That was my reality, and this sweet girl could not possibly accept it. She couldn’t walk through hell with me.
I wanted better for her.
“I don’t think so. And it’s not just about sex, though I do see how hard you’re trying to keep up with me in that,” I murmured. I had known for a while that Selene was working hard to act like a woman with me, despite the fact that she still had a lot of inner growth and life experience to catch up on before she got there. She was searching for justifications for my addiction to sex, trying to convince herself that it was all normal when it was anything but. It wasn’t normal that I needed to vent my misery on a woman’s body or risk falling into the void. It wasn’t normal how I got pleasure from reenacting my abuse, subjugating anyone who happened to succumb to the temptation I presented. It wasn’t normal for the Boy to control so much of my current life.
None of it was normal.
“So try me, then,” Tinkerbell went on, and my right hand trembled as I raised it to adjust my hair. Selene tracked my movement with a heavy sigh before slowly inching closer to me. She took my hand in her own and shot a glance at me before pressing a kiss to the back of it. I remained motionless, stupefied by this display of profound sweetness. Babygirl smiled andpressed her head against me, this time leaning forward enough to sniff my throat. She deposited another gentle kiss there, and when I felt her warm, moist lips against my skin, I closed my eyes in sheer bliss over the contact between us. I hated being touched without my permission, but when it was her…she had long since taken liberties I’d never allow anyone else.
Touch me.
Touch me all the time.
Because when you touch me, you touch my soul,was what I wanted to say. But I remained silent.
“Get up, please,” I whispered into her ear. She got off my lap and tugged gently on my hand, urging me to stand up with her. I did as she asked, and the first thing I saw was my Babygirl, looking up at me with irrational admiration.
She should have looked at me like the monster that I was, not like some god.
She stroked my shoulders with her slender, elegant hands, trailing them gently down my arms. I looked at her in confusion, not understanding what she was after. When her lips came to rest on my chest, I stiffened as though it was a foreign sensation. I even briefly considered pushing her away, but then I recognized her gentle touch, and I relaxed.
There was nothing to be afraid of—this was Selene, not some random woman.
All at once, I felt sapped of all strength, afloat in a paradise of the senses like I had never felt before. Her lips, so delicate, traced the lines of my body. She slowly made her way to my chest, barely grazing a nipple, and then moving along further still to my abdomen.
And I did not feel at all dirty.
There was nothing nasty or perverse in her actions, and still I began to long for her head to sink below my waist, for her to pleasure me there with her unpracticed tongue.
It felt like an angel was touching me, intent on enfolding me in her feathery wings until the demon in me was mollified.
The sweet, feminine scent of Selene filled my nose, blocking out the smell of Kim or of any other woman.
Babygirl continued to drift even lower, hitting the waistband of my jeans before getting on her knees to continue touching my tensed legs. Her hands moved over the heavy fabric, seeming to transmit some divine energy to me.
I shut my eyes, my heart beginning to ache as I imagined all the things that I could never have.
I imagined a happy future. I imagined joining her in her ethereal light. I imagined the door to her world, so pure and uncontaminated, opening to allow me inside. I didn’t envision a castle nor anything else out of a fairy tale, just an unadorned path where Selene waited for me. She wore a dress as blue as her eyes, and she had one hand outstretched for me.
She was as radiant and beautiful as any fairy creature.
My fairy.
All I had to do was step forward, just take one step out of the enveloping darkness at my back, and I could reach her. I could clearly see the line dividing light from dark, and I could see where I was—standing firmly on that line. And then, all at once, the cry of a child from behind me forced me to glance back. Little Neil stood there, fearfully clutching his basketball as he shook his head in disappointment at me.
His Oklahoma City jersey was wrinkled, as were his shorts.
He didn’t want me to leave him behind because that would mean he’d suffer once more. He’d live through all the evils of the past.
All over again.
Alone, without anyone beside him.
On his narrow shoulder, there rested a woman’s hand. The fingers were long, the nails painted a fiery red that recalled the very flames of hell. I couldn’t see her face, but even in the shadows, I could make out her long blond hair and the white shirt that clung to her large breasts. The Boy tried to squirm out from under her hand, but whenever he struggled, the woman’s fingers only pressed in harder.
Possessive and violent.
He cried for me. When he called for help, it was my name that he screamed. I swallowed hard, horrified.
