuck’s sake, no!” I shouted at her in exasperation.
I had no urge to hug her, but the urge to fuck her again…that was strong.
It was always strong, nearly uncontrollable.
I needed to get my shit together and get my carnal instincts in check, not pop an inopportune hard-on. First things first: I was going to go to that guest room and take another shower, and then I was going to have a cigarette and get into bed, where I could gather my thoughts. My mood had shifted too rapidly in too short a time; my actions flirted with madness, and worst of all, I’d actually told her about Kim.
Shit.
I absolutely had to regain control of myself, my life, and all that chaos that inevitably gravitated to me.
I didn’t want to take out my frustration on her and treat her like a mere object again.
I’d railed her up against that wall because I was out of my mind with anger, and now that I could think clearly again, I regretted letting my impulses control me.
“I’m going to the room. Try to stay away from me at least until morning. I need to be alone,” I told her with conviction. I had flown in from New Yorkwith no warning just to be with her, and now I wanted nothing more than to get as far away from her as possible.
Selene just nodded, her cheeks rosy and her eyes bright. She fingered her long ponytail, looking anxious but elated at the same time. I had no idea what had put her in such a mood, and I didn’t investigate further.
Instead, I examined her sinuous form, covered too completely by clothing, and lingered on her fuzzy slippers, which could put a damper on any sexual fantasy. She noticed my downcast gaze and blushed harder. I, on the other hand, just peered down my nose at her with a grimace of distaste before walking off down the hallway, away from her and her decidedly horrible footwear…
* * *
I passed a sleepless night.
I took another shower and smoked almost an entire pack of Winstons.
I couldn’t get a wink of sleep with the knowledge that I’d given Babygirl such an important piece of me.
I had a strange feeling, like my privacy had been violated, even though I was the one who had told her what really happened.
I was a walking contradiction at that point: I was constantly telling Selene that we couldn’t be together, but on the other hand, I never rejected her attentions or her attempts to keep up with me, to move at my pace into the kind of darkness that would have scared off any other woman.
